Been a while since I wrote an update

I have found myself avoiding writing on my blog and especially about personal stuff as it has opened me up to some heartbreak.  But then I realized I am missing out on a lot of good people also.  My number of readers has dropped significantly due to some of it but hey I started this as a way to just share my life.  Wether it good, bad, joy, sadness, etc.  I want to continue that.  I want to look back and read how far we have come.  It has been a rough few years and has still continued to be but hey that is how we all grow and learn.  I have definitely learned to be more compassionate and FAR less judgmental.  It is easy to look at someones life and say well they did this or they did that or if they did this or that.  But truth is we don't always know the whole story and not everyone is as capable as others of everything.  So it has really taught me a lot.
   We have had a rough couple of weeks.  Loosing Kohanna was a VERY VERY HARD and sad thing.  My heart is still broken and my house seems so empty without him.  I remember all the good times but it is still hard to not have him here.  I also had another injection in my neck that did not work this time and caused more pain:(  Next will be to see a neurosurgeon to see if we need to operate on my spinal cord:( Yikes really don't like that idea.  But we have to do what we have to do I guess.  And Eric's job had been a mess.  Never knowing what hours he was going to work, never knowing if he was going to have work, disrespect, guys getting so drunk they were picking fights or trying to crawl in bed with him(yes funny now but not at the time:)) He gave his two weeks.  He is going to have surgery Thursday for the pain from his hernia surgery and after that he will be back to looking for work.  I know he will find something quickly but it is still so stressful but so was always worrying about if he would have a job or enough hours or some drunken idiot was going to get him hurt.  So lots going on as you can see.  I TRUST GOD has it all in his hands and plans so we will see what comes about!

He left paw prints on my heart!!!

We had to say goodbye to our Kohanna yesterday afternoon:(  My heart is broken into a million pieces:(  He was my baby and I loved him with a love that is indescribable.  We do not have kids and so he was my kid.  I got him at 5 weeks old and had him for 12 years.  I got him when I was 20 so an entire decade of my life and starting on another.  I will miss him soooooooooooooooooooo VERY MUCH!!! I didn't even want to get out of bed this am because I knew he wouldn't be there to say good morning.  I know I am lucky to have had such an amazing long time with him.  But it doesn't matter like Eric said you always want just one more day!  

  I know he will be waiting at our ranch in the sky with our other beloved family members that have passed on.  But my heart aches for missing him and all of them now.  Thank you Kohanna for an amazing 12 years.  For your love, your silliness, for always making me laugh and talking back even if it made me mad at the moment.  You were loved by so many and made so many laugh.  You will always be very very very close in my thoughts and you will stay in my heart everyday!! You went through sooooo very much with me and I thank you for always making me laugh and for letting me fill your beautiful fur with many tears.  You were a truly amazing boy and I miss you like crazy!!!

Kohanna about 6 weeks old.  The tipis was his fist home and his favorite for sure. 

Got Milk Mom?

Of course his favorite weather!! Snow!!

This is my good side:)  

Forever in My heart!!!

Kohanna Yoda Chewbacca 

July 21 2000 to July 25 2012

My poor baby not doing very well:(

So my old dog Kohanna.  He turned 12 on saturday.  I have had him since he was 5 weeks old.  He is the coolest dog.  He is sweet, funny, mouthy and a model baby:)  But this last year been prity rough to him.  He got Giardia last year this time and then January he was diagnosed with Heartworm:(  and he also has low thyroid.  But really even through it all he been a trooper and prity spirited.   But his low thryoid has caused a problem where the flap that closes off when they eat or drink to keep stuff from getting into their lungs doesn't work right and sometimes it sticks and that means he can't breathe:(  He has done fine just maybe a little coughing some but Saturday it didn't open back up.  He was panicked and falling all over and then fell unconscious while I was trying to help him.  I ran and got a plastic spoon and gently pushed down in his throat and got it opened back up thank the LORD and he came around.  But he just not himself.  And he keeps having small episodes with the breathing.  So now comes the hard decision:(  I just don't want that to happen and again and not be able to get his throat back open. He deserves a better end than that:(  So praying and spending as much time as I can with my baby!!!

picture of the day-Needed craft

I was going crazy with my earrings all tangled and not fitting in my jewlery box so I borrowed and idea from my friend Sarah from Between the fence posts. It works great and is cute to:)

Doctor update

So since the nerve block relieved some of the issues for a couple days they want to try it again at least once and maybe twice to see if it will last longer.  Then if that doesn't work we will have to see a neurologist.  But at least it finally gave us an answer on the issue. It is the cysts on my spinal cord causing the issue.  Good to find out why but bad that it involves my spinal cord:(  So I have my next injection on the 30th and then we will go from there.
  As far as the spots seen on my ribs and kidney we are working on trying to get on the US high risk plan so that I can get the CT scans done to see what it is.  With my history of cancer they are really worried about it and want it done asap.  So we working at it!  That cancer haunts you everyday for the rest of your life:(  It is something that you always wonder when or if it will come back.  I know you can't let it run your life, but you can't ignore it either.  So hopefully soon we can get the CT scans done.

picture of the day-Rifle Airshow 2012

The airshow they put on here at the airport is really awesome and free!!  They had some really good acts this year but we had a bad storm kick up all the sudden and caused a ruckus so they cancelled the evening and night show:(  But they will do it again tomorrow as long as the weather holds up!  I am not tired, very painful and the sun beat me up prity good.  But it was good to get out:)

Denver broncos caravan was there and this is their mascot Miles in the plane!

This team was amazing!!!

The B-17 is awesome.  Wish I was rich enough to take a ride in it.  Rides are$425-$625 for 20 min. YIKES!!! But if I was rich it would sooooooooo worth it:)

Picture of the day- Mountains by us

picture of the day-Be Strong and Courageous

This is big to me!!! This is my biggest struggle right now.  I have always been tough and strong but these past few years life has really brought me to my knees and changed me:(  It has changed me in a way I don't like.  I am a wimp, my faith is wavering, I fell abandoned, Unloved, and I am falling short all the time.  I don't like that.  But I think GOD is breaking me for a reason and man is he breaking me.  My spirit, my body, my emotions, etc are broken beyond what I can even describe.  The sadness and despair is sooooooooooo deep.  I hate it!! I fight it, I pray and yet no hope no relief.  GOD has a plan and I just need to trust that!!! 

I thought I would share a few pictures below of when I did feel Strong and Courageous!!

 

Working elk at the Elk Ranch.  I always felt strong, capable, needed, appreciated.  

Living in the Yurt- I felt strong, capable, adventurous!

showing- I felt accomplished, talented, physically fit

Working on Ranches-Tough, Brave, Accomplished, Physically fit, capable!

Living in the Tipi-Brave, smart, adventurous, capable, healthy!!!

 

picture of the day- Evening sunset

Picture of the day- Back to online games for bonding

Since Eric is back in North Dakota this is our way to bond:)  Games on the internet with each other:)  It does help:) And I will add for Eric sake he did kick my butt today in battleship.  

Picture of the day-Changing the way I look at life

I have been fighting depression and negativity for quite sometime now.  I know it will continue to be a struggle but I want to try better to fight it and not let it win.  I want to be that strong, courageous, outgoing, bubbly, fun loving, adventurous, strong in faith woman I use to be.  I want that back!!!  

 It has been hard for me being alone so much and for being injured an not being able to do anything "useful".  I want to have my life back.  I know all to well that life is to short and I am lucky to be here today and I don't want to waste the second chances GOD has given me.  I have let myself and others beat me down for to long.  

I am lost though.  I don't know what to do.  I know I want to do things differently.  I just don't know how!  I am not good at anything and not talented.  Now I am not trying to be whinny or self deprecating.  It is true.  I really don't have anything that I am good at or talented in.  I have things I love and am passionate about but I just don't know what to do with that.  I don't want to be poor all my life, I don't want to be unhealthy all my life, I don't want to be lonely all my life.  So now I pray and pray and pray that GOD will show me what he has for my life:)  

I am going to work better at fighting off the sadness and feeling of being worthless!  I thought I should think of the things that make me smile!!

1.My husband that loves me even when I am FAR from perfect

2.  My pets that make me laugh, smile, and keep me company:)

3. My true friends-the ones that know me and love me anyway:)

4.  That I am here.  I shouldn't be alive today and I am so there is a reason:)

5. Books-They give me time to just relax and daydream for a while

Eric heading back to North Dakota

Well Eric is headed back to North Dakota after working here for 10 days.  I will miss him like crazy.  I know a lot of people can't work with their spouse or can't spend a lot of time together.  But we can.  I am blessed that way.  My husband is my best friend and we love every minute together.  I am not saying we can't go without each other we just really like each other:)  It is especially hard when I don't have any friends or family close. I have never been anywhere very long without making friends but this state I have to say as beautiful as it is, is not a very friendly state:(  And having my injury and not being able to work I am sure has not helped with my social life.
  We are trying to get some things settled so we know where we will be living.  We are aiming towards south dakota right now.  As we truly loved it there, it is affordable, and we have friends there.  It is also only a few hours drive when Eric has his time off from North Dakota. But we shall see what happens in next couple months.
   Hope everyone had a great 4th of July!  It didn't seem like the 4th here.  We didn't do anything and there were no fireworks anywhere around us.  I also must say with all the crap going on in our country it was the first year I wasn't feeling very patriotic.  I feel as though things aren't looking very good for our country and what it originally stood for.  I keep praying and will try and do my part.  I love this country and want to see it get better!

Nerve Blocks

Well I had my nerve blocks done in my neck yesterday.  It did relieve some of the pain and numbness so that is great.  But it did make other things sore from the needle.  It will get worse again for a few days and then the steroid should kick in and help again.  I see my doctor next Thursday so hopefully this at least the answer to where we need to do more looking.  I think he is going to want me to see the neurologist next.  We believe it is the cysts on my spinal cord causing the issues.  That is not the answer I wanted, but at least it is in an answer.

Day 27-A great sunday

I know I missed two days but really there has been nothing going on. But today we had a great day.  We started out the morning going mini golfing and playing ski-ball.  It was a lot of fun but my arms not working well really makes it hard.  Then we went to the lake for some fishing and swimming since it was soooooooooo hot.   It was a great day with my husband!! I have my nerve blocks tomorrow so if you don't hear from me for a few days it is because I am recovering.

This course was a lot of fun.  And nice and shady for the hot day that it was even at 9:30 am

Ski-ball rocks.  We won all kinds of cheap fun kids stuff:)  Like the good ole days!!!