Something I miss.........

Todays blog challenge-Day 12, Sunday: What do you miss? (a person, a thing, a place, a time of your life...)

  

I thought a lot about this one.  There is so many things and people that I could write about.  I could write about the people I miss that have passed on, I could write about all the people that have drifted away, I could write about the relationships that weren't what they seemed.  I could write about the days of less responsibility and more freedom, I could write about the days of better health.  In life I think we could think about a lot of people and things we miss.

  To be honest I think what I miss the most is some of the person I use to be.  I know the big changes started in my first marriage when I started loosing myself to a person that only cared about himself and what he wanted.  To someone that pushed, prodded and talked until I felt like nothing.  Then came getting the Tularemia that took all my physical strength.  When that was over and I started to get a little better it hit me hard not only was all my physical strength gone but so was my emotional strength.  I had fought for my life and I had found out really fast who really cared and who my real friends were and sadly that number was not very big.  It was then that I realize it changed me.  It put a sadness and hurt into me that I have not been able to shake.  I find myself frustrated with people and wanting to pull away.  I find myself just wanting to pull back and be alone.  It wasn't like that was the first or last time people had disappointed me but it was like the straw that broke the camels back I guess.  On top of that losing my physical strength really hurt.  I had always been strong and tough and could get through anything and always tried to see the positive side of everything.  I miss that!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss that strong woman that didn't take crap from anyone, who knew who she was, who was hardworking and healthy.  I have found out quickly through the past few years of cancer, and torn bicep tendons with complications that I am not as strong as I thought and that I don't like the person I have become.  I don't like the frustration, the sadness  the disappointment and definitely being scared.  I hate being scared and I am scared.  I miss being optimistic  bubbly, etc.  

  Life has knocked me down one to many times and I am trying my hardest to get back up and not let it take me down.  I miss that girl that was sooooooooooooooooooooo tough!!!!!!