When it is tough I quit blogging

I have gone back and forth about writing.  But this is more for me and no one really reads anyways so I decided to just write so I can look back and see where I am at and where I have been.  I always stop writing because life gets hard and no one wants to hear me complain, be negative, etc.  But the reality is my life has been hard and it isn't changing.  Maybe that is my fault and maybe someday I will change but seems like the more I change the worse it gets so to be honest I hit the I don't care anymore!! The just get up put on a fake smile and do what I have to do!  I don't have any expectations for life anymore!!!  I am in excruciating pain everyday, I'm nauseous and dizzy all the time, I have muscle spasms 90% of the time, brain fog is crippling, no feeling in my arms and my hands come and go.  My legs have started that more and more over the past 6 months.  But all the tests they want and treatments they think may help aren't covered by insurance and I have no income so it is what it is.  I have done all I can at this point and it is what it is.  So unless GOD does a miracle and heals me then it is what it is!  It has stolen all quality of life at this point! Everyone says stay positive, keep your chin up, do your best.  Well you try that while you feel like you have been run over by a truck EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE!!!! and for over 15 years.  NO BREAK! NO VACATION from pain, sickness.  NON STOP!!!!  I have not used pain meds very much. I usually make a 30 day supply last 8 months to a year.  I only take them when it gets to the point I haven't slept in days and I am throwing up from pain.  But now thanks to all those that abuse the medication I can't even get any.  They  never take away the pain anyways but they do take that top edge off so I can at least not throw up and maybe sleep a few hours.  But now that isn't even an option.  So on top of being sick and in pain you add not sleeping and then you wonder why someone gets to the point of hating life, being broken and just giving up!!!!!  Chronic illness is a life stealer that you cannot understand unless you live it!!!  Best way I can explain it is having the flu, a tooth ache, every bone in your body broken, etc but allllll at the same time!!! and there is NEVER a day you get a break from it.  You may have some symptoms go but then you have new ones that come.  I do wayyyyyy more than I am supposed to and I try to keep going as much as I can but my body is making less and less possible.  Its not like I can suck it up and push through the pain and sick.  I can't control the numbness and when things don't work, I can't control the dizziness or black outs.  So do what I can!  But at this point I AM WORTHLESS!!!   So all I can do now is put on the fake smile and hope GOD does a miracle.

GOD speaks

So Sunday GOD definitely confirmed my post and really spoke to me.  I will share the link to the service.  It was really awesome and anyone can relate!!  I am horrible at waiting.  Partly because I am human and we want what we want, but also I find I struggle with feeling like I am wasting life and that life is to short.  With all my health issues and a lot of them unanswered it makes me more aware that we never know how long we have in this life!!  I realize you can't live in fear but it is also smart to live life to the fullest as much as you can!  It is finding a healthy balance in those things that is hard for me!

I want to have a purpose, a plan, to feel like I am doing something with my life.  Right now I feel none of those things!  I am struggling in every area of my life so it is time for things to change.  Time for me to change.  Now I have no stinkin idea what that means or how to do it but I know it needs to be done!! So we will see what the LORD does!  I am going to try my best to do better and be better!!

I wish I hadn't have quit blogging.  I have gone through so many things over the past few years and I think it is a great way to understand someone and also to look back and see where you have grown and also where you are stagnant and where you need to break bad habits or feelings!  I am going to push myself to keep blogging.  I may even start doing some videos on the days my hands and brains aren't working very well!!  I think seeing someone in person, hearing their voice, etc really helps you to understand a person better than just words on a screen that can be misinterpreted.

If you have any questions for me please go ahead and ask, even if they are hard ones:)  I am sharing a link to the service below. 

Waiting

I HATE waiting!! I know, I know, patience!! I should say I don't hate the waiting.  I hate the not knowing!  I hate wondering! I hate not feeling like I am doing anything and wasting time and life!!!  We have been looking for a house for over a year, I had to apply for disability last may and still waiting on the appeal now, etc.  It is so hard to feel like I am going no where!  I hate wasting life.  It is already so short!!

I have always been a worker.  I have always liked physical labor.  I loved working on ranches, farms and with horses.  That is where my happiness, worth and confidence came from.  It also helped me to work through things and to also avoid things:/  I have always worked through sickness and pain.  I was tough!!!  Now.....not at all.  And I have no control over it.  I can't control the pain at all anymore, I have no feeling in my arms, they spasm all the time, I can't write well anymore and sometimes not at all and typing even as we speak I have to erase and one finger type a lot as my hands don't work right anymore and sometimes not at all.  My legs have started loosing feeling, strength and even use here and there more often.  It is very frustrating and scary to be honest.  I'm not even 40( I know close) but to have the brain issues, the body issues I do at this age is scary.  I can't function properly, and my doctors were the ones this past year that told me I have to apply for disability.  They have actually been telling me since 2015 but I have fought it.  But at this point I don't have a choice anymore.

This has been a fight of its own with me.  I struggle with the worthless, useless feelings and have even been doing counseling and classes for this as I hit a VERY dark place and needed to learn to deal with it.  It isn't going away so I have to learn to accept and deal with that.  Now that doesn't mean I am not going to keep trying to get better, to find answers, to reverse these issues. I am definitely not going to give up!!!  I keep researching and trying the things that I can and can afford.

I am praying the LORD will help us find that house soon so we can get out of town and also to give me something to concentrate on. something to keep me busy when i have the ability and to keep my mind busy on.  To feel like I am doing something.  Even though I do as much as I can now.  I have to take the boy to and from school, take care of him til dad gets home, take care of the house, cook, etc.  I can't do it all as well as I want and sometimes but I am doing the best I can.

Mostly just praying for GOD to show me my place in this world!! I don't want to be a waste of air and that is how I feel. I want to do something with my life.  But even more than that I want to do something GOD driven with my life.  I have had some big dreams of rescue animals and people but we shall see where GOD takes me!!! 

2019

Every year goes faster and faster!! I never could have seen my life going the way it has!  I want to see some big changes in me this year!  I need to change some things and there are some big decisions that will have to be made this year!!!  So I want to get back to blogging and be able to look back and see how far I have come.  Fear has kept me from doing that.

I want to reach out and find some new blogs to read and follow, I want to work more on processing the past, I want to learn to cope with my health, the pain and sickness in a more emotionally healthy way, I want to do more for others this year.  I want a happy, joyful life!