HAPPY NEW YEAR

It has been a rough week so I did not get any posts done to review 2013 I may still do that in 2014.  May everyone have a VERY blessed New Year!!!

Christmas week already!!

I can't believe it is almost here already.  I don't know about anyone else but this Christmas season just hasn't seemed like Christmas.  No one really seems in the spirit this year:(  I drive around and not many decorations, not very many people wishing holiday greetings and saying Merry Christmas.  It just seems kind of sad this year.  I try and remember the real reason for the season and that his spirit is what should show especially this time of year.  So I have tried to keep my spirit and enjoy the Christmas season:)
   It does make you miss those you love that can't be with you for all reasons.  So I try and reflect a lot this time of year on what I have learned and what I want to change and work on in the next year.  May everyone have a VERY VERY blessed Christmas full of love, laughter and many memories.  May we all remember the true reason for the season!!! Christ our LORD!

Its that season of hustle and bustle and gleaming lights:)   I love the Christmas season and I love to show my Christmas spirit. So this is what we got done on the house this year:)  Our house is actually really fun for decorating but it does lack enough outdoor plug ins:)  But here are a few pics of the decorations this year.

Yes rudolph is taller than the house roof.  He is 12' tall:)

And Santas stable is 18' long:)  Love it!!! This one is new this year.

This is in remembrance of my old Dog Kohanna that went to heaven little over a year ago.  

December Already!!!

Can't believe it is December again already.  Another year has gone by sooooo crazy fast!!!  It has been another crazy year full of growth and learning.  It has been a rough one but I think I learned a lot and enjoyed all the good in between. We are trying to set some goals and figure out where we want this crazy life of ours to go.  We have done so much and been so many places:)  We shall see where next:)
   We both agree we are wanting to be done with the moving for the most part and we want to have a place of our own.  We also both agree we are not thinking Oregon will be that place.  I love my friends and family and it is hard being away from them but I think it is better to come and visit.  Even though our weather has been prity awesome lately I am not a big fan of all the rain, miss my cold and snow like crazy, and I just really miss a slower paced life.  Oregon is go, go, go. Hurry, hurry, hurry.  Everything is rushed and anxiety ridden.  I don't think I realized that when I grew up here but returning I just see so much impatience and rushing and such.  We both REALLY miss South Dakota and we both wish we had never left.  At the time if we could have come up with another work option and such we would have chose to stay in a heart beat.  We loved the sturgis/deadwood area and it felt like home.  Even the last time we went up to visit friends and move some stuff it just felt like home. Like where we belonged.  We just both like the simpler.
   I find here I feel so much more anxiety, I feel so much pressure, I have to soft a heart so I get hurt VERY easily by things and people.  I know I would miss some people sooooo very much but I think I would be a better person and friend if I just visit.
   So we are praying and seeing where the LORD will lead us and what doors shall open.  We will see what the rest of 2013 shall bring:)

Everyone needs one

http://www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org/ranch-life/2014-cpyr-calendar-order-form/

I do this every year!!! They are free but with a recommended donation of at least $7.00.  I do at least $20.00 just to donate to an amazing place!!! If you have never heard of or visited Crystal Peaks youth ranch you need to check out their website.  They do amazing work with kids and rescue horses.  They are a christian based ranch that came from nothing with the help of the LORD to affect millions.  Kim has written 4 books about the ranch and those that come there.  It really is an amazing ministry.  So I encourage everyone to order a calendar and donate to help this ministry help lots of kids, people and horses.  Great time of the year to give!

Motivational Monday

This is definitely motivation.  I am not condemning those who divorce.  I have been married before and divorced.  I tried with all my might to fix my marriage but it takes two and you should never put up with abuse.  And from a christian stand point never marry without GODs blessing as I did in that instance.  I just think in this society this is such a huge thing that runs rampened and not only in marriage but all relationships.  We just throw it away if it doesn't work for us.  I know sometimes there are circumstances where you have to let a relationship go but in general if we would just treat each other better, have more understanding, showed loyalty, and stood up for what was right and wrong we would be so much better off in personal relationships, buisness, etc.  We have just become such a me, me, me society.  So I think it would be great if we could follow this.  If something is broken at least try to fix it.  

Life up in the air

So Eric has been working up in Seattle for the last month.  They have been trying to get this huge account for years and finally got a chance at it and none of the guys in seattle wanted to do the work.  So for a substantial raise Eric offered to go up there and work.  He really likes the work and the company they are working for.  They are trying to get them to sign a 2 year work contract.  If they do that then he would be up there prity much permanently.  He has been working all week and coming home on weekends.  It has been a rough go with all that has been happening and with my health.  We just don't like being apart that often.  So we may be looking at moving up there.  I am not sure I would have ever picked that area to live in but you just never know I guess.  We will go up and look around and see what we think and have to get an answer from them on a contract and then we can go from there.
   I have no idea what will happen but I know it really makes life crazy with the not knowing for a while.  I hope by the 1st of the year we will have an answer.  I am torn with the move but I think it could be a great opportunity to.  We shall see what happens:)

Don't think I had shared

So about a month ago George Strait tickets went on sale for his April concert.  This was on my bucket list and a dream of mine to see him in concert.  As well as my husbands to.  I had looked up on average what tickets were costing and most were running $175(nose bleed) to $1500 for floor.  Yikes ya that is out:( And they were selling out in minutes. But I seen if you joined his fan club for $15 you got presale tickets a few days before so I though what the heck.  So I signed up and the presale dale came and guess what..... YA I got tickets:)  We are going to see King George:) SOOOOOOOOOOO Excited!!! I ended up getting tickets for $100 and we are one section up from the floor which I actually prefer for seeing the whole stage:)  I still can't believe I am going to get to go.  Always awesome when dreams come true!!!!

Been Crazy around here

Well lots has been going on and happening here.  Sadly a lot of it not so good:(  But hopefully we are heading in a better direction for the holidays.  Trying to get things scheduled and done for that:)  It always seems to sneak up on me even though it is the same time every year:)
  Shar is settling into her new boarding home prity well and has a buddy that keeps sneaking into her pasture to hangout with her.  So I am glad to see she seems to be doing well and seems to be healing up alright.  She is still a little sore from Pringle going crazy on her.  I think she misses him despite him going loco on her. I do to. Yes he could be a butt head and he wasn't exactly the best horse in the world but he was one of my fur babies and I miss him daily.  Just glad Shar seems to be happy where she is and it is only about 10 minutes away so that is good.
   Then we got our life turned inside out when Eric job moved him out of state again.  It isn't to far away.  About 3 hours but still he is gone.  He does come home on the weekends so that is better than ND when it was over a month usually.  We are not sure if it will become permanent or not yet.  Then there is the question of if it does do I move up there or do I stay close to friends and family?  Then he would be home on weekends.  So we are praying on that.  I don't like it but I understand sometimes you gotta do what ya gotta do.  But I really like my husband.  I know so cheesy but he TRULY is my best friend so it is so hard for us to be apart.  So we will see what all this brings in the next few months.
   Hope everyone has a very blessed, happy and safe holiday season!!! May we all remember the real reason for the season!!!!

Motivational Monday-Veterans Day

This video touched my heart in such a deep way.  As you watch you can see the pain and suffering in his eyes and his demeanor.  But at the end when he sees himself for the first time you can see him change in that moment!!! I pray that this will be a permanent change for his life and that he will be blessed beyond measure.  Our veterans go through so much in service of us and our country.  Thank you all veterans out there for all that you do!!!!

Motivational Monday-Strength from the LORD

I haven't written about the last two weeks as they have been  VERY tough and just haven't been able to write about them yet.  So this was a great scripture to read and to really meditate on.  It has been a rough go.  I had to put pringle down two weeks ago tomorrow and move shar twice and still waiting for her to settle in to her new home.  Then I took a fall and ended up with stitches in my hand and a lot of bruising and pain.  It has definitely been one of those when it rains it pours!!!  I have just had to cling to the LORDs word to keep it somewhat together.

Motivational Monday-Overcoming and doing amazing things

I have seen this video many times but it always touches my heart.  Overcoming many odds and heartache to do an amazing thing!!!  I only hope I can do that in my life.  Life has been kicking my butt lately so I hope to look back and see the new growth and renewal after all the fires.

Motivational Monday-Jeremiah 29:11

This is a scripture I have placed everywhere around my home. It brings comfort and peace.  It is always good to look to the LORD and his word in this life.  It is what I try to live by.  I do fall short for sure but I try.

Working on my blog style

I have a hard time coming up with things sometimes as I get  busy as everyone else and sometimes I don't have pictures that would make the post better so I have been trying to come up with a way to keep more in touch with my blog and post more often so I thought I would try some of the day of the week blogs.  I am not stylish so what I wore wed would NOT be pretty:)  I am going to pick some days and make them a regular thing.
 So my first day will be Motivational monday.  What better way to start a week than being motivated.  I will use things from my life, others lives, the internet, etc.  Hope you will enjoy this:)

Doing more with this blog

I have said it before and I need to really make more of an effort to keep this blog up.  I love looking back and remembering all we have been through.  I have slacked and also been a little intimidated to write somethings.  I am who I am and that is all I will ever be.  So I want to make sure I spend more time updating and sharing:)  I love blogging and am so grateful for the friends I have made here.  I learn so much from reading about others and what they are going through.  I love the people that are real and share the good, the bad and the ugly.  The ones that stand up for what they believe in no matter what others say.  That takes guts and I appreciate that.  So I will try and remember that when I hesitate to share things.  Thank you to everyone who reads my blog and comments.  It is nice to have others share their opinion and experiences:)

My heart is in south dakota

My heart never left south dakota when we left.  I truly feel like that is where home is.  But seeing all the pictures and reading all the articles my heart is with everyone there.  I can't even put into words the sadness I have for all that are going through that.  It will affect people in SOOOO many ways.  I have checked in with all of our friends in the area and some did alright and there were a few that just started to cry and all they could say was they are gone in reference to the cattle.  So as we go about our days please lift these people and their livestock up in prayer as this is going to change peoples lives forever!!!

October already!!

Man every years seems to go faster.  This has been a crazy one for sure.  October is my favorite month and Halloween is my favorite holiday.  To top it off it is my husbands birth month so it is all around a good month:)  Not to mention hunting season:)  We have been busy with getting ready and now hunting, working, and keeping up with family and friends.
   My body on the other hand is not keeping up and trying to kick my butt.  But I have found a group on facebook for hashi's sufferers and am learning SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much.  There is so much to auto immune disorders that I did not know and that I am appalled and irritated that doctors don't know or emphasize.  I am having to make huge changes in my life diet wise, medication wise, etc.  This disease can lead to very bad things such as diabetes, heart disease, ms, and many many other issues.  There is no cure and it is something I will battle for the rest of my life but all this knowledge will help me make it at least better.  Now we are working on trying to get insurance so I can get in for check ups and have some help in all the tests I need.  We have found spots on my kidneys, ribs and now enlargement in my throat so we are trying to find affordable insurance so we can get the MRI and CAT scans done to make sure the cancer is not back and has not spread.  It is scary to say the least. So we will see what happens.  I keep praying for the best and a long happy life with my husband.
   I am ready for the cool weather but not the record amounts of rain:( ICK!!!  I Hope we got a lot of it out of the way for the winter then:)  But it is Oregon so I am sure it will give us plenty of rain the next 9 months:)
 

4 years and forever to go:)

Can't believe it has already been 4 years.  Seems like yesterday.  We have been through so much in those 4 years and the 3 years before our wedding.  But we have come out stronger and more in love!!!  I am blessed to have the most amazing husband that loves me for me and unconditionally.  That is so very rare to find anymore so I count my blessing daily.  I thank the LORD for sending me my prince charming.

   Thank you Handsome for the most amazing life and I look forward to seeing where our adventures take us.  You are my world and I couldn't imagine it without you.  Love you forever and ever and ever after that!!!

Summer of reflection and learning

I know I have disappeared but it has been as I am sure for everyone a very crazy busy summer!! We have gone on a few trips and I have spent time with friends and family.  I have had a rough summer with problems from my hashimotos disease and my arms so I am trying to learn to balance it all.  So it has been a growing summer also. But it has been a summer of deep reflection also.  Being here in Oregon has changed a lot for me and helped me to work through somethings.  Not fix things but work through them.  I think the hardest thing in life is to realize not all things can or will be fixed but it is coming to peace with them not being or being able to.  That is so hard for me.  I don't like to give up on people and I don't like people to think bad of me.  It has been a huge burden in my life and something I know I will continue to struggle with.  I have learned this summer a lot about letting people go that don't deserve to be in my life, I have learned a little more that I can't help what others think(that one still deeply hurts),  I have learned that life isn't going to ever be how you think it should be(I mean I knew that but I need to be ok with that).  I have learned that trying to be everything everyone else thinks or wants will never work for anyone and that it is ok not to be.  I don't want to be a cold, uncaring, hard person but I also don't want to be door mat and sad all the time.  It is learning that balance.
  It has been hard for me being back in Oregon not only with a lot of rain most of the year but with family and friends. I don't like drama, gossip and backstabbing and unfortunately my family and some friend circles are full of it.  I don't want to be that or like that. I knew that before coming here but you always hope it would be different and you are always sad when you miss out on things but in the end I think it was healthier and better when I just visited.  But I will say I wouldn't trade this time as I think growing up we get ideas in our head from the view we seen and talking with family more deeply this year has help me to see where I was wrong in things I thought and that my family had WAY more problems than I ever knew.  It is sad to find a lot of these things out, but it also released me in a way of thinking I didn't measure up or that I needed to impress them.  I always wanted that loving, supportive, kind, family but in reality that is not my family.  They are hurt, sad, bitter, resentful and that hurts.  I will continue to pray and I will change what I can in how I am but in the end we can't change others.  Just sad to see it:(
   I have also very much realized I don't fit in and this is not the life style.  I don't like busy, busy, rush, rush, traffic, lines, etc.  I like a slower paced life with kind people around.  We are both praying on what we should do next so we shall see what the next adventure brings:)  But for now I am just trying to learn and grow.

The Oregon struggle

  So we have been here 8 months now and I have to say I was right.  This was not a good option for us.  Of course I always missed my friends and some of my family but I have to say I never missed the drama and the garbage.   I definitely didn't miss the traffic and crowded stores and such.  I am not built to be a city girl for sure.  We don't even live in the city but close enough that it feels like it.  The summer has been beautiful, but I definitely did not do well over the winter and spring with all the rain, rain, rain.
  Eric has struggled with the go, go, go and people, people, people:)  We do both love the beach, the mountains and the rivers and lakes:)  But it comes with so many expectations from others and drama.  That we both are not interested in for sure.  It is just so hard when you are away 7 years and you are on your own it makes it harder to be patient with all that. I am trying to be patient and trying not to get wrapped up in all of it but I find that hard.  I think the old saying you are who you hang with is sooooooooooooo true!!!  Of course I have loved spending time with my nieces and nephews, friends and family, but  I feel like visiting was better for the most part:)  
   We are just trying to enjoy the good parts and figure out how to distance ourselves from the bad without causing more garbage and drama.  Life is to short for all the drama and unimportant.  So for now we are just enjoying the time we can with those we love and seeing the beauty of oregon.  We are praying to see what the LORD will do next:)

I am Hashimotos- This is the disease I live with and fight with daily! I couldn't have said it any better myself!!!

Hi.  My name is Hashimoto's.  I'm an invisible autoimmune disease that attacks your thyroid gland causing you to become hypothyroid.

I am now velcroed to you for life.  If you have hypothyroidism, you probably have me. I am the number one cause of it in the U.S. and many other places around the world.

I'm so sneaky--I don't always show up in your blood work.

Others around you can't see me or hear me, but YOUR body feels me.

I can attack you anywhere and any way I please.

I can cause severe pain or, if I'm in a good mood, I can just cause you to ache all over.

Remember when you and energy ran around together and had fun?

I took energy from you, and gave you exhaustion. Try to have fun now.

I can take good sleep from you and in its place, give you brain fog and lack of concentration.

I can make you want to sleep 24/7, and I can also cause insomnia.

I can make you tremble internally or make you feel cold or hot when everyone else feels normal.

I can also give you swollen hands and feet, swollen face and eyelids, swollen everything.

I can make you feel very anxious with panic attacks or very depressed.  I can also cause other mental health problems. You know crazy mood swings? That's me. Crying for no reason? Angry for no reason? That's probably me too.

I can make your hair fall out, become dry and brittle, cause acne, cause dry skin, the sky is the limit with me.

I can make you gain weight and no matter what you eat or how much you exercise, I can keep that weight on you. I can also make you lose weight. I don't discriminate.

Some of my other autoimmune disease friends often join me, giving you even more to deal with.

If you have something planned, or are looking forward to a great day, I can take that away from you. You didn't ask for me. I chose you for various reasons:

That virus or viruses you had that you never really recovered from, or that car accident, or maybe it was the years of abuse and trauma (I thrive on stress.) You may have a family history of me. Whatever the cause, I'm here to stay.

I hear you're going to see a doctor to try and get rid of me. That makes me laugh.  Just try. You will have to go to many, many doctors until you find one who can help you effectively.

You will be put on the wrong medication for you, pain pills, sleeping pills, energy pills, told you are suffering from anxiety or depression, given anti-anxiety pills and antidepressants.

There are so many other ways I can make you sick and miserable, the list is endless - that high cholesterol, gall bladder issue, blood pressure issue, blood sugar issue, heart issue among others? That's probably me.

Can't get pregnant, or have had a miscarriage?

That's probably me too.

Shortness of breath or "air hunger?" Yep, probably me.

Liver enzymes elevated? Yep, probably me.

Teeth and gum problems? TMJ?

Hives? Yep, probably me.

I told you the list was endless. 

You may be given a TENs unit, get massaged, told if you just sleep and exercise properly I will go away.

You'll be told to think positively, you'll be poked, prodded, and MOST OF ALL, not taken seriously when you try to explain to the endless number of doctors you've seen, just how debilitating I am and how ill and exhausted you really feel.  In all probability you will get a referral from these 'understanding'  (clueless) doctors, to see a psychiatrist.

Your family, friends and co-workers will all listen to you until they just get tired of hearing about how I make you feel, and just how debilitating I can be.

Some of them will say things like "Oh, you are just having a bad day" or "Well, remember, you can't do the things you use to do 20 YEARS ago", not hearing that you said 20 DAYS ago.

They'll  also say things like,  "if you just get up and move, get outside and do things, you'll feel better." They won't understand that I take away the 'gas' that powers your body and mind to ENABLE you to do those things.

Some will start talking behind your back, they'll call you a hypochondriac, while you slowly feel that you are losing your dignity trying to make them understand, especially if you are in the middle of a conversation with a "normal" person, and can't remember what you were going to say next. You'll be told things like, "Oh, my grandmother had that, and she's fine on her medication" when you desperately want to explain that I don't impose myself upon everyone in the exact same way, and just because that grandmother is fine on the medication SHE'S taking, doesn't mean it will work for you.

They will not understand that having this disease impacts your body from the top of your head to the tip of your toes, and that every cell and every body system and organ requires the proper amount and the right kind of of thyroid hormone medication for YOU.

Not what works for someone else.

The only place you will get the kind of support and understanding in dealing with me is with other people that have me. They are really the only ones who can truly understand.

I am Hashimoto's Disease.

Crazy Busy!!!

This summer has been crazy busy.  It has been full of lots of different activities and adventures.  I am still spending  A LOT of time with doctors and therapists and we are still at a stale mate.  They are back to thinking there is something wrong in the neck:(  So still hoping and praying things get better there.
   We have been camping a few different times to some great places.  I will have to do some posts on those with pictures here soon:)  I have a lot of blog catching up to do.  We have spent a lot of time with friends and family and are having to relearn boundaries and how to stay out of drama.  It is the reason I left Oregon in the first place and the reason I didn't want to move back.  Dealing with drama, alcoholism and such.  I don't deal with it!  So learning how to avoid it and not let the back biting and gossip hurt.  So it has been a crazy busy summer here!!

I'm not hiding

I am not hiding it has just been CRAZY busy and filled with a bunch of family drama that we don't want!!!  SO I will have to catch up here really soon with pictures from our camping trip last weekend and just what is going on in life.  As life always does it really has some twists and turns!!!

I am worth it!!!

SO perfectly said!!!  This is me in a small quote.  I am still working on the second half for sure.  I find myself still wanting to hold onto people I shouldn't. I don't like to give up on people, because I don't like to be givin up on but in reality most of the people have given up on me, or honestly never truly cared that much.  It makes me sooooooooooooooooooo sad to realize that but I need to realize it and I need to address it and let it go.  I think these past couple of years have been rough because I have really really tried to hold onto people and relationships I should have let go.  It breaks my heart to realize it and to figure out how to address it.  But in reality it is holding me back in life.  The hurt, sadness, frustration and anger only hurt me.  I hurt for people who don't hurt for me.  I hurt for people that I wasn't important to. I came back to a place holding onto these ideas that it was where I belonged and in reality I don't belong.  I have hurt so deeply over so many things and it is only hurting me.  I need to get all that hurt out, deal with it and let it go.  I am not sure how I will do all that yet but at least I know I need to.  Now to figure out how to.  I just don't want to become a cold, hard, unhappy person.  I want that sparkle, that bubbliness, that happy me back.  I should never have let people take that from me and I won't make that mistake again.  I deserve better and my husband definitely deserves better.  So we shall see where the growing comes in.  I know this will get harder before it gets better.

Lots of catching up to do

So I have been home from hunting like 6 days.  I know where is the posts and where is the catch up posts you ask???  Been crazy busy and things are not slowing down this week.  I will catch up as soon as I can.

This sickness:(

So I have slacked and missed a lot on the blog post challenge in may:(  This sickness is still here.  I finally went to ER and they think it is a virus in stomach and intestines   They put me on pain pills and anti nausea pills.  They help a little.  I am leaving for hunting on Wednesday so I am hoping and praying that I feel a million times better by then.  I am just going to do the challenge thru June on the days that I have missed.  It is a fun way to share things.  Hope everyone is well while I am away.  Look forward to bringing you stories and pictures:)  And hopefully a bear rug;)

The flu:( But 10 things I love

I have had the flu the last 3 days and have been miserable:(  I have fallen behind on my may blog challenge but I will try and get caught up soon.  I also realized I will be out of town with no service for 7 days.  I am going Bear hunting next week so I will not be getting to post then so I may just go into June with the days I have missed in may:)  Here is yesterdays topic I missed.

10 things I love:-No particular order
1.GOD will be first and foremost of course.  Without him we all have nothing.

2. All the time I get to spend with my husband.  I not only love my husband but I truly like him to.  I love our time together.  We have so much fun in all that we do.

3. I love anything I get to do with horses.  I love riding, grooming, and even cleaning stalls.  There is just something about a horse that makes my heart smile.

4. I love camping and vacationing:)  This is truly one of my favorite things ever.  I wish I could make a living doing this:)  I just enjoy being away and experiencing so many different exciting things.

5. I love to spend time with great friends and family.  To laugh and just enjoy time together with no worries, sadness  or gossip.

6. I love my pets(kids) soooooooooooo much.  They make me laugh, cry, yell:)  they make my life complete.  They are just a bonus in this life for sure:)

7. Crafting- I love to do all kinds of crafts.  I just love to make things and give them away as gifts.  I love to have home made things around my home.

8. Campfires- There is just something soothing and reminiscence of sitting around a campfire.  There is such a peace and happiness in it.

9. The Beach-There is just something about the beach.  The sound of the waves hitting the shore.  The way the sun sinks into this vast beautiful mirror like water in the evening.  IT is a place of peace, reflection and joy to me.

10. The mountains- I love the smells, the creatures, the sounds.  I love how close to GOD I feel here. I love how at those moments I get to be there I feel at home, I feel free, I feel like life isn't so crazy and out of control.  I love to see GOD's work in all the plant life, the animals and me:)

Something I miss.........

Todays blog challenge-Day 12, Sunday: What do you miss? (a person, a thing, a place, a time of your life...)

  

I thought a lot about this one.  There is so many things and people that I could write about.  I could write about the people I miss that have passed on, I could write about all the people that have drifted away, I could write about the relationships that weren't what they seemed.  I could write about the days of less responsibility and more freedom, I could write about the days of better health.  In life I think we could think about a lot of people and things we miss.

  To be honest I think what I miss the most is some of the person I use to be.  I know the big changes started in my first marriage when I started loosing myself to a person that only cared about himself and what he wanted.  To someone that pushed, prodded and talked until I felt like nothing.  Then came getting the Tularemia that took all my physical strength.  When that was over and I started to get a little better it hit me hard not only was all my physical strength gone but so was my emotional strength.  I had fought for my life and I had found out really fast who really cared and who my real friends were and sadly that number was not very big.  It was then that I realize it changed me.  It put a sadness and hurt into me that I have not been able to shake.  I find myself frustrated with people and wanting to pull away.  I find myself just wanting to pull back and be alone.  It wasn't like that was the first or last time people had disappointed me but it was like the straw that broke the camels back I guess.  On top of that losing my physical strength really hurt.  I had always been strong and tough and could get through anything and always tried to see the positive side of everything.  I miss that!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss that strong woman that didn't take crap from anyone, who knew who she was, who was hardworking and healthy.  I have found out quickly through the past few years of cancer, and torn bicep tendons with complications that I am not as strong as I thought and that I don't like the person I have become.  I don't like the frustration, the sadness  the disappointment and definitely being scared.  I hate being scared and I am scared.  I miss being optimistic  bubbly, etc.  

  Life has knocked me down one to many times and I am trying my hardest to get back up and not let it take me down.  I miss that girl that was sooooooooooooooooooooo tough!!!!!!

one piece of advice I can offer

So Day 7 is to offer one piece of advice.  I think the best piece of advice I can offer is not to Judge so quickly.  It is really easy to pass a judgement so quickly and I too am guilty of this.  But it is one of the biggest things I am trying to work on now.  It is so easy to look at someone and to judge them not only by their looks and actions but by how we think they should live their life.  I know that I could live my life differently and better I am sure but I also have things that have happened to me that have broken parts of me that make that difficult and at this time impossible in ways.  We don't know everyones story and just because we can do something doesn't mean everyone can.  It is sad but in this world there are A LOT of broken people who have been wounded severely by people and it makes life even harder for them.  I would love to be stronger, smarter, thinner  prettier, etc but that doesn't mean it is possible at this moment for me and maybe never.  Some of the wounds that we have inflicted upon us can damage us and also remember we have the ability to inflict those wounds on others.  Lets try not to.  Lets try and truly understand a person before we just right them off or pass a judgement.  

  Now I am not saying that gives everyone a free pass to be irresponsible, lazy, rude, mean, dangerous, etc.  There is wrong and right and there is people with just plain bad intentions.  It is just finding that line.  Thinking on it before we pass a judgement or right someone off.

  Also use your own judgement.  Find out for yourself and not just let others make those decisions for you.

Things I am most afraid of.....

Day 7 post.  Now this one made me really think.  I wouldn't say I am afraid of everything but I am afraid of a lot still.  I think everyone is afraid of the basics like loosing the ones they love, failing, loosing a job, etc.
I would say those are things I to am afraid of.  But here are a few other things.....

*letting my husband down- not being the wife he deserves or needs
*my pets getting sick or loosing them
*letting others down- not being a good friend or family member
*Making mistakes financially
*My arms not healing better

A big one for me is that I won't be able to get my weight and health under control.  I am afraid that I won't be able to get my thyroid better and my weight under control.  I am extremely frustrated and unhappy with being so overweight.  I feel horrible physically, mentally and emotionally.  I am tired of being embarrassed to be out in public, to not be able to fit into clothes, to not have any energy to do the basics, to just plain feel bad.  The thyroid messes up so much physically and in life.  I just want to have the energy back to be able to exercise and participate in life.  I want to have that fun outgoing me back.  I want to look in the mirror and like what I see and right now that just isn't it. I want to be the best me I can be and I am FAR from that now.  I want to be healthier and happier to enjoy this one life we all have.

Day 6- what do you do?

I am suppose to answer this with something other than a career.  Well right now honestly I am not sure how to answer this question.  Honestly I really don't do anything right now.  After my arm injuries in July 2011 I haven't really done anything but go to doctors, doctors, and more doctors.  I have always been a goer and a doer and this has really  put a halt to mostly everything.  It is amazing how quickly things can change when parts of your body don't work properly and especially two major parts like your arms.  To live with chronic pain is crippling.  This affects every single part of my life and it has been hard so I guess the only thing that I come up with that I do right now is I try to fight it. I try to fight the way it makes me feel, I try to fight it being a permanent impairment, I fight.  I don't want to just sit around and do nothing.  I don't want this to win.  I want to enjoy life the best I can.  I want to be the best wife I can, I want to contribute in my life and my relationships and I won't let the pain and impairments win.  So for now that is what I do.

Day 5- A truly great blogger friend

Today we are suppose to tell about a blogger friend that inspires us, interests us or is just plain great and I will say that Sarah is all of that and more.  Her name is Sarah and her blog is between the fence posts at http://sarahsthoughtsandpictures.blogspot.com/2013/03/getting-to-know-redbud-farm.html.
   You really do need to read all about her and her adventures on the road truck driving and then at home with all her critters:)  She is an amazing photographer and writer and shares such great things.  I always love to read what she has to share and seeing the pictures she has written:)
   I have had the pleasure of meeting sarah and her husband malcolm in person for a few minutes once when they were unloading near us in colorado, gosh it has been way to long since I have gotten to see her:(  We do keep in touch on facebook though and I just think she is truly an amazing person.
   You will love the stories of her travels, her new farm and of course of the girls ( her chinese cresteds:)) They all have so much personality to share.
    So go and check out her blog and I know you will fall in love with her stories and pictures and you will truly be blessed to get to know a very sweet person.
 

Things that make me uncomfortable- May challenge day 3

Oh this list could be long.  Hey thats it maybe just a list:)

*being overweight

*shopping- I know most woman love it but being overweight really makes it uncomfortable for me.  I won't even go into most stores because I know things won't fit and I always feel like people will look at me and think is she kidding nothing will fit.

*going into a new place where I don't know anyone

*going into a place that I feel like I am not dressed properly

*going to something or somewhere that I don't know what to expect

*asking people for help

*confrontation of course-most of us are that way

*accepting help-always makes me feel bad and then worried it will be used against me later

*strangers being to close to me-those people in the grocery store especially that stand an inch from you in line

I know I am uncomfortable a lot!!!  

Blog everyday in may challenge

I found this challenge on a fellow blogger calamity lace's page.  She got it from a fellow blogger.  I love how so many people can be connected from so many different places and backgrounds )  I will put a button to the original blog so that anyone else can participate and read about others:)  I am starting a little late so I will have to go back and do the first couple days at some point.  Hope everyone enjoys this:)

Day 1, Wednesday: The story of your life in 250 words or less (or one paragraph... no one will be counting your words... probably)
Day 2, Thursday: Educate us on something you know alot about or are good at. Take any approach you'd like (serious and educational or funny and sarcastic)
Day 3, Friday: Things that make you uncomfortable
Day 4, Saturday: Favorite quote (from a person, from a book, etc) and why you love it
Day 5, Sunday: Publicly profess your love and devotion for one of your blogger friends. What makes them great? Why do you love them? If you don't have blogger friends, talk about a real-life friend or even a family member
Day 6, Monday: If you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer the question, 'what do you do'?
Day 7, Tuesday: The thing(s) you're most afraid of
Day 8, Wednesday: A piece of advice you have for others. Anything at all.
Day 9, Thursday: A moment in your day (this can be just a photo or both a photo and words)
Day 10, Friday: Most embarrassing moment (s). Spill. 
Day 11, Saturday: Sell yourself in 10 words or less
Day 12, Sunday: What do you miss? (a person, a thing, a place, a time of your life...)
Day 13, Monday: Issue a public apology. This can be as funny or as serious or as creative as you want it to be.
Day 14, Tuesday: Ten things that make you really happy
Day 15, Wednesday: A Day in the life (include photos from throughout your typical day - this could be "a photo an hour" if you'd like)
Day 16, Thursday: Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it
Day 17, Friday: A favorite photo of yourself and why
Day 18, Saturday: Tell a story from your childhood. Dig deep and try to be descriptive about what you remember and how you felt.
Day 19, Sunday: Five of your favorite blogs and what you love about them
Day 20, Monday: Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.
Day 21, Tuesday: A list of links to your favorite posts in your archives
Day 22, Wednesday: Rant about something. Get up on your soapbox and tell us how you really feel. (a pet peeve, a current event, a controversial topic, something your husband or roommate or neighbor or boss does that really ticks you off)
Day 23, Thursday: Things you've learned that school won't teach you
Day 24, Friday: Your top 3 worst traits
Day 25, Saturday: Something someone told you about yourself that you'll never forget (good or bad)
Day 26, Sunday: Something you read online. Leave a link and discuss, if you'd like.
Day 27, Monday: A letter to your readers
Day 28, Tuesday: Only pictures
Day 29, Wednesday: Five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories. Use Grooveshark or YouTube to include them in the post
Day 30, Thursday: React to this term: Letting Go
Day 31, Friday: A vivid memory

A truly great day!!

It was a great day today!!!  To start it off I woke up to a beautiful view of mount hood out my window and it was stunningly sunny and in the 70's:)  But what made it so great was spending time with a truly dear dear friend.  We went for a long walk this afternoon and got some starbucks on the way back. I know can't get better than that right:)  This friend is someone who is truly dear to my heart.  We haven't gotten to see a lot of each other since I moved back with my schedule and hers but today was awesome.  We got to just walk and talk.  It was awesome to chat and catch up and just enjoy each others company!! I love days like that!!!

 

avoiding the blog

I know, I know I haven't been on here much.  The truth is I have been avoiding it.  It is time I woman up and be honest.  I had a couple prity bad experiences with people  being judgemental and just plain mean actually on here.  But then I decided you know what I started this blog to share my feelings and life and even more than that to be able to look back and see how I grow.  So I need to stop avoiding this and quit worrying.  I tend to worry too much about what others think and I don't want that to hold me back in life.
   It has been a big learning and growing experience being here in Oregon in the past 6 months.  I really didn't even want to move here.  Of course part of me wanted to.  Part of me wanted to be closer to my close friends and family but at the same time I know that in reality some of those friendships and relationships aren't good or healthy.  In life you always want to be able to count on family and friends and you want it to be loving and kind and in reality sometimes it just isn't this way.  You can't change others that is for sure.  I had said before we came here that I really didn't want to because in my heart I knew what I wanted and expected wasn't reality.  So it has been a rough go.  I am trying to learn though.  It isn't only about others and there choices for sure, but about me and how I have been.  I have acted like a person I really don't care to be.  Getting caught up in talking about others and their life and what I think is right-wrong and what they should and shouldn't do.  That is SO WRONG!!!  It is really easy to look from the outside in and judge but it isn't right or ok.  We don't know truly how a person can deal with things.  We don't know everything they have gone through.  Now I am not saying you should excuse bad or immoral behavior or let dangerous people into your life.  I believe sometimes you have to stay away from some people and bad situations.
   I have just found being back here to be hard and filled me with anxiety.  I hear people talking behind my back, or hear of people talking behind my back.  I don't like it and it HURTS DEEPLY!!!! but even more than that I don't like it and it hurts so I don't want to do the same to others.  I may not agree with their choices or their way of doing things but if they aren't hurting me or putting me in danger what good will I do them if I am judging them and talking bad about them.  It does nothing for no one!  I don't want to be that person!
  I will try and write more and share more good and the struggles:) I don't want to feel like I can't share and I want to be able to look back and know I was always me and that maybe it will help others who struggle tol.

March Birthday Bash!!

So in March is my birthday, my cousins birthday and my best friends birthday so we decided to have a march birthday bash at our local country bar.  It was a blast.  We got all dressed up and just had  a ton of fun.  I am not really a drinker.  Well lets put it this way in the past 10 years I have drank 3 times.  So ya not much of a drinker:) But I did drink that night.  It was a ton of fun:)  We danced, we sang, we just had a great time goofing off and celebrating together.  Was nice to have friends and family to celebrate with.  Here are a few pics from that night:)

The march Birthday Girls

 Birthday girls, sister in-law and mom

Me and my bestie of 24 years:)

Ya this is after a few shots:) 

Have a blessed Easter!!!

Hope that everyone has a blessed easter.  It is nice to be able to go and celebrate with friends and family.  To see the kids do their easter egg hunts and just enjoy time together and what the LORD has done for us.  I am also blessed to get to celebrate my birthday on such a blessed holiday.  Hope everyone enjoys there day and may we all remember what Christ did for us and what the holiday is truly all about!!!

Oregon is keeping me busy

I need to take more pics and write more stories:)  It has been busy, busy with all my friends and some family to hangout with.  Been hiking a ton up in the woods which has been nice.  I am getting ready for a spring bear hunt trip end of may so I want to be in shape for that.  The woods are beautiful and having some of my greatest friends in the world to hang with is AWESOME. We just love getting away and enjoying nature and chatting.  We have also had some adventures that were both great and frightening with a Bear encounter.  But luckily it chose to retreat.

Also have been enjoying girls time with cousins and friends.  Getting nails done and shopping some.  It is nice to have others to do that with and have some be able to tell you if something looks good when you try it on:) The girly side of me coming out:)

Eric is loving his new job and his boss has really taken a liking to him and giving him a lot of responsibility to be in charge when he not there and to run the other shops when the guys go out of town.  So it is great to see him get appreciated for his hard work and effort.  He finally feels like he has a future somewhere with a company that values a good employee.  So we are very thankful for that.

I am still battling my arm issues.  They have not gotten better and actually have gotten worse.  I have to use slings on the hikes and such so that they don't get to painful.  They are not sure there is anything else they can do.  This may be permanent:(  I REALLY REALLY hope not as it really does take a lot from my life.  But we shall see what time brings.  It won't ruin my life...I won't let it!!

I hope all my fellow bloggers are well.  I need to catch up on my reading soon:)

Colorado and back in like 24 hrs

So I had to go to Colorado for my IME appt.  I was suppose to fly out at 2:45 and then be back at 9:05 the next night.  But of course we get on the plane and seated and waiting and waiting and then they tell us something is wrong with the plane.  They continue to try and fix it while it makes horrible noises and finally we have to get off the plane with no known time frame.  Well thankfully it wasn't the longest we could have had to wait but we ended up leaving 2 1/2 hours late.  So I didn't get to my hotel till 9 pm and ate dinner and went to sleep.  Next morning Dr appt at 11 then done at 12.  Then back to Denver Airport to wait till my plane left at 7.  So it was a crazy 24 hours.
    The IME appt. didn't go as I had hoped for sure.  He doesn't believe the cysts in my neck are the cause of the nerve pain and lack of use.  He said unless Dr. Dodge believes there is a surgery to be done that could help or some other form of treatment he thinks will work we will be done with trying to fix the problems with my arms:(  So that means I could be stuck with all this lack of motion and nerve pain:(  So I am anxious to see what the next few weeks will bring once they get the report at workers comp.  I have prayed and prayed for an answer to fix this so I will continue to pray for healing.
     This has gone on for so long:(  We are at 19 months now and it has definitely changed my life and my abilities.  So I will continue to try and stay as positive as possible and to learn to do things the best I can with what I got.  Thank you everyone who has been supportive and prayed.  Means a lot.

I know I have disappeared

It has been a long time since I have written. I find myself very busy now that we are close to friends and family:)  I love getting to spend time with those I love and enjoy time with.  It has been great to feel a part of things again.  I am blessed to have some great friends here.  I feel like I have my "family" back when I am with them:)  So it has been great.
  I am still busy with doctors and physical therapy.  We have still not gotten any farther:(  That part is frustrating and disappointing.  I am not ready to give up on that their is a fix but I have had to start preparing myself in-case their is no fix.  I can't straighten my arms all the way, I can't turn my hands over, and still not able to lift over 2lbs for long or at all.  And the pain stinks.  After walking around the sportsman show this weekend I was miserable.  but I don't want to miss out on a lot of things and I don't want to whine and cry about it all the time so I just suck it up a lot and deal.  That is really what ya got to do.  My IME got rescheduled to this weekend in Colorado so I am hoping to get some more answers.  We shall see where things go.
   Now I am working on getting all our reservations for a big family-friend camp reunion.  We use to go to the same place every year together.  It was a HUGE deal and we would have 50+ people in our group.  We loved it.  It was some of my favorite memories. My mom use to do the reservations and got burned out on it so it just quit which was so sad:(  So I decided since I am back we need to get it started again.  I am so very excited about it and can't wait for July to be here:)
  Hope all my blogger friends are well.  Love reading about how life is going for y'all.

A very busy but fun weekend

We had a VERY busy but fun weekend.  We went to a movie early Friday and got a call from a friend to come and celebrate a very special 21 year olds birthday with her at a local country bar.  It was a blast.  We danced, we visited and just had an awesome time.  "A" is very very important to me so it was great to be here and be able to share that with her.  We got home at around 4am and then we were up and out to get hay and such.  Then brother and sister in-law called kid free wanting to go out to do some karaoke so out we went again:)  I don't sing but Handsome does and I love to hear him:)
 Then yesterday we headed up into the cascade foothills to do some target shooting and enjoy the snow:)  It was a good time all around.  This is what makes being here in all this icky rain worth it:)

The boys warming up between target shootin

The boys finished off our old laptop that gave us to many issues:) 

Don't think they can repair that:)

Love the woods full of snow

A beautiful Sunday day trip

It has been terribly foggy and cold and just icky here these past 10 days.  Not a single bit of sunshine so we decided to go where the sunshine was.  We went to the beach for a day trip. It was AWESOME.  I love the beach sooooooooooo much.  It was one of the things I truly missed living in the midwest and rockies. We spent A LOT of time at the beach growing up as our family had beach houses there so we were spoiled to get to go whenever we wanted.  There is just this peace and relaxing feeling of being there.  

We started out by walking to the end of the jetty.  This was Duke's first time ever seeing the beach and ocean and only like the 4th time Eric has seen it.  He has never been on the jetty so he was amazed.  You really get to see the power of the ocean standing out there.

The boys weren't to sure about having all those waves crashing around them but they did like the beach:)

Loved this picture of Handsome walking along the water line down on the beach.

It was just nice to get away and enjoy some quality time together.  We just enjoyed the sun, the somewhat warmth(50 degrees:)) We walked around town to all the cute little shops.  Went to the Tillamook cheese factory for cheese samples and ice cream of course:)  Just an all around great day.  Next time we hoping to go for couple days.