It gets me everytime!!!

I don't know about anyone else, but one of my favorite things at the rodeo is when they do the national anthem. To see that flag carried by a rider horseback. It takes my breath away. It is so majestic and beautiful and it represents us as a country and our people and has been there through all our history. It always brings tears to my eyes. My favorite intro is the John Wayne intro and then the star spangle banner sang live. I don't know why but it always gets me:)

We got to go to some of the black hills stock show and rodeo stuff this weekend and that just stuck in my mind. How much it means to me and that someday I want to be that woman that carries that banner with pride in an arena of people cheering for what this country originally stood for: freedom, liberty, justice and being one nation under GOD!!!!

All these photos are just random photos that I loved on google. Thank you to all who shared them with us!

Enough is Enough!!!!! Gotta do something about this!!!

Ok so I know I have said I have been struggling with my weight, but it is more than a struggle, it is my life. I am just at a point where I hate to even look at myself, I hate myself and I don't even want to go out in public. I need to be more honest in my blogs after all that is what this is all about!!! It is out of control and I really seen that with the pictures of me riding diesel yesterday. I can't even stand to see them, the minute I saw the picture tears started streaming down my face!!! I just feel trapped in this body that isn't me!! I have always kind of battled weight, but usually I just cut back on my food and excises a little more and it would come off. Don't get me wrong I have never been a skinny Minny, my body isn't built to be. But I was average and athletic before. But every since my thyroid really went haywire and then I had it removed the weight has just packed on and won't leave. I know, I know why don't you just eat less and exercise more. That is great and yes I do need to work on both, but even when I do healthy food and up my exercise the weight doesn't budge and my health gets worse, I throw up tons and feel like I am going to pass out and I have chest pains that are really severe. Yes I have cowgirled up and even ran through it and everything stopping to get sick and pushing myself more, but it doesn't work. I can start slow to a build up and just can' t do it. But something HAS TO BE DONE!!!!! I CANNOT live like this!!! I cry as I write this. It is so hard for me to be vulnerable and to admit all this but maybe that is what I need to do to somehow start a change. I just want to be healthy and happy in my body. I want my body to quit fighting against me!!!

Lately has been really hard as it does not matter what I eat it comes right back up and you would think I would loose weight but no. The doctor wants to send me to a specialist for stomach scopes to check for cancer, gastroparenesis or other problems that could be contributing to my problem, but we don't have insurance so it will be a while till that happens. I will post some pictures below and believe me this is REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD FOR ME TO DO!!!!!! I just hope throughout this year they change and I change:)

This was me 3 years ago and I was prity happy with where I was

3 years ago about 155lbs

Now( don't even want to say it 220)

4 years ago riding

yesterday riding

First time I met eric 3 years ago

Being silly 3 years later

original wedding dress to wear but couldn't fit in it anymore

My wedding dress this september, thank gosh for corsets!!!!

I am just hoping by writing this I will be able to update it down the road with pictures of me getting healthy again. I just want to feel good and comfortable in my body again. I want to be able to enjoy my daily life and feel good. My health has really been poor lately and It worries me. I should just be thankful I am even here and I am. I hope it doesn't seem like I don't realize that looks aren't the most important thing in the world, cause they aren't but it is good to feel good about yourself and to be healthy.

Got to ride Diesel today:)

So I got to go riding for the first time in like a year. The last time I rode was the last ride I took before I had to give up my babies. It was so great to get back on a horse again and I realized how much I truly missed it!!!! I miss my horses so much, but they are in great homes now so I am glad for that. Shar is a riding horse at a youth ranch and chief is a 4H horse for two teenage girls so I feel really good about them having great homes, but it doesn't make me miss them any less. I have rode my entire life and never gone this long without riding, I realized today that a part of me has been missing without it!!! It felt so good and natural to be a top diesel. He is a great horse to ride. He is a little lazy but some bumper spurs used litely and he is fine. He is a sweetheart and he even enjoyed his ride:) Eric took some pictures while I was out on him and here are a couple. It was prity cold out so I was wearing like 50 layers and my prity red gloves:)

Restless!!!

So I am just so restless. Working on the ranch part time has helped but I still find myself restless. I have always been somebody who goes, goes, goes and always has something to do or somewhere to go. But the last couple years of my life have been prity quite. Don't get me wrong I love the ranch life, but I am such a people person and it can get prity lonely out here. I think more than anything I miss doing the fun active things like camping, hiking, trail riding with friends, just doing things with people in general. Most of all I really miss the horse shows. I loved being a barn manager and I loved showing. It kept me in great shape physically and it held me to goals and helped me to work on being a better horseman and person.

I loved the smell of the barns, I loved the sounds of all the people preparing, I loved the adrenaline of almost dieing when you have way to many people in a warm up arena(ok maybe not that part:), I loved watching others we knew in their classes and cheering them on, I loved the arabian barn parties, the traveling, and I loved to be out in the arena at 2am working my horses when there was prity much no one else around:) I loved sleeping in the tack stall at the shows and hearing all those horsey sounds. Who am I kidding I miss it all.

I guess now I just feel like I am going no where and don't really have direction in my life. I want to feel like I am doing something with my life and that I am making a difference in some way. I am sooooo lucky to be married to such an awesome man and a man that loves to be with me and spend time with me. I thank the LORD everyday for that. But I just feel like I need something more. Just something to work at and to accomplish.

I know I am just rambling and I am sorry, I just am needing to feel some sort of accomplishment and excitement I guess. I am not good at pushing myself and I will admit that. I have always done better in groups or in some kind of setting where you have to work towards something. Like showing I wanted to be the best and I don't mean that in a cut throat or uppity way, but I wanted to ride the best and I wanted to see a set of roses on my horse at nationals someday:) That helped me to focus and to train well. I worked really hard on my training and also on my horse. I just need that again.

Well you never know where life will take you, my life has gone many directions I never would have seen. So I will just do the best I can to be satisfied and happy where I am and see where it all goes next. Who knows maybe I will end up in that show ring again:)

Feels like a Ranch now:)

Well it feels like a ranch now. We got a horse on the property here:) His name is Diesel and he is super sweet. He is well ....we will call him our "foreign exchange horse" till we get some of our own bought:) He is the absentee ranch owners horse and he just came in off some of the farther pastures. He loves to follow us around already. He is really muddy in the pictures as he had just rolled, he must have known I was coming with the camera:)

Our wedding on dreams and lots and lots of prayers!!!

I can't believe it has been 4 months since we said I do. This is how I started my whole blogging. We didn't really have any friends or family that were supportive or wanted to help so I started blogging to share my experience so that others may not feel so lonesome that were in similar situations. And along the way I made some great friends and it was nice to have others to share our plans and struggles with. It made the process a lot funner. There were MANY struggles and a lot of tears, but we did it and together and we both know that we will be there for each other forever no matter what:) If you want to read on all our struggles and triumphs it is on my other blog http://acountrycowgirl.blogspot.com/. The whole process really made me appreciate the things that really matter and that the perfect wedding day doesn't mean the perfect marriage. I am lucky to have the most amazing husband and I will never take that for granted. Below are just some random pictures from our day:) Hope you enjoy them:)

Good Ole Bill couldn't miss the husker game!!!

A tour of our wedding site: High Plains Homestead

I can't say enough good about High plains homestead and my pictures don't do this amazing place justice. This is a small B&B outside crawford Nebraska, it is surrounded by badlands and is only about 8 miles from Toadstool National park. It is a really neat place that a family started and has continued to ad on to. They have taken old buildings and moved them in and made a small town. Then they built the bunkhouses that you can stay in, and all in different themes and yes we stayed in the cowboy room for our wedding. This was an awesome choice for our wedding spot and the owners were amazing!!! If you ever get a chance to visit and stay please do you won't regret it. The people are great, the food is awesome and the views are absolutely stunning. There website is http://www.highplainshomestead.com/ if you want to check it out:)

This is where we ate all our meals

This is the main walk area and where we had the reception

Eric having a sasparilla in the saloon:) Where our cake was till cutting time for the wedding!

Eric in the post office:)

eric in Jail. Preparing for marriage:) hee hee

This is where the ceremony will be held. With some rearrangin and decorating:)

Our room for the wedding weekend