I have started a grief class. Not a someone died grief class, but life grief class!! It is for learning how to grieve losses in life. Losses like: loss of relationships, lost childhood. loss of innocence, loss of freedom, etc. It is a VERY hard class. But it is good. But also bringing up even more than I knew. I have been so deeply hurt in life and had some horrific things happen and obviously I haven't dealt with them or learned how to. I thought just putting on a smile and being "tough" was the answer but I am finding out in every way that is NOT the answer. It is destroying me! I am a mess emotionally and physically:( I need to learn how to actually heal and move on. Which I am not sure how to do.
I am FAR from perfect for sure. But I have never done anything to deserve a lot of the really bad things that have happened. I know, I know stop playing the victim! I am soooooo tired of hearing that. Not for me only but for so many. People that have been through hard things should be able to feel bad, feel hurt, feel angry, feel violated, expect justice. But NO we make them feel like they are weak, like they complain to much, etc. We make them feel worse in an already hard hurtful time! Just because we don't understand or think we could have done it better doesn't make someones else pain unreasonable or wrong.
I don't want to feel like this!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE UNHAPPY, FRUSTRATED, SAD, ANGRY, HURT, ETC!!!!!!!!! I DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But just saying I don't and trying to be positive doesn't work!!! I am trying to claw my way out of the depths. To see a way to keep going, to honestly see a reason to keep going. At this point the only reason I stick around is to not disappoint GOD. I don't see a reason to be here. I am worthless and a waste of air. I am in more pain than I can bear EVERY single day, I am dizzy, nauseous, exhausted, muscles spasms, etc. I can't hardly function and hard to take care of myself physically. I push through and keep trying my hardest but my body won't do it no matter what my brain tells it!! I can't work, I can't think straight some days, I can't keep everything up around the house. So at this point it is a VERY DARK AND DEEP hole that I am not sure how to get out of.
I will be 39 in a couple weeks. I am 39 and have no job, no career, no husband, no children and no real connection in this world. I am worried that since the divorce I am permanently broken. When Eric gave up on me that was the most heart breaking thing I have ever had to endure. I would go through anything again besides that. He was the one person in the world I thought would never give up on me:( He walked away without a second thought and had another woman living in our house within 6 months:( My heart shattered and I am not sure it will ever be the same again. He was my everything! I loved him more deeply than I thought possible! Now I find I can't feel that feeling with anyone or anything! I love my current boyfriend but I find myself holding back. I feel like if Eric could give up on me after all he watched me go through and all we went through together that no one can love me. Not the forever kind of love at least! My medical issue are TOOOOO MUCH!!! To expensive and to hard!!! I lost the love of my life and I have not let myself really truly feel it completely or dealt with it. It is to much:( So hopefully this class helps me to start to heal. To show me the ways to let the LORD heal me. To learn to truly forgive and to heal!
I just want to find a purpose and peace in this world. I am trying even in my sadness and hurt to do better and be better.
Wednesday, March 6, 2019
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
When it is tough I quit blogging
I have gone back and forth about writing. But this is more for me and no one really reads anyways so I decided to just write so I can look back and see where I am at and where I have been. I always stop writing because life gets hard and no one wants to hear me complain, be negative, etc. But the reality is my life has been hard and it isn't changing. Maybe that is my fault and maybe someday I will change but seems like the more I change the worse it gets so to be honest I hit the I don't care anymore!! The just get up put on a fake smile and do what I have to do! I don't have any expectations for life anymore!!! I am in excruciating pain everyday, I'm nauseous and dizzy all the time, I have muscle spasms 90% of the time, brain fog is crippling, no feeling in my arms and my hands come and go. My legs have started that more and more over the past 6 months. But all the tests they want and treatments they think may help aren't covered by insurance and I have no income so it is what it is. I have done all I can at this point and it is what it is. So unless GOD does a miracle and heals me then it is what it is! It has stolen all quality of life at this point! Everyone says stay positive, keep your chin up, do your best. Well you try that while you feel like you have been run over by a truck EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE!!!! and for over 15 years. NO BREAK! NO VACATION from pain, sickness. NON STOP!!!! I have not used pain meds very much. I usually make a 30 day supply last 8 months to a year. I only take them when it gets to the point I haven't slept in days and I am throwing up from pain. But now thanks to all those that abuse the medication I can't even get any. They never take away the pain anyways but they do take that top edge off so I can at least not throw up and maybe sleep a few hours. But now that isn't even an option. So on top of being sick and in pain you add not sleeping and then you wonder why someone gets to the point of hating life, being broken and just giving up!!!!! Chronic illness is a life stealer that you cannot understand unless you live it!!! Best way I can explain it is having the flu, a tooth ache, every bone in your body broken, etc but allllll at the same time!!! and there is NEVER a day you get a break from it. You may have some symptoms go but then you have new ones that come. I do wayyyyyy more than I am supposed to and I try to keep going as much as I can but my body is making less and less possible. Its not like I can suck it up and push through the pain and sick. I can't control the numbness and when things don't work, I can't control the dizziness or black outs. So do what I can! But at this point I AM WORTHLESS!!! So all I can do now is put on the fake smile and hope GOD does a miracle.
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
GOD speaks
So Sunday GOD definitely confirmed my post and really spoke to me. I will share the link to the service. It was really awesome and anyone can relate!! I am horrible at waiting. Partly because I am human and we want what we want, but also I find I struggle with feeling like I am wasting life and that life is to short. With all my health issues and a lot of them unanswered it makes me more aware that we never know how long we have in this life!! I realize you can't live in fear but it is also smart to live life to the fullest as much as you can! It is finding a healthy balance in those things that is hard for me!
I want to have a purpose, a plan, to feel like I am doing something with my life. Right now I feel none of those things! I am struggling in every area of my life so it is time for things to change. Time for me to change. Now I have no stinkin idea what that means or how to do it but I know it needs to be done!! So we will see what the LORD does! I am going to try my best to do better and be better!!
I wish I hadn't have quit blogging. I have gone through so many things over the past few years and I think it is a great way to understand someone and also to look back and see where you have grown and also where you are stagnant and where you need to break bad habits or feelings! I am going to push myself to keep blogging. I may even start doing some videos on the days my hands and brains aren't working very well!! I think seeing someone in person, hearing their voice, etc really helps you to understand a person better than just words on a screen that can be misinterpreted.
If you have any questions for me please go ahead and ask, even if they are hard ones:) I am sharing a link to the service below.
I want to have a purpose, a plan, to feel like I am doing something with my life. Right now I feel none of those things! I am struggling in every area of my life so it is time for things to change. Time for me to change. Now I have no stinkin idea what that means or how to do it but I know it needs to be done!! So we will see what the LORD does! I am going to try my best to do better and be better!!
I wish I hadn't have quit blogging. I have gone through so many things over the past few years and I think it is a great way to understand someone and also to look back and see where you have grown and also where you are stagnant and where you need to break bad habits or feelings! I am going to push myself to keep blogging. I may even start doing some videos on the days my hands and brains aren't working very well!! I think seeing someone in person, hearing their voice, etc really helps you to understand a person better than just words on a screen that can be misinterpreted.
If you have any questions for me please go ahead and ask, even if they are hard ones:) I am sharing a link to the service below.
Friday, January 11, 2019
Waiting
I HATE waiting!! I know, I know, patience!! I should say I don't hate the waiting. I hate the not knowing! I hate wondering! I hate not feeling like I am doing anything and wasting time and life!!! We have been looking for a house for over a year, I had to apply for disability last may and still waiting on the appeal now, etc. It is so hard to feel like I am going no where! I hate wasting life. It is already so short!!
I have always been a worker. I have always liked physical labor. I loved working on ranches, farms and with horses. That is where my happiness, worth and confidence came from. It also helped me to work through things and to also avoid things:/ I have always worked through sickness and pain. I was tough!!! Now.....not at all. And I have no control over it. I can't control the pain at all anymore, I have no feeling in my arms, they spasm all the time, I can't write well anymore and sometimes not at all and typing even as we speak I have to erase and one finger type a lot as my hands don't work right anymore and sometimes not at all. My legs have started loosing feeling, strength and even use here and there more often. It is very frustrating and scary to be honest. I'm not even 40( I know close) but to have the brain issues, the body issues I do at this age is scary. I can't function properly, and my doctors were the ones this past year that told me I have to apply for disability. They have actually been telling me since 2015 but I have fought it. But at this point I don't have a choice anymore.
This has been a fight of its own with me. I struggle with the worthless, useless feelings and have even been doing counseling and classes for this as I hit a VERY dark place and needed to learn to deal with it. It isn't going away so I have to learn to accept and deal with that. Now that doesn't mean I am not going to keep trying to get better, to find answers, to reverse these issues. I am definitely not going to give up!!! I keep researching and trying the things that I can and can afford.
I am praying the LORD will help us find that house soon so we can get out of town and also to give me something to concentrate on. something to keep me busy when i have the ability and to keep my mind busy on. To feel like I am doing something. Even though I do as much as I can now. I have to take the boy to and from school, take care of him til dad gets home, take care of the house, cook, etc. I can't do it all as well as I want and sometimes but I am doing the best I can.
Mostly just praying for GOD to show me my place in this world!! I don't want to be a waste of air and that is how I feel. I want to do something with my life. But even more than that I want to do something GOD driven with my life. I have had some big dreams of rescue animals and people but we shall see where GOD takes me!!!
I have always been a worker. I have always liked physical labor. I loved working on ranches, farms and with horses. That is where my happiness, worth and confidence came from. It also helped me to work through things and to also avoid things:/ I have always worked through sickness and pain. I was tough!!! Now.....not at all. And I have no control over it. I can't control the pain at all anymore, I have no feeling in my arms, they spasm all the time, I can't write well anymore and sometimes not at all and typing even as we speak I have to erase and one finger type a lot as my hands don't work right anymore and sometimes not at all. My legs have started loosing feeling, strength and even use here and there more often. It is very frustrating and scary to be honest. I'm not even 40( I know close) but to have the brain issues, the body issues I do at this age is scary. I can't function properly, and my doctors were the ones this past year that told me I have to apply for disability. They have actually been telling me since 2015 but I have fought it. But at this point I don't have a choice anymore.
This has been a fight of its own with me. I struggle with the worthless, useless feelings and have even been doing counseling and classes for this as I hit a VERY dark place and needed to learn to deal with it. It isn't going away so I have to learn to accept and deal with that. Now that doesn't mean I am not going to keep trying to get better, to find answers, to reverse these issues. I am definitely not going to give up!!! I keep researching and trying the things that I can and can afford.
I am praying the LORD will help us find that house soon so we can get out of town and also to give me something to concentrate on. something to keep me busy when i have the ability and to keep my mind busy on. To feel like I am doing something. Even though I do as much as I can now. I have to take the boy to and from school, take care of him til dad gets home, take care of the house, cook, etc. I can't do it all as well as I want and sometimes but I am doing the best I can.
Mostly just praying for GOD to show me my place in this world!! I don't want to be a waste of air and that is how I feel. I want to do something with my life. But even more than that I want to do something GOD driven with my life. I have had some big dreams of rescue animals and people but we shall see where GOD takes me!!!
Friday, January 4, 2019
2019
Every year goes faster and faster!! I never could have seen my life going the way it has! I want to see some big changes in me this year! I need to change some things and there are some big decisions that will have to be made this year!!! So I want to get back to blogging and be able to look back and see how far I have come. Fear has kept me from doing that.
I want to reach out and find some new blogs to read and follow, I want to work more on processing the past, I want to learn to cope with my health, the pain and sickness in a more emotionally healthy way, I want to do more for others this year. I want a happy, joyful life!
I want to reach out and find some new blogs to read and follow, I want to work more on processing the past, I want to learn to cope with my health, the pain and sickness in a more emotionally healthy way, I want to do more for others this year. I want a happy, joyful life!
Tuesday, October 16, 2018
Finding a purpose
I have struggled with this prity much all my life! Finding my purpose. I have NO idea what it is. I have struggled deeply the past years with feeling like a waste of air and like I have no use or purpose. I fight those thoughts daily and there have been dark moments. I don't say this looking for help, attention or trying to be a victim. I say this to be open, honest and to help others who hide those same feelings and thoughts because if they say them out loud they will be put down, labeled or berated for being an attention seeker, a victim, weak, etc. (Then we wonder why people don't ask for help:( ) If this just helps one other person and they know they are not alone that is all that matters.
I have been through hell and back more than I can say. There are so many things I have never talked about and so many things I probably never will online. I know I am not alone in this. But I was always strong and just pushed on, fight, keep positive and keep going. But that NEVER works forever. It takes a toll even when you don't want to admit it! It wears you down, it haunts you, it steals the real you!!! But most of all what I never knew is that it would physically destroy me! I always relied on my body to get me through. To work more than one job, to show everyone physically I could do more than most, etc. But now I can barely shower some days, I can't feel my arms anymore, I can't remember where I am supposed to be going sometimes when I am driving! It is scary, frustrating and life altering. I clearly have some major medical issues but my doctor and therapist or telling me the "PTSD" is making it worse, that is hindering any healing I may be able to accomplish:( I realized I had been changed, I realized the terrifying experiences I have had in my life have definitely made me react differently and experience things differently, but I had told myself I was dealing with it just fine!! Well my body is telling me NO NO NO your not:(
This is a hard realization! But I can't ignore it and I am digging in. It is hard, it is scary and I don't want to but I am going to. I want my life back! I want a life to be honest. I want to know what safe feels like, I want to know what my purpose is, I want GOD to show me where he wants me!!! I am taking an abuse recovery class at church, personal counseling, and our church series is amazing. So it is a lot all at once. But LORD help me!!! I'm trying!!! I don't want the Devil to win!!!!
Everything around me is a mess!! I'm a mess!! I know life is messy!! But I can try and clean some of it up. At least my part! Praying for guidance, change, health, peace and happiness. Praying GOD will show me where he wants to use me for his good in this life!!
I have been through hell and back more than I can say. There are so many things I have never talked about and so many things I probably never will online. I know I am not alone in this. But I was always strong and just pushed on, fight, keep positive and keep going. But that NEVER works forever. It takes a toll even when you don't want to admit it! It wears you down, it haunts you, it steals the real you!!! But most of all what I never knew is that it would physically destroy me! I always relied on my body to get me through. To work more than one job, to show everyone physically I could do more than most, etc. But now I can barely shower some days, I can't feel my arms anymore, I can't remember where I am supposed to be going sometimes when I am driving! It is scary, frustrating and life altering. I clearly have some major medical issues but my doctor and therapist or telling me the "PTSD" is making it worse, that is hindering any healing I may be able to accomplish:( I realized I had been changed, I realized the terrifying experiences I have had in my life have definitely made me react differently and experience things differently, but I had told myself I was dealing with it just fine!! Well my body is telling me NO NO NO your not:(
This is a hard realization! But I can't ignore it and I am digging in. It is hard, it is scary and I don't want to but I am going to. I want my life back! I want a life to be honest. I want to know what safe feels like, I want to know what my purpose is, I want GOD to show me where he wants me!!! I am taking an abuse recovery class at church, personal counseling, and our church series is amazing. So it is a lot all at once. But LORD help me!!! I'm trying!!! I don't want the Devil to win!!!!
Everything around me is a mess!! I'm a mess!! I know life is messy!! But I can try and clean some of it up. At least my part! Praying for guidance, change, health, peace and happiness. Praying GOD will show me where he wants to use me for his good in this life!!
Thursday, August 23, 2018
Not good at relationships
I am not good at relationships. I dive in with my whole heart and give everything I have. I let people take advantage, I let people hurt me, and I don't know how to deal with them well. I don't know how to deal with rejection, hurt, or betrayal. So I find myself pulling away and then I go away completely. I am a soft hearted person and that is both a blessing and a curse. I just want to learn to have healthy relationships and to live life in a healthy way. To have a good heart but also protect it without being bitter or resentful.
My divorce was the hardest thing I have been through:( I didn't want it! I never in a million years thought we wouldn't make it all the way! Yes we had our issues, yes we had our fights, but I thought we would figure it out, I thought we were dedicated to each other, and I thought we were that couple that would make it all the way:( So my world was wrecked and my heart broken beyond words! I felt completely worthless, unloved, unworthy, and COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY alone:( He was all I had. I had built my whole world around him. I would have done anything for him. But I was just to much for him, and in that same breath not enough for him:( Honestly my heart is still hurt and broken from it and I am not sure that it will ever totally heal from it!
I know my health has most to do with it as it kept me from being able to work as much as he needed me to and to be able to do as much as I needed and wanted. I truly try my hardest but it isn't enough! So I struggle deeply with worthlessness, hopelessness and just worry. I worry all my relationships will end because of it. Because I am sick, hurting, worthless, mentally messed up, scared and have let myself become someone I don't recognize and don't want to be but the harder I try to be a better person the worse it becomes and the more I don't like me. I use to be strong, never cry, just pull up the boot straps and keep going, but over the past 10 years that has gone away and now I am a mess. A mess I don't even like so I don't understand why anyone else would either. I have been going to counseling for over a year, I have gotten back into church, I have reached out to trusted friends in those dark moments I was wanting to make some life ending choices but I still feel buried and stuck:( Trapped in a body that hurts soooooooooooooooo badly and is so sick with a mind and heart that wants to go, do, give back, make a difference. But I still try and I am going to keep trying. I will do the little things I can do.
Dating after the divorce was soooooooooooooooo not fun! I will write on that sometime. Lies, users, games, etc. It was such a bad bad bad experience. I hope to not have to do that again. I did meet BF though:) He is kind, sweet, and tries to help me in every way he can. I am blessed for him. But I struggle with it to. I am soooooooooooo scared to get hurt, used, abandoned, etc. I have been VERY open with him on these struggles and I will continue to be. I have learned that I am me and I have to be me and be open and if it is meant to be it will workout otherwise its ok. Forcing things does not work, trying to change for another person does not work, so I am trying to let go and trust GOD. I know I can't trust my judgement after 2 divorces and all the friends and such I have let into my life that have done major damage. Also I know I have some huge scars and issues that make it hard for me to make the right decisions and I know that is something I am working on. I know I am almost 40 and have completely failed at life!!! I have learned not to judge others even more. I never have been super judgmental but I am even more aware now as I would love more than anything to be a different version of me and have a different life and I will continue to try for that but for now I am me and I have to accept all my failures and to take responsibility for my poor choices.
I am spending a lot of time in prayer and trying to stay positive and be grateful for all the good things I do have and for even the smallest of blessings. I want to get back to that bubbly, happy, outgoing girl. The one who always has a smile!!! I want to be a better girlfriend, friend, family member, etc. I want to be the best me I can be!!! I don't want my past to dictate my future or damage me further. But I don't want to ignore it, make excuses for it or act like it didn't happen either. That won't help for sure!!! Life is a lesson all the way through I think!
My divorce was the hardest thing I have been through:( I didn't want it! I never in a million years thought we wouldn't make it all the way! Yes we had our issues, yes we had our fights, but I thought we would figure it out, I thought we were dedicated to each other, and I thought we were that couple that would make it all the way:( So my world was wrecked and my heart broken beyond words! I felt completely worthless, unloved, unworthy, and COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY alone:( He was all I had. I had built my whole world around him. I would have done anything for him. But I was just to much for him, and in that same breath not enough for him:( Honestly my heart is still hurt and broken from it and I am not sure that it will ever totally heal from it!
I know my health has most to do with it as it kept me from being able to work as much as he needed me to and to be able to do as much as I needed and wanted. I truly try my hardest but it isn't enough! So I struggle deeply with worthlessness, hopelessness and just worry. I worry all my relationships will end because of it. Because I am sick, hurting, worthless, mentally messed up, scared and have let myself become someone I don't recognize and don't want to be but the harder I try to be a better person the worse it becomes and the more I don't like me. I use to be strong, never cry, just pull up the boot straps and keep going, but over the past 10 years that has gone away and now I am a mess. A mess I don't even like so I don't understand why anyone else would either. I have been going to counseling for over a year, I have gotten back into church, I have reached out to trusted friends in those dark moments I was wanting to make some life ending choices but I still feel buried and stuck:( Trapped in a body that hurts soooooooooooooooo badly and is so sick with a mind and heart that wants to go, do, give back, make a difference. But I still try and I am going to keep trying. I will do the little things I can do.
Dating after the divorce was soooooooooooooooo not fun! I will write on that sometime. Lies, users, games, etc. It was such a bad bad bad experience. I hope to not have to do that again. I did meet BF though:) He is kind, sweet, and tries to help me in every way he can. I am blessed for him. But I struggle with it to. I am soooooooooooo scared to get hurt, used, abandoned, etc. I have been VERY open with him on these struggles and I will continue to be. I have learned that I am me and I have to be me and be open and if it is meant to be it will workout otherwise its ok. Forcing things does not work, trying to change for another person does not work, so I am trying to let go and trust GOD. I know I can't trust my judgement after 2 divorces and all the friends and such I have let into my life that have done major damage. Also I know I have some huge scars and issues that make it hard for me to make the right decisions and I know that is something I am working on. I know I am almost 40 and have completely failed at life!!! I have learned not to judge others even more. I never have been super judgmental but I am even more aware now as I would love more than anything to be a different version of me and have a different life and I will continue to try for that but for now I am me and I have to accept all my failures and to take responsibility for my poor choices.
I am spending a lot of time in prayer and trying to stay positive and be grateful for all the good things I do have and for even the smallest of blessings. I want to get back to that bubbly, happy, outgoing girl. The one who always has a smile!!! I want to be a better girlfriend, friend, family member, etc. I want to be the best me I can be!!! I don't want my past to dictate my future or damage me further. But I don't want to ignore it, make excuses for it or act like it didn't happen either. That won't help for sure!!! Life is a lesson all the way through I think!
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