I know I have disappeared but it has been as I am sure for everyone a very crazy busy summer!! We have gone on a few trips and I have spent time with friends and family. I have had a rough summer with problems from my hashimotos disease and my arms so I am trying to learn to balance it all. So it has been a growing summer also. But it has been a summer of deep reflection also. Being here in Oregon has changed a lot for me and helped me to work through somethings. Not fix things but work through them. I think the hardest thing in life is to realize not all things can or will be fixed but it is coming to peace with them not being or being able to. That is so hard for me. I don't like to give up on people and I don't like people to think bad of me. It has been a huge burden in my life and something I know I will continue to struggle with. I have learned this summer a lot about letting people go that don't deserve to be in my life, I have learned a little more that I can't help what others think(that one still deeply hurts), I have learned that life isn't going to ever be how you think it should be(I mean I knew that but I need to be ok with that). I have learned that trying to be everything everyone else thinks or wants will never work for anyone and that it is ok not to be. I don't want to be a cold, uncaring, hard person but I also don't want to be door mat and sad all the time. It is learning that balance.
It has been hard for me being back in Oregon not only with a lot of rain most of the year but with family and friends. I don't like drama, gossip and backstabbing and unfortunately my family and some friend circles are full of it. I don't want to be that or like that. I knew that before coming here but you always hope it would be different and you are always sad when you miss out on things but in the end I think it was healthier and better when I just visited. But I will say I wouldn't trade this time as I think growing up we get ideas in our head from the view we seen and talking with family more deeply this year has help me to see where I was wrong in things I thought and that my family had WAY more problems than I ever knew. It is sad to find a lot of these things out, but it also released me in a way of thinking I didn't measure up or that I needed to impress them. I always wanted that loving, supportive, kind, family but in reality that is not my family. They are hurt, sad, bitter, resentful and that hurts. I will continue to pray and I will change what I can in how I am but in the end we can't change others. Just sad to see it:(
I have also very much realized I don't fit in and this is not the life style. I don't like busy, busy, rush, rush, traffic, lines, etc. I like a slower paced life with kind people around. We are both praying on what we should do next so we shall see what the next adventure brings:) But for now I am just trying to learn and grow.
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