Finding a purpose

I have struggled with this prity much all my life!  Finding my purpose.  I have NO idea what it is.  I have struggled deeply the past years with feeling like a waste of air and like I have no use or purpose.   I fight those thoughts daily and there have been dark moments.  I don't say this looking for help, attention or trying to be a victim.  I say this to be open, honest and to help others who hide those same feelings and thoughts because if they say them out loud they will be put down, labeled or berated for being an attention seeker, a victim, weak, etc.  (Then we wonder why people don't ask for help:( )  If this just helps one other person and they know they are not alone that is all that matters.

I have been through hell and back more than I can say.  There are so many things I have never talked about and so many things I probably never will online.  I know I am not alone in this.  But I was always strong and just pushed on, fight, keep positive and keep going.  But that NEVER works forever.  It takes a toll even when you don't want to admit it! It wears you down, it haunts you, it steals the real you!!!  But most of all what I never knew is that it would physically destroy me!  I always relied on my body to get me through.  To work more than one job, to show everyone physically I could do more than most, etc.  But now I can barely shower some days, I can't feel my arms anymore, I can't remember where I am supposed to be going sometimes when I am driving!  It is scary, frustrating and life altering.  I clearly have some major medical issues but my doctor and therapist or telling me the "PTSD" is making it worse, that is hindering any healing I may be able to accomplish:(  I realized I had been changed, I realized the terrifying experiences I have had in my life have definitely made me react differently and experience things differently, but I had told myself I was dealing with it just fine!! Well my body is telling me NO NO NO your not:(

This is a hard realization!  But I can't ignore it and I am digging in. It is hard, it is scary and I don't want to but I am going to.  I want my life back!  I want a life to be honest.  I want to know what safe feels like, I want to know what my purpose is, I want GOD to show me where he wants me!!! I am taking an abuse recovery class at church, personal counseling, and our church series is amazing.  So it is a lot all at once.  But LORD help me!!!  I'm trying!!! I don't want the Devil to win!!!! 

Everything around me is a mess!! I'm a mess!! I know life is messy!! But I can try and clean some of it up.  At least my part! Praying for guidance, change, health, peace and happiness.  Praying GOD will show me where he wants to use me for his good in this life!!

Not good at relationships

I am not good at relationships.  I dive in with my whole heart and give everything I have.  I let people take advantage, I let people hurt me, and I don't know how to deal with them well.  I don't know how to deal with rejection, hurt, or betrayal.  So I find myself pulling away and then I go away completely. I am a soft hearted person and that is both a blessing and a curse.  I just want to learn to have healthy relationships and to live life in a healthy way.  To have a good heart but also protect it without being bitter or resentful.

My divorce was the hardest thing I have been through:(  I didn't want it!  I never in a million years thought we wouldn't make it all the way!  Yes we had our issues, yes we had our fights, but I thought we would figure it out, I thought we were dedicated to each other, and I thought we were that couple that would make it all the way:(  So my world was wrecked and my heart broken beyond words! I felt completely worthless, unloved, unworthy, and COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY alone:(  He was all I had.  I had built my whole world around him.  I would have done anything for him.  But I was just to much for him, and in that same breath not enough for him:(  Honestly my heart is still hurt and broken from it and I am not sure that it will ever totally heal from it!

I know my health has most to do with it as it kept me from being able to work as much as he needed me to and to be able to do as much as I needed and wanted.  I truly try my hardest but it isn't enough!  So I struggle deeply with worthlessness, hopelessness and just worry.  I worry all my relationships will end because of it.  Because I am sick, hurting, worthless, mentally messed up, scared and have let myself become someone I don't recognize and don't want to be but the harder I try to be a better person the worse it becomes and the more I don't like me.  I use to be strong, never cry, just pull up the boot straps and keep going, but over the past 10 years that has gone away and now I am a mess.  A mess I don't even like so I don't understand why anyone else would either.  I have been going to counseling for over a year, I have gotten back into church, I have reached out to trusted friends in those dark moments I was wanting to make some life ending choices but I still feel buried and stuck:(  Trapped in a body that hurts soooooooooooooooo badly and is so sick with a mind and heart that wants to go, do, give back, make a difference.  But I still try and I am going to keep trying.  I will do the little things I can do. 

Dating after the divorce was soooooooooooooooo not fun! I will write on that sometime.  Lies, users, games, etc.  It was such a bad bad bad experience.  I hope to not have to do that again.  I did meet BF though:)  He is kind, sweet, and tries to help me in every way he can.  I am blessed for him.  But I struggle with it to. I am soooooooooooo scared to get hurt, used, abandoned, etc.  I have been VERY open with him on these struggles and I will continue to be.  I have learned that I am me and I have to be me and be open and if it is meant to be it will workout otherwise its ok.  Forcing things does not work, trying to change for another person does not work, so I am trying to let go and trust GOD.  I know I can't trust my judgement after 2 divorces and all the friends and such I have let into my life that have done major damage.  Also I know I have some huge scars and issues that make it hard for me to make the right decisions and I know that is something I am working on.  I know I am almost 40 and have completely failed at life!!! I have learned not to judge others even more.  I never have been super judgmental but I am even more aware now as I would love more than anything to be a different version of me and have a different life and I will continue to try for that but for now I am me and I have to accept all my failures and to take responsibility for my poor choices. 

I am spending a lot of time in prayer and trying to stay positive and be grateful for all the good things I do have and for even the smallest of blessings.  I want to get back to that bubbly, happy, outgoing girl.  The one who always has a smile!!! I want to be a better girlfriend, friend, family member, etc.  I want to be the best me I can be!!!  I don't want my past to dictate my future or damage me further.  But I don't want to ignore it, make excuses for it or act like it didn't happen either.  That won't help for sure!!!  Life is a lesson all the way through I think!

up in the air

I think life is ALWAYS up in the air!!!  I never know what is going to happen next or where life is going to take me.  I'm trying to learn to accept that.  I use to be really good about that and up for whatever adventure comes next but with my health issues I am finding that is really hard!!  Being in constant pain really wears you down.  I can't remember a day of not being in pain or sick.  It has taken everything from me....my health, my personality, dreams, goals, friends, family, a marriage, etc.  I try to keep fighting and keep a positive attitude but this has been going on prity much my whole life but really bad the past 15 years.  Imagine having the flu, vertigo, not sleeping, tooth ache, and pain worse than broken bones every single day for 15 years.  ITS A LOT!!!!!!!!! I try to be tough, but honestly I can't.  It has worn me down.  I have gone to two new specialists and see another next week.  They all feel so bad that there isn't more clear answers but with my health history they don't know exactly what is going on.  They don't know what the long term effects of the Tularemia are and the lyme is still a lot of learning on top of the auto immune, mthfr and SIBO.  I have to be VERY careful with my diet which has been a bigger challenge since I live with the BF and his son.  But I am making better changes. 

I know I need to catch up on so much from past couple years.  There has been so much.  But just since I posted a short updated in January a lot has happened.  I left my job at the farm:(  It was a VERY VERY VERY HARD and HEARTBREAKING decision but it was the right one.  It was Toxic and not a good environment.  I was blessed a few other employees actually left with me.  It was nice to have support and love in it.  I moved in with my current BF.  He is so kind, supportive and loving.  So now I live with him, his 10 year old son and our critters.  He has a german shephard and then this summer we added a kitten. Meet Miss Tala:

crashed out! Camping!

yes she has a crab shell on her head:) 
Beach camping

Kitty Caps are the best for scratching!
and they are cute:)

and then BF got me a puppy!!  Meet mr Tikanni

 

He is the cutest thing ever!! Super smart but we are still working on potty training and sleeping through the night. It is like having a baby.  We live in town(YES IN TOWN:( ) so we can't let him scream or cry it out like i would have done with my other pups.  So we are doing best we can.  He is 11 1/2 weeks now.  He is a BIG boy!  He is a Giant Alaskan Malamute.  I love him soooooooooooooo much!! The only hard thing is not being able to have him be raised around his big brother Duke!  That is a huge hole in my heart:( And an update all its own.  

Eric and I don't speak anymore:(  It breaks my heart:( I never wanted to get divorced much less not even be friends.  We did fine after everything but his new wife didn't like us talking and being friends so we don't anymore:(  It hurts and is hard but the hardest part is that means I don't get to see Duke.  I know people say he is just a dog.  He wasn't just that to me.  He was my baby, my world, I love him more than words can say and not being with him hurts me daily.  It really stinks that people have to be selfish, insecure, unhappy and cause issues where there doesn't have to be any.  So I pray daily that something will change and hope the LORD works it out to see Duke again.

Had a HUGE heartbreak and loss in March this year.  We had to make the heart breaking decision to put Bear down.  He started having seizures a few years back and we got them controlled for a long while but they came back last fall and increased in frequency and he had 3 in one day so we decided it was no longer fair to his old body:(  He was the sweetest, silliest Golden ever!!! Life hasn't been the same without him.  He is forever in my heart!!!

I have so many things going on, things to catch you up on.  I need to do it more as I find writing is therapeutic.  I have to go get ready for another doctor appt.  Those take up a lot of my days.  I am just praying this year will be the year that I get some answers, some relief, the year I can look back on and say everything changed for the better after hard times.  I know I am far from perfect and have made A LOT of mistakes.  But I try my best, I do the best I can.  I do know this is teaching me daily to be more understanding, more compassionate, try not to judge, and to understand you can't just pull up your big girl panties and push through all the time!!! 

WOW it has been A LONG LONG WHILE!!!

It has been so long since I have been on our wrote a blog.  I had taken a break and then so much in life happened!! I loved blogging on one hand and I loved the people I met and talked with through blogging but then on the other hand I have a hard time when people aren't exactly nice.  Or when they misunderstand me.  I felt like I needed to take a break but then life happened as it always does and I found myself coming here to write and then being afraid to be judged.  I realize when you put things out there and especially to strangers you are opening yourself up for that.  I need to work on how that affects me and then I had to remind myself of the good it brought to me also. Also it is a great way to look back and see where I have been and how far I have come. 

I know I have SOOOOO MUCH to work on and I am trying.  I'm not perfect, won't pretend to be and will continue to try and be better.  But I know I am a good person, I want what is best for others, would not purposely hurt anyone and try to live my life the most authentic and best that I can!

I will try and do some catching up in the weeks to come but in the gist of it all there has been SOOO many huge, life altering things to happen.  I'm still battling my chronic illness, I am still working on the same arabian farm(which I love), Eric and I are not together anymore( A heartbreak deeper than I can even put into words yet), I lost my longest companion(my 29 year old horse shar), my boys(by boys I mean dogs) live with their dad and new wife(yes he is already remarried:( ) I live on the farm I work on which I love, I am back in the dating world(that is a whole crazy thing in itself).  So as you can see a lot has changed in almost two years!!!