Fun day trip to Moab

So Sunday we decided to take a day trip to moab.  We only live about 3 hrs away and I have never been so we thought it would be a good way to remember this years memorial day weekend and have some time together before Eric has to leave for North Dakota next Monday.  It was an awesome place.  We went to arches national park and around town.  We will definitely have to go again as we didn't get to see nearly all we wanted, but it was such a great time to just spend together.

Hwy 128 on our way to Moab

 Eric being silly:)

 He said now he can tell everyone he found me under a rock somewhere:)

Heading to North Dakota

So my husband will be heading to North Dakota on the 4th.  They don't have their man camps finished yet but they got them camp trailers for now.  For now the plan is two weeks there and two weeks here but we are think we might go to a 3 week there and 1 week here if we can.  It is going to be hard being away from each other, but we have done it before and can do it again.  There just isn't enough work here anymore and other jobs don't pay enough for the rent and such here.  So this is what we have to do for now.  Eric is worried about leaving me here alone with my health issues and such but it will better us in the end.  He is a very hard worker.
   We kind of plan to either move me back to South Dakota or Oregon so I can be closer to some friends or family.  Here we don't know anyone so if anything comes up and I need help I won't have it.  I am still only aloud 5lbs for lifting so it is going to be a challenge as it is.
   We shall see what the next few months bring!

Meet a new blogger...my husband:)

So my husband decided last night that he wanted a blog to:)  He wanted to keep in touch with some of my blogging buddies and share a little here and there.  I am not sure how much he will be able to blog but it may get interesting with North Dakota coming up for work.:)
  He is a great guy.  He does love to joke and he is prity blunt.  So it will be fun to see what he writes about:) You can go over and say hello to him at  http://imridinforthebrand.blogspot.com/

I have combined my blogs!

I had two blogs and it was to much to keep up with.  I will just have this one and then the wedding one that I don't use but is the first blog I did.  So if you see a post twice I am sorry:(  Tried to figure out the whole import thing:)

Fun with older ranch pictures:)

I scanned in a bunch of old photos and had some fun with some from when I lived on a Ranch in Kelly Wyoming just outside Jackson hole.  I LOVED this place.  It was stunning.  We had to bring the horses in and out every night after the kids were done.  And then we would move the long horns when needed.  It was awesome.  So here are few pics that I played with.  Kind of fun:)

And yes that is me like way way smaller and younger:)  These pics are 11 years old.  Gosh time flies!

Well not the answers we had hoped for

So I had my MRI and Nerve study yesterday.  I will just say I hate being shocked more than anything in the world and that is what they do.  They shock your nerves to see the response and then they stick needles in you to see the "electricity" running through your nerves and muscles.  I did that for 2 hrs.  The nurse said she hadn't seen one have to be done for that long.  It made my arm hurt so bad.  Which of course they said was not normal.  Then it went into and intense nerve pain and I had to have a shot of Toridol and they put me on some prity severe nerve pain meds.  Those on their own are torture.   But anyways...They still don't know what is causing all the stuff in my left arm.  The shocking showed my left arm super sensitive and my right arm not registering enough.  But the needle therapy showed issues with nerves that go to my hand.  So now the next step is a bone scan.

On to the next thing and the thing that  really got me.  They found what they think is a cyst by my disk in my neck.  They think it may be what is making me dizzy and having the balance issues.  He said I would have to see a neurologist about that.  I then asked if there was a possibility that it could be cancerous.  He said it was always a possibility.  I then told him I had thyroid cancer a couple years ago.  He became very concerned then and said we need to take care of it right away:(  So the next thing they want to do is another MRI with contrast to see if it is really a cyst or tumor and a better idea of the size.  So at least this injury hasn't been for nothing again it caused me to have to have the MRI on my neck that I probably wouldn't have had till things were a lot worse for me.  So now we are trying to figure out how we can do all this with no insurance.

I have also pinpointed a big thing as far as why my depression is probably so severe.  I mean life has really continued to kick me in the teeth and that is a lot.  But prity much every medication I am taking says can cause severe depression and suicidal tendencies.  WOW fun!!!  But I think now that I am more aware of it I will be able to control some of it some.  So sorry y'all have gotten to know me on the negative end.  Hopefully this journey will lead to a happy ending.  And positive fun posts!!!

Hiding from Depression

I have been really trying to hide from the depression.   Running, running, running...trying not to let it catch me.  I want to be happy, healthy, bubbly and positive but I just can't!  Some would say you need medication.  NO I need to work on life.  I need to feel like I am doing something, like I am making a difference.  I want to feel like I have a purpose here.  I have had big dreams of helping others and animals and now I just feel it is to big and impossible and that breaks me.  I just feel like I am here just using up air.  That is not at all what I want to feel.  I trust GOD and know he has a plan.  I just don't trust me and hearing him right.  I just want to be the best person I can be and I know that isn't me now.  I hear you just got to do it!, you just got to pull up your big panties and go on, etc. etc.  That is the worst advice and very hurtful and now I know when others feel like I do that it won't be helpful.  Because if I could do it I WOULD DO IT!!!!! I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY!!! I am sure the LORD has a lesson in it all but I hurt so deep.  I want to be out there making a difference in this world.
   I know my injury and not being able to use my arms has been a huge issue.  It forces me to be idle A LOT and then I sit and stir.  There were a lot of things I had thought I had gotten over in life but really I had just busied myself enough to not think of them.  I feel hurt by a lot of people and I really don't know how to let it go.  It doesn't obviously hurt them and so it is only affecting me.  I feel hurt and rejected by so many family and friends. I feel angry that I don't matter enough to people that I think I should.  I know I live far away but still there is a phone, internet, etc.  And some get frustrated with me that I don't move back but we just can't afford it.  Some has been our choice in life and a lot has really just crushed us.  They say if you want it to happen you could make it happen.  And this comes from people who in the 8 years or more total I have lived out of state have NEVER come to visit me.  I understand the ones that truly can't afford it but there the ones that can and just don't so that really makes me feel unimportant! I know you are probably thinking quit feeling sorry for yourself and just get over it.  I would love to! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS!!!
   I just wish I knew how to set it all at the feet of Jesus and walk away.  I WANT TO SOOOOO BAD!!!! I want to be happy again, I want to be positive.  I just feel like I have taken all I can take and I know there is still more to come.  We are up in the air with jobs and health and everything so I am OVERWHELMED.
    I hate writing these negative, bitching entries but this is my life right now.  I started this blog to be able to look back and see how things grow and change.  Right now is a low point.  I cry ALL the time and am very hurt by a lot of things. I just keep praying the LORD will show me how to forgive and let go.
   I also wish he would show us where he wants us in life and how to get there!!! I just don't want to be in this sad dark place anymore!!!  I want to thank those who have been there for me and who do pray for me, you don't know how much it means!!!!  I wish people could have known me before the cancer and you would see a whole different person even in this blog.

This is Job.  He was a rescue at crystal peaks youth ranch in Sisters Oregon.  His story was sad and he was old.  I was having a very hard time when I went for the clinic at the ranch.  I was in an abusive marriage afraid to end it and felt like my life again was prity hopeless.  I was standing by the railing during a break and all the horses were are the very bottom of the pasture.  I was praying LORD show me you are here, show me you haven't left me and at that moment Job who could barely hobble his way anywhere at much of a pace looked right up at me and trotted as best he could right at me stopping to let me pet him.  It was then that I saw the words that had painted on his side early in the clinic.....HOPE!!!!  That is really the last time that I remember feeling GOD right there with me saying it was going to be ok.  I just hugged his muzzle and cried and he just let me.   He was the sweetest horse and I knew GOD had done that all for me.  I just need to feel you again LORD!

 

Doctors..Doctors..Doctors

So we have both had enough of doctors for a lifetime and especially this year.  I have my MRI and Nerve study a week from tomorrow.  But Eric called Tuesday night and said he needed to get in to see doctor cause his pain in his leg and hernia area was getting worse and he could feel a bulge:(  It has bothered him since he had the surgery but the nerve pain in his leg had really gone away but has been back for the past week.  So we seen the regular doctor yesterday and he said he thought he ruptured it again:(  So sent us to surgeon.  But surgeon doesn't think it is ruptured.  But he did do some injections on the nerve to see if we can get it to go away.  He didn't seem to think it was a very high chance it would help but better to try this than go straight to surgery.  So if these don't work they will go in and open him up again and then cut the nerve off up higher from the scar and then he will just have a numb spot on his leg.  So we shall see.  But it was already hurting a little this evening and he hasn't even worked today:(  We just really don't want him to have to go through another surgery and more time off work we can't afford.  So we just praying and hoping it works itself out!

Moving?!?!?!?!

Well Eric got to talk to his boss today and asked him about the possibility of him working up in North Dakota full time like 3 weeks on one week off.  Then I can move to be closer to friends.  His boss said he thought it actually be a good idea.  He said he just assumed no one would want to do that with family and friends here.  Well since we don't have either here we could do that.  He said he wants to see how it goes for a while first and see if he really wants to even keep a truck or two up there.  So again it is a wait and see.  Still while out before they can have the man camps and such done to go up there and then try it out and then see.  So it isn't a for sure to move but the possibility is there.  We may move back up to Blackhills area of South Dakota.  We loved our church up there and miss some of our friends.  It would be nice for me to be closer to people I know:)  So we shall see!!!

Not a whole lot of news yet

Happy May Day!!!!!!

We are still prity much up in the air on a lot of things.  I did go see the new specialist yesterday but no answers yet he just did a consult and we set up the MRI and nerve testing for May 11.  I was hoping it would be sooner but they have to get all the ok's from work comp and such.  Can't wait to get this all figured out and to be able to get better so I can go back to life!
  We still not sure when Eric will be leaving for North Dakota but probably next month to six weeks is the guess.  I think they are just waiting for the man camps to get done and put on the land up there.  We are still trying to decide what to do.  They may do it where they work up there 2 weeks and then down here 2 weeks.  But we have thought of moving me back to either South Dakota or Oregon so that I have people I know close by.  Here I don't have anyone we know close by so Eric worries about me with my health and just being alone.  So we will see when we start getting more concrete answers from his work.
   So ya nothing to exciting been going on here.  Hope everyone has a happy May Day!!!!