Blessed- Days 3-10

It has been a rough go lately with health issues:(  I am feeling very defeated and hopeless with all that is wrong in my body.  I am in excruciating pain daily, dizzy all the time, blurry vision has become prity regular now along with my hands and arms not working very well.  The list is ridiculously long.  I try to stay positive and keep fighting but I will be honest after SOOOOO many years it is getting harder and harder to do that.  So I think it is VERY important to try and concentrate on blessings and being thankful for what I do have.

I am blessed to have an awesome husband.  A husband that loves me unconditionally even though I cost him so much!!! He works his life away, helps as much as he can at home and holds me when I am crying in so much pain.  I imagine it is sooo hard to watch someone you love suffer so much and to miss out on a lot with that person because they are so physically messed up.  but he sticks there, he tells me I am beautiful even when my body is being destroyed, and he tells me anyday no matter what with me is good.  I AM SOOOOOOOOO BLESSED BY THAT!!!  He is my angel on earth!!







Yes that is my husband getting our christmas tree way way way on a hill!!!!













I am blessed to have fur kids that cuddle with me and check on me.  That make me smile with their silliness.

Picture from Halloween;)

I am blessed to get to do what I can with family and friends like helping move the elf on the shelf;) help decorate homes, trees and do Christmas crafts with the kids when I can.

I am blessed!!!  I am blessed!!!

Blessings Day 2- your worth it

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=10207971229548861&id=1541355437

This is an awesome video for everyone to see and listen to!  Love Chad Prather!  My husband tagged me in it today and left the comment your worth it to me!!! Yep the tears fell!

I have always struggled with self worth but it has gotten increasingly harder with my health getting so bad. It affects me in so many more ways than I thought possible.  Of course the physical part is hard,  but it also effects me emotionally, as I can't do as much as I need to do our want to do.  I feel like a burden,  I feel like I don't contribute enough,  and it had taken a toll on my skin,  hair,  weight and ravages my body. Causes horrible brain fog and neurological issues.   So I struggle.  But I am blessed to have a husband that loves me through it and thinks I am worth it!!! I am going to hold onto that! That is a huge blessing!

Praying for direction

We have been praying for direction in our life for sometime.  We are so very torn.  We love being close to family and friends but we also feel so out of place here.  We live outside of town and in a smaller town but it is still a lot of people compared to what we were use to in Colorado and on all the ranches.  We feel like part of us is lost and our  heart is yearning for that!  So we are trying to figure out what we should do and where we should go.  We keep praying.  Honestly if it weren't for my old retired horse we would have probably moved back to South Dakota last year.  I just don't want to move her that far again and I don't think she would do well with those harsh conditions at her ripe old age of 28.  But we both feel like being here has made us people we really don't want to be.  It is hard when your heart wants two different things.  So for now we just keep pray, pray, praying:)

We are enjoying the time we have with friends and family and I am really enjoying my job with the horses.  I feel blessed to work around horses all day and to have a boss that is so caring and understanding of my health issues.  So for now we are just going to concentrate on those things and see where the LORD leads!!

Fun little side not Duke wanted show off his new winter hat;)

Blessings

For few years I have done the daily thankfulls on Facebook and last year I started I am blessed... In December.  I thought that would be a great way to do more on my blog.  A daily I am blessed!  I want to blog more and keep in touch with fellow bloggers more.

Day 1- I am blessed by blogging!  I have met a lot of really awesome people through blogging and learned lots.  I have been inspired by people, helped me to feel not alone,  to read so many amazing things and see so many awesome photos!  Blogging has blessed me in so many more ways than I could have ever known!

Make a difference even in a small way this season!!!

http://www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org/ranch-life/2016-cpyr-calendar-order-form/

It is time again for the yearly ordering of the Crystal Peaks youth ranch calendars. If you are not familiar with this organization you need to check out their website.  It is an amazing place that does amazing things.  They have been through so much and have helped so many.  The calendars are free, they just ask for a donation.  This is a great chance to help out an awesome place.  You can make a difference even in small ways.  Every little bit helps out!!!

To see how this place changed my life see the following post.

http://aranchlifeondreamsandprayers.blogspot.com/2012/06/day-15-shakin-faith.html

Some random work pictures for fun:)

Sheiklani wearing one of the custom halters made here at the farm

Some of the farm chickens:)  We have turkeys to.

Jamas our resident llama:)      Mario one of the young goats

Baby fluff:) Sheikara

And one of my favorite yearlings Heart of Karat AKA Frankie:) 

I am blessed to work on such a great farm!!!

Christmas in the country

Sooooooo soooooo excited for this.  I have been waiting to heat this would be h happening again this year:) Soooooo thankful to the women that put this together.  It is a really fun way to interact with fellow bloggers:) check out link below for information on how to participate:)

http://unchartedrhoade.blogspot.com/2015/11/christmas-in-country-2015.html

Happy late halloween!

I am late posting. I hope everyone had a safe and happy Halloween. Aside from it being horribly wet outside, we had a great Halloween here. Our group dressed up as an Alice in Wonderland theme. I had a lot of fun making my Mad Hatter costume.

Lovin the fall

I am loving the cooler weather, prity colors and pumpkin everything:) I just love this time of year.  I love the warm(not hot) days and cool nights.  It is a great time of the year.

We have been busy  busy lately.  We are trying to get a home loan.  Yes we are officially trying to get our own home and finding a place to truly call home.  It is going to take a miracle to get a good loan and find a place in our price range.  Oregon is CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY out of control on housing prices.  But miracles happen everyday right?!?!?!?:)  so we should know if we qualify in next couple weeks.

Even more exciting right now is My sister in-law is coming to visit:)  She will be here Thursday.  We have not seen her since we moved away 8 years ago.  8 years....toooooooo long!!!!  So we are trying to get house all ready and we are trying to get all plans made.  We have a ton of fun planned for her.  show her what Oregon has to offer:)  Just sooo darn excited if you can't tell:)

On the hard.  Our golden retriever Bear had to gran mal seizures couple weeks ago:( SUPER SUPER sad.  We took him to vet and did everything but MRI and all was well.  He has been good since so we are praying just a random thing or he got something we didn't know about.  Love our old man.  So we just keep praying for him stay healthy and happy.

Hope y'all having an awesome fall so far!!!

This Darn Brain

The most frustrating about all my health issues is my brain issues.  I have a horrible brain fog all the time, my memory is non-existent, and I get confused and lost A LOT!!! It is not only frustrating but scary and embarrassing:(
  I can remember a minute later if I take my medicine, I can't remember if I fed the pets, etc.  So I have to write EVERYTHING down and I have a calendar to check off when I give pets meds and me meds.  I have notes EVERYWHERE!!
  It is scary when I can't remember those things, or when I can't remember peoples names and I don't mean someone I have met a few times but people in my immediate family, when I can't remember where I am going, when I pass the road to work I take everyday and don't notice for 10 minutes.
  It is embarrassing that I know what I want to say and can't get it to come out, or know a more professional way of saying or writing something and it won't come out:(

The more I read on Lymes the scarier it is.  These things I am facing can be severely debilitating and deadly:(  I am living a VERY limited life at this point and don't want to do that anymore but even more than that I want to live a long life and grow old with m husband.  I want to beat all this.  I want to put these diseases into remission.  Even better than that I want to see a cure for these HORRIBLE, CRIPPLING, LIFE STEALING DISEASES!!!

I have been diagnoses with Hashimotos, SIBO, MTHFR, Tualremia, and probability of lymes.  One of these diseases alone is overwhelming and hard to beat.  but all of them is VERY overwhelming and scary. I am on sooooooo many antibiotics, supplements, probiotics, etc.  It is all hard to deal with.

 I am trying to be strong, and positive but I will be honest as y'all know from the past years it is hard.  But when you are in physical pain all day everyday, when you are dizzy, nauseousness, etc y;all know how hard that would be.  But even more with this comes anxiety, depression and worry, worry, worry.  I am fighting, fighting, fighting!!!  I am researching, learning and doing the best I can.  This is something I want to beat!!! something I want to help others beat!!  I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!! I want to be the best person I can, the best wife I can, the best friend and relative I can and I know I can't be that when I am this sick!

Thank you to all of those who pray, and send me notes to check up on me.  It MEANS MORE than y'all could ever know!!!

Seizures SUCK!!!

So last Wednesday night I was laying on the couch and our golden Bear was laying on the other couch.  All the sudden he woke up and had a severe grand mal seizure:(  He has never had one before:(  It broke my heart to see him have that violent seizure.  I just talked to him calm, made the room quiet and put all the other animals out of the room.  It lasted about 4-5 minutes but then it took him about 2 hours to be completely back mentally.  We took him into the vet and did xrays and blood work and they didn't find anything out of the ordinary.  but with him being 10 years old it could be likely to have a brain lesion or brain tumor:(  But to find that out would be MRI or CT and would be few thousand dollars. It may just be a random thing and it may be epilepsy:( But again yesterday AM he had another:(  It was only about 2 1/2 minutes so at least it was shorter but it still very violent and it makes his whole body soooo sore:(
  We are sooooo broken about this.  We want to do what is best for him.  We are not ready to be without our Bear:(  I know they can live with Epilepsy but it is just the not knowing for sure what is causing them:( We just can't afford the neurologists for a few thousand dollars:( Between me and Bear we are a health mess:(  We are praying for them to stop and we are hoping it could be a random thing, or as vet said he may have a blood clot that breakin loose.  But just praying for him.  We want him to be happy and healthy and will do as much as we possibly can!
  So we would appreciate ANY prayers that y'all could send our way!  We need prayers for health in this house!  For Bear to be better.  He is only 10 and other than the seizures he is in amazing health.  Thank you for all thoughts and prayers, we appreciate it more than you could ever know!!!

Bear napping with his daddy at the lake!

Eric has had Bear since before we were together.  This is our baby but this is his Best Friend!

A Fun Project

I hated our current tv stand as it didn't match our decor, and it was incredibly hard to keep clean with all my animals:)  I wanted something with character and something we could redo our own way:)  We still need to make the drawer pulls but it is mostly done.  Here is the before and afters:)

It is prity old.  The lady we bought it from said it was her great grandmas.  So we love that it has some history:)

It is a little darker than it looks in pictured.  And since we didn't use the top drawer my husband is so cute he wants to use the drawer front and make a cute sign or something to give back to the lady we bought the stand from so she still has something from her great grandmas dresser:)

Lots of catching up to do!!!

I haven't given up on the blog I promise.  I have just been battling my health HORRIBLY and with it has come SEVERE brain fog and my motor skills are not the best for typing so I have been putting it off:(  But I miss it and miss keeping up on everyone elses lives.  I want to get going on it again but it will have to be in short, sporadic bursts!  I just have to do a little as I can.  I am finding myself very frustrated and overwhelmed with the health stuff.  But trying to have a little fun here and there when I can.   I will try and post some pictures and back stories of some of our summer adventures soon.

I have finally gotten insurance as of April and we are working with quite a few doctors to try and get my health and quality of life better.  We have gone through some nightmare doctors and luckily now seem to have a good one.  It is just hard with the health care so flooded with us sickly people:(  I am seeing a functional medicine doctor and she has been working with me on my Hashimotos.  But she is trying to find the root cause of the hashis.  So in all of our digging she believes it may have come from Lymes disease so we are doing a lot of testing for that.  But in the digging I was told last week that I have Tularemia again:(  I almost died from it in 2005.  It is rare and they had a hard time figuring out what was wrong with me:( But once you are cured from it you aren't suppose to be able to get it again as it is like having a vaccine:(  So now I will be headed to the science university to treat it and figure out how I contracted it again or if it somehow was dormant:(  It is a very very horrible disease:(  So for now I am on a lot of antibiotics which with my body make me extremely ill:(  But I am just praying, trying to stay as positive as possible and reminding myself live every day as full as I can.

Well I will try and catch up on some posts soon:)

Life

I know I don't keep up on here much anymore.  As I have struggled with in the past I just want to keep things positive and not be negative on here all the time. But in reality that isn't always possible and is not being transparent. Life has its ups and downs and some of them last a while.

  My favorite blogs are from people who are so transparent, open and share all of what life shows them and teaches them.  That is how I wanna be.  I have learned so much from others in the good and the bad they share.  I have learned form there thankfulness, gratefulness, challenges, etc.  I hope in some way I can help others like that.  I know we are not alone in struggles in this world.  I know there is always someone going through more and worse.  There is always something to be grateful for.   But it s good to be able to write the good, the bad and all experiences.  It helps to be able to go back and see growth, patterns, etc.  It also helps when fellow bloggers offer love, suggestions and such.

 It has been a rough go since November with all the crud my bio dad coming back has brought up.  The rifts it has caused in our family.  The very very horrible memories it has brought up from the past.  This man has done horrific things not only to me but others.  That is hard to deal with to be honest.  I am so broken hearted for all he has done to others.  I know it isn't my doing and his actions are his but it breaks my heart that others have to go through the hurt and pain that I had to go with and have had to live with my whole life.  The only thing I can control is me and my reaction and what I allow in my life.  So I have had to make tough choices on some friends and family that I allow in my life. It is hard and sad but I am finding that it is the right choice.  I need to value myself and my well being a lot more than I have.

  I will try and right more often.  To share the good, the fun and the hard.  I love reading everyone's blogs and I love hearing from others. Thanks for all that take the time to read my blog:)

Need to Catch up

I haven't even had time to catch up on home stuff since returning from Arizona and have severely neglected my blog:(  I had a great time in Arizona at the show.  It was A LOT of hard work but it was a great time.  Who wouldn't love to work around all those amazing horses:)  Got to meet lots of people from lots of places.  Love watching all the horses doing so many different disciplines.  I love how versatile the Arabians are.  And of course who doesn't love warm and sunny weather:)

We got home a week and a half ago but we are changing barn staff at work so it has been a lot of interviewing and work to get caught up from being gone.  But it is nice to have a few extra hours for income:)  That I do like:)  We have been getting pictures and videos done of new filly and few others we have to market.  Lots of things to do on the farm:)

I am working on trying to get some reading done on y'alls blogs to:)  I am sorry  I am so distracted and don't keep up enough.

Hitting the Road Finally

Well we will be leaving the farm at 4am tomorrow.  We have had a lot going on at the farm and are leaving a few days late.  We will be heading down to southern california to drop a horse off and then across to Scottsdale for the big Arabian Show.  I am soooooooooooo excited to see all the horses.  We will be there with Q Nine selling presentation sets and halter stuff.  It is going to be a lot of work but a lot of fun at the same time. We will be gone almost 3 weeks so I am going to miss my handsome and all my critters tons. The dogs will be going to work with Eric during the day so that will be fun for them:)  Well if any of you are attending the Scottsdale Arabian Show stop by the Q nine booth at Wendell arena and say hello:)

Little over a week

In little over a week I will be hitting the road for Scottsdale Arizona.  I will be going down to work. We are going to have booth at the Scottsdale Arabian Horse Show. We will have one filly being shown in the show and we will have a foal being born sometime while we are down there that we will get to see:)  It is going to be a lot of work but it is going to be a GREAT time:)  We will be driving down with a horse so we we will stop over in California and then keep going next day.  The show runs 2 weeks.  We will get there and set up before the show and then take down when it ends have one day off and then head home.  So lots to do!!
  I am just trying to get all settled here at home for my husband and get all the critters stuff ready for while I am gone and then trying get all set at the farm for while we are gone.  I know I will have a great time but it is stressful preparing!
  I can't wait to see all the horses, meet lots of new people and I am excited to see some friends that have recently moved down there:)  I can't wait to share pictures and stories from the trip:)

Stuck

I just feel stuck.  I feel stuck in my life and I really don't know how to get unstuck.  I think my 4 wheel drive is broken:(  I am praying and just taking some time to really think on some things. On my health, my career, etc.  I have been working out with family at a local studio 4-5 times a week.  It feels good to be active in my brain for sure but my arms are making it VERY difficult to say the least:(  But I am just pushing on and will see what happens. I am definitely tired of being obese and want to get healthy. I want to feel good in my own skin, in my clothes. I want to feel good inside an out.  So I am trying to do the best I can.  I have always been super competitive and I tend to push supper hard so I am fighting myself not to overdo it and not to bash myself because I can't do enough. So trying to find balance.
 I am trying to make a decision whether to say at my current job or not.  There is a lot going on there and I feel like I could do more else where.  I feel like I could do better financially and performance wise some where else.  But I do love the horses and I do love some of the people I work with.  I love the farm dearly!  But I am just not sure it is the right fit for me.  I will keep praying and  thinking on it.
  We are trying to decide on if we want to make Oregon permanent or not.  I don't think it will be.  We are both tired of moving but I don't want to just stay because I don't want to move.  I want to live where "home" is.  Where we are happy, healthy and living life to its fullest.  I don't believe that is Oregon. To be honest I think it sucks the life out.  It is a beautiful state and lots to offer but I would like a slower paced life, less people and definitely less outside drama from family and such. Honestly the only thing holding me here is my old horse.  I don't want to uproot her again with her anxiety issues and move her to more severe climates.  But I am starting think we need to look at options of moving and finding a good place for her wherever we go.  She is old but she could live a lot more years possibly to:)  I hope so:)  Love that ole girl!!
   I want to get back to being excited about life.  Get back to loving all the simple things.  To appreciating every little thing this world has to offer.  I am trying to remember gratitude and attitude go a long ways:)  I just want to quit being STUCK!

Family Secrets

Well I wrote on this a little bit back in November before Thanksgiving but I wanted to do a little update as this is something that has affected my life in a big way.  My bio dad had come back into the picture after 20 years of no one hearing from him and after almost 30 years of not being in my life at all except one letter when I was 14 and then him stalking at times.  He is a VERY VERY VERY bad person and a very dangerous person.  He beat my mom badly, he threatened to kill her, he cheated, he stole, and on and on and on.  So NOT a good person.  I am actually thankful he stayed gone for so long and sadly wish he had continued that.  He is very manipulative and can lie his way into a lot of things.
   My grandparents and aunt bought his I have changed, I have repented BS hook line and sinker.  It has caused a huge rift between all of us:(  He told them he came here because he wanted family and wanted to be "home" again.  Well I did some research of my own and that isn't the truth at all:(  I can't go into all the details but it is really bad and I am just shocked and horrified to say the least:( I knew in my gut he didn't have good intentions and I am sorry but someone with pure Evil in his heart can't change that.  That man is EVIL!
  I am broken hearted that it destroyed the relationship with me and my grandparents but we all make our choices and they have made theirs:(  I know it is their son and I am sure it hurts deeply to not have had him in their lives, but they choose that because of how horrible he was, the lying he did, how dangerous he was.  But they seem to forget all that:(  I just don't know how they think it is ok for him to just walk back in our lives and he had told them not to even tell us kids they were in contact.  I don't know how they thought that was ok and then I find out I have a half sister.  She is VERY young and she doesn't even know about me and my brother:(  How could he keep that from her?  And my grandparents think that is all ok.  They say we are called to forgive and they are going to forgive and walk in love.  Ok I get we are called to forgive and I will forgive but that does not mean we have to allow that person into our lives and it sure doesn't mean we don't proceed with caution with people that have a habit of doing bad things over and over and over for over 50 years.
   I know its very vague but there is a lot I just can't talk about and really it is stuff people shouldn't have to think about or go through.  I am just trying to process everything and move on.  I will not let him consume my life and everyone makes their choices and so I will accept them and move on.
   I want to concentrate on a better, happier, healthier me in 2015:)

Busy at the Barn

Now that the holidays are over we start getting things busier again at work.  We are trying to get everything ready for the big Scottsdale Arabian show in February.  I will be going down there for 3 weeks.  We will be working at the show and we will have a filly showing at the show.  Along with that trying to manage the farm from afar.  So there is a lot to be done in preparation.  Not only at the farm but at home.  So I am busy, busy, busy.

I am excited to be going down to work at one of the best shows in the country and to see all the amazing arabian horses this world has to offer.  It is the 60th anniversary so it should be an amazing show.   I am excited to see how our filly does.  She is for sale so hoping we get her sold down there also:) 

It is so great to get to work in the horse industry.  I miss getting to actually ride and work with the horses more like I did before but I do the best I can with all my health issues and am just blessed to be around them all day and get to help where I can.  I love all our horses and takes A LOT of pride in my job and the farm.  

Hoping 2015 brings great opportunities not only for me but for the farm to;)  I will try and get a new camera before Scottsdale so I can share pictures and updates from there:)

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I can't wait to see how this book turns out!!!

Perhaps a Romantic Comedy??? :)