A life forever altered

I have always been strong, I have always been tough, I have always had high pain tolerance, I have always been hopeful and so much more.  But when I got sick with Tularemia in 2005 my life was altered.  I almost lost my life to that battle.  They couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, I was a pin cushion a science experiment and was told that I probably would die.  The LORD was with me for sure because by science they said I should have been dead.  There was no explanation for me living through that.  But I did. By the grace of GOD I did.  But since that I have never been the same. Debilitating fatigue, nausea, dizziness, blackouts, muscle fatigue, crippling joint and phantom pain.  I could go on and on.  I searched for answers and was told since they didn't know what the lasting effects of the Tularemia clinically would be I would just have to live with it and hopefully it would get better with time.  Well it didn't:(  It got worse and worse and worse.  I then got a goiter and the doctor then diagnosed me with hypothyroidism.  So I did pill treatments but didn't get better.  More pain, gained 72lbs in 3 months:(  My hair was falling out by the handful, I was a mess.  I felt like death and to be honest I wondered if I would die.  Finally a specialist said he would take out my thyroid.  It was simple they take it out I pop a pill everyday and life would be grand.....WELL THEY LIED!!!! I did have it taken out and the surgery didn't go well, came out of surgery and was moved with no meds from a screw up in OR, my calcium levels crashed and I was wobbly and weak and shaky.  A week later I got the call.  The doctor had told me before surgery you are young, this is routine be easy.  Well this call changed it all he said you have Hashimotos disease.  I didn't know what that was but he said since we took out your thyroid it doesn't matter( ANOTHER LIFE ALTERING LIE!!!!) But what came next was a shock not only to the doctor but us, they found cancer.  What??  Seriously how much can a person take?  They said I should do the radiation Iodine to make sure all the tissue was taken care of.  So we did.  Not fun.  Well that was in 2008.  Here is 2014 and I am still a mess,  I am still miserable.  I haven't been normal:(  I am sick day in and day out.  I suffer so many horrible things and then on top of that you ad having both my bicep tendons tore and repaired on that and it is prity unbearable most of the time.  I can't even describe the pain most of the time.  I just lay in my bed and tears stream down my face for hours on end.  No pain meds touch the pain:(  I can't work much and what I do work wipes me out!  I smile and try and keep going when inside I am struggling and hurting.  I have always been a go getter.  I have always pushed through pain, but this pain, these problems I physically can't do it.  I can't make my hands work when they don't want to, I can't lift more than a couple pounds, I can't hold a pencil sometimes, it is crazy!! 

It would be different if I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.  If there was a treatment and a cure.  It would be different if I could still do what I love even if I was in pain, It would be different if it didn't affect me in every way.  I feel so guilty that I can't work full time and help provide for our life, I feel so guilty I can't rough house and play with my nieces and nephews.  I feel so guilty that I am not able to participate in everything.  

This isn't something that will end for me.  There is no cure.  This does spread into other diseases, This affects every bit of my life.  This has crippled us financially and I have not been able to get the help I need.  They are concerned the cancer is back as am I:( But that doesn't make the insurance affordable or the doctors see you.  So for now I am scared, I am sad, I am in pain, I am miserable.   But I pray and I do the best that I can.  I try to be hopeful and I try to keep going.  I try to remember to be thankful.  I try to enjoy every moment that I can because I am scared it could all be over any minute.  

I know this is sad and I know I sound so unhappy but I wanted to be real.  I wanted to share my story, my struggle.  I know I am not alone in this.  I know others have their battles.  I just always want to be open and honest.  

YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

So starbucks pumpkin cream cheese muffins are my favorite but kind of expensive and a lot of times they are out of them when I stop for those occasional treats.  Not to menchin I am suppose to be gluten free so I found a recipe for them and can alter it to gluten free flour:)  Can you say ECSTATIC!!!!!!!!  So had to take a picture of finished product and they were D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S!!!!

Get away

I am sure everyone goes through that time they just want to get away!!  I would love to get away.  Of course Yellowstone would be amazing, or grand canyon or something cool like that but really don't care where:)  Sometimes you just want to go and do something different and be somewhere different.  I wish my arms were better and I felt better I would volunteer to do a working vacation on a ranch, farm or something like that.  Just see something different, get my mind going a different direction.
  My handsomes new job is going well so far and he likes it so far.  Praying it is the one.  He does work long hours though.  Has been 12 hour days 6 days a week so far.  We need the hours now to make up for all that was lost to the last job so it is ok for now but I miss him and leaves me to much time just to sit and think.  To wonder, and ponder.  Which usually leads to wishing I could see different places.
   Once we get things under control we will get to look into insurance finally:)  Praying for a good affordable plan.  I need to have the ultrasounds to check and make sure the cancer has not returned and to get more tests to figure out the muscle fatigue and weakness.  Get my body going right direction.  That will be awesome.  Just need to find the right doctors that are versed in Hashimotos Disease and dealing with auto immune disorders.
   So for now I just day dream of visiting amazing places:)  Excited to see Fall starting to set in.  Makes me miss the aspens of Colorado though! But just love, love, love this season.