Unrelistic Expectations

I think a lot of times we have a lot of unrealistic expectations on people, places and situations. I try very hard not to be overly sensitive, unrealistic or harsh. But sometimes it is hard when you're feelings get so hurt. Especially when every aspect of your life is falling apart. I think we build things up in our mind to be certain ways or have certain standards and a lot of the time they don't line up to others or situations and then we are upset or disappointed. Not to menchin some people really just can't deal with or understand your expectations. I think it is extremely important to try and be the best person you can be an to try and help when you can but to also be understanding when others can't. I just take it so personally like that someone doesn't love me or that they don't care. That is just an unrealistic expectation on my part. But I will say there is also a right to be hurt to. There is a fine line and that is what I am trying to learn. I don't want to be a door mat and I don't want to be overly sensitive. I am going to work on looking at my expectations to see if they are justified or not.
I think a lot of the reason I am so sensitive is because I am really not a part of my friends and families lives. I only get to see or hear what they tell me or what I see on facebook. It is so hard to see every ones lives going by and not getting to be a part of them. It is hard to see things y'all started together go on without you. I just feel so lonely. I love my husband and my animals soooo very much and I am blessed to have them but I do miss my friends and my family. I miss seeing my nephew and little makayla grow up. I miss having a friend to walk with in the morning. I just miss life I guess. I hope that makes sense to everyone. But instead of realizing all this I have just felt like I didn't matter. Some of feeling like that is justified and hurts deeply but some of it is just being sensitive.
I just need to learn to be more tough without being hard. My want lately honestly has been to want to shut everyone out and to just not have to feel the sadness or the missing. But really that isn't going to hurt anyone but me. GOD would not have me do that. I just wish that it could hurt less being so far from everyone!

THANK YOU BLOGGER FRIENDS!!!

I just wanted to say thank you to all my blogger friends for the love and support. It has meant so much through all this!!!! Y'all have helped to keep me in check on my emotions:) and to just have hope for a future. I just wanted to say THANK YOU to y'all!!! Can't tell you what it means!!!!

I swear there will be good fun posts coming sometime

I have been so hurt lately. Not just with everything going on with the jobs and such but with people!!! I know people are busy and have their own lives but I just honestly feel like I really don't matter that much to very many people. It is hurting me soooooooooooooo badly. It makes me cry and I know maybe it is stupid but it just really hurts. I have had some prity awesome relationships with people that were full of many good memories and great times and they mean the world to me but I don't feel like they mean anything to them. I know I am probably to over sensitive but it is hard. I mean when I go back to visit friends and family I walk through their houses and look at all the pictures of them and their family and friends and not one has us together! I have pictures everywhere of all the people I love and the good times and that is special to me. I don't know why that bothers me so bad but it did. It really did. The only person that had a picture of me was my best friend Candi who I cherish so much. She had pictures of me with her daughter when she was born and pictures of our fun times growing up. I know quit whining. I am just trying to be transparent and maybe writing this will help me deal with it.
I know part of the problem is that I live far away but still facebook and email are only a click away. I feel like I have to constantly be the one to keep the relationship going. Is it really a relationship if it is mostly one sided? I guess my hurt has just escalated from a lot of hurt over needing people and no one being there. I mean the biggest things in my life....My wedding, not a single one of my friends or family members came. How are you suppose to take that? Sure I understand it is expensive to travel and not everyone can but when they say they can't afford it but take off on vacations it makes it a little hurtful. When I was sick with my thyroid and had to have surgery no one was there. I just feel really unloved I guess. I find myself wanting to shut myself off from everyone. I know that isn't the right thing to do but it just keeps hurting worse and worse!!!!
Thanks for listening to my sadness. I know someday I will be back to the fun carefree posts but right now this is my life!! I have to say it makes me appreciate my blog friends that have shown much love and support, y'all have made a huge difference in my life!!!

Another punch in the gut!!!!!!!!!

So yesterday Eric had to go to the bank to get a check for our insurance payment stuff that the insurance company messed up on(another story but anyways) and when he went to get it the lady said you don' t have enough money. You only have $129 in the bank. Eric is like wait there should be like $1000. Come to find out the last paycheck they paid us for the 15th that we didn't get until the 19th bounced. Yet another reason this place was a nightmare since we only received 5 paychecks and two bounced while we worked here. REALLY!!!! How do you run a business like that. So since the owners have never called, came by or anything to talk about everything(totally disrespectful) Eric called the owner. He told the owner the check bounced, and the owner said well it shouldn't the money is there, Eric said they said there was insufficient funds. He said well we will have to fix it when we get back into town. So now we have to wait till Saturday. Then he had the gal to ask when we are moving? They know we have no money all the money we had was that check and it is gone. I just REALLY REALLY hope they fix it and don't mess us over on it. I am soooooooooo frustrated with bad people!!! Even if I didn't like someone I would never treat them unfairly.
Thanks to a certain lady who knows who she is and her honey;) Eric has a lead on a job we hope to workout but then our next BIG obstacle is housing. Where we will live and even more than that how we will afford to get it. Good thing GOD is a BIG GOD:)

The Panic has hit!!!!

So this am I woke up panicked over all of this!!! I had been doing prity good and was optimistic but we are on day 5 with no real prospects yet soooooooo I am really starting to worry. The tears started to fall this afternoon. I know we haven't always made the best decisions but we try our best to do what we think is right at the time. But here we are facing no income and possibly no home again. It is VERY VERY SCARY!!!! We went and looked at a rental house today but I just don't think we can do it and to be honest I don't know how y'all do it. I mean by the time we pay rent, utilities and such we are at at least a $1000. I know most of you probably pay more than that and I don't know how. We are looking like mad for a job for Eric and to say that jobs are scarce is a huge understatement. I am going to look for another part time job also but I have to figure where we are going to be first and pray it doesn't wipe me out completely. It is about all I can do to work my few hours a day 4 days a week. I hate feeling so incapable and crappy but my body just flat says no, no, no!!! I just have to say without a MIRACLE FROM GOD we are in BIG BIG TROUBLE!!!!!!!!!! Thank you to everyone for your prayers and support I can't tell you how much they mean it is beyond words at this point!

Nothing new yet...still jobless and needing a new home

So we have not had anything come up yet!! We have lots of awesome, awesome people helping to look and that means more than I can say!!! It is one of those times you find out who your friends are. This would be the second time we find out:) I would be worried sick about a relative or friend in this position and really nothing at all from Eric's family and very little from mine. Not that we expect much but a hey how are things going or just checking in would be nice. I have to say it is amazing to see people that barely know us pulling for us and trying to help find us a place to live and work. It means more than we could ever put into words. I just can't believe the kindness shown. I don't know where we would be without some of them.(insert BECG here:) ) Thank you for every ones help, prayers and support is making this a lot more bare able.

On the hunt now...no job and got to be out soon

So Eric talked to the owner last night and he didn't even want to hear the story he just said what manager says goes since he is the manager. REALLY you move us all the way here and you knew we didn't put up with not taking proper care of animals and you wanted Eric to come in and clean up this unorganized mess and when he does you get mad. Ya because it showed the owner this "manager" has NO idea what he is doing. But the blatant disrespect and being dishonest is frustrating to. Talking terrible about everyone and then lieing about it!!! There is nothing more that I can't stand than a LIAR!!!! Not to menchin most of the stuff done around here is dishonest and illegal. They don't take taxes out on us and we talked to a tax place today and they said that the way they are doing it isn't legal and we had asked them to take taxes and they wouldn't. Then they use meds on their cows and charge it to customers, don't feed certain cows or not as much and still charge the customer. That is wrong, wrong, and double wrong!!! Anyways enough of my vent. We have wanted and have been looking to get out for a while and now we have no choice since Eric isn't employed here anymore. But it is making it REALLY REALLY beyond stressful!!!!!!!!!!! I can't tell you how much my body is kicking my butt right now and moving with a bad back is definitely not fun!!!

I want to thank everyone for the thoughts and prayers through all this, they are much appreciated and needed:)

On the move again?!?!?

So I have been putting off posting about this but really I need to just vent and share. We are on the look again for a different job. I am sooooooo angry right now with how people can be. We are very upfront, open and honest people. We told them everything we wanted in the interview and they told us a bunch of BS! This place is terrible. They don't take proper care of the cattle which will make me hot! hot! hot! and they are lazy and irresponsible and then they get mad at Eric when he does there job(like pulling sick cattle he has already told them about and they didn't take care of) Eric has had one day of in 10 weeks and believe me he is not afraid of hard work and long hours but common you pull in the drive way and the next day without unpacking or anything you go to work and that is it for 10 weeks. Not to menchin that we have never had a paycheck come on time usually 3+ days late. I don't know about y'all but we live paycheck to paycheck and we barely make it to that next paycheck, and I could go on and on and on about not watering animals not feeding animals properly or not at all. I am just so angry right now.
So we need to find a new job and fast!!! We love the ranch life but talking with other ranch hands it really is hard to find that great job and when you do people hang onto them and I can see why. But it makes it hard when you live there and work there and when you are done with the job you have no where to live either. So we have thought about getting out of ranching also but we can't afford to. If we can find a rental they want first, last and deposits and we just don't have it:( So we really don't know what we will do. As of right now we need a job NOW! I am praying like crazy and hoping the LORD will show us how to make good, wise decisions. This is soooooo hard on us and yes some of it is our own fault I am sure but it doesn't make it any easier:( I am soooooo beyond stressed out and worried right now. SO PLEASE PRAYERS WOULD DEFINITELY MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE!!!!

PAY-IT-FORWARD 2011

♥ PAY-IT-FORWARD 2011: I will send something handmade to the first 3 people to leave a comment here. To be eligible, you must also post this in your status, offering the same thing to 5 other people. The rules are that it must be handmade by you & it must be sent out sometime during 2011

So this was a message I got on facebook and loved the idea. I got 3 people on facebook so I thought I would offer it to 3 people here on my blog:) Share the love!!! I am not sure when or what I will make but it will be a surprise sometime in 2011. So first 3 people to say they are in I will do this for:) Just a fun way to share with people.

Duke playing in the snow at work today! Just cute!!

He totally runs himself into the fence on this one. Funny but gosh you would think it hurt!!

He was just cracking me up. Wish I had video taped him earlier when he had more energy it was hilarious!!!!

FIRST DAY OFF in 10 weeks for eric!!!

So Wednesday Eric finally got a full day off for the first time in 10 weeks. He just wanted to get away from the ranch and see some scenery. So we took a drive to Silverton, co which was stinkin amazing. But however red mountain pass was SCARY!!!!!!!!! Very narrow, sharp curves and only one guard rail and it was beat up bad. I can see why it is know as one of the deadliest drives. But I will say the weather was awesome and the scenery breathtaking is an understatement. From there we drove back and went up to Telluride. What an awesome little town. It has such beauty and atmosphere. I have to say I thought it would be extremely expensive and uppity but really found it to be nice. We also took the free gondola up to mountain village which is awesome but Eric did not find it beautiful or amusing he wanted out!!! Poor Cowboy guess he likes horses. He said if he was meant to fly he would have been born with wings:) Silly cowboy!!! But it was just awesome to get out and enjoy some time together in this awesome state. We also took little duke and he was VERY popular:) Well here are some pics.

drive towards Silverton, CO.

ya that is the edge of the road right out my window and that is going towards the bottom

looking back towards home and see the road on the side of the mountain to the right. It is built just on the side of the mountain no much room.

sooooooo stunning!!!

Me and Duke on the streets of Telluride

They had these everywhere but he wanted nothing to do with it!!! I would never have left him there but cute pic!!

Eric at mountain village right after gondola ride you can see he isn't very happy:)

Happy again after awesome pizza. Just not realizing he has to get back on that thing to get down:)

Mamma's Boys!!!

Do you think I have a bunch of mamma's boys??? Imagine when duke is bigger than Kohanna?? He grows by the second I swear:) I love my boys they make my life soooo much better:)

A year of change???

So this year I really want to change some things. One of the main things is I want to learn to not be afraid of people. Yes this will probably come as a surprise to a lot of people, but I am utterly scared to death of people. Yes it is true!! To pick up the phone and call someone about makes me throw up. I know that sounds weird but when you have been violated emotionally, physically and sexually by people throughout your life it really causes a lot of pain and distrust. I am sooooo very blessed to be free of all that now but the hurt and the pattern is still there. I know it is a defense mechanism and it did keep me safe in the past but it has also kept me from building relationships and allowing good people in. I want to change that this year. I want to be able to pick up the phone and have a chat with those I love and care about. I want to be able to go out in public without feeling so stressed out. I know a lot of that has to do with self image to and I don't have a good one of those especially not with all the extra weight(which I want to change this year also) but I want to enjoy life and not worry so much!!!

To be honest with all the things that I have went through in life I can't believe I am as normal as I am:) But really without GOD I wouldn't have made it through. So I am going to rely on him to help me with this, this year:)

An awesome surprise to visit with a blogger friend

So this morning I got a surprise when on facebook my friend Sarah from between you me and the fence post http://sarahsthoughtsandpictures.blogspot.com/ told me on facebook she was in Colorado and not only Colorado in Montrose which is only like 13 miles from us. I was so excited so I jumped in the truck, stopped by Starbucks and got there just in time to visit for a little while:) It was so awesome to meet Sarah and Malcolm and their "girls":) Which by the way are way to stinkin adorable:) It was so great to get to meet in person. We have missed each other here and there for like a year so it was well way overdue:)

Sarah is as sweet as she seems in her blog and sooooo easy to talk to. It was like visiting a friend I had known for years. I have to say it was definitely a blessing and started out my year good:) I look forward to more visits.

Not the best picture of me. But Sarah is beautiful:) Oh and she has the best southern accent. All I can say is "I want one...." Don't think Eric would move there just so I can have a cute southern accent:)

New Years Resolutions?

I see the blogs bursting with New Years resolutions and goals and I wonder what is wrong with me. I don't really have any. I mean of course I want to get unfat:) But that is a given. But other than that I really don't have any want to write some resolutions. I think I have been so intent on thinking my life should go a certain way or that by this age I should be doing certain things that I am going to let go and let GOD this year!!!! Hey I think that sounds like an awesome idea:) I know it will be easier said than done. But I want to see what GOD has for us this 2011. I am sure I will be surprised and I am sure he will help me to grow in him in whatever we do this year. May every ones year and resolutions be blessed this year!!!