Happy Thanksgiving Y'all

Hope everyone has a very happy thanksgiving!! May it be full of love, laughter and great memories!!

The shock has worn off

Well the shock of my biological dad showing up after 20 years has worn off.  I wish it hadn't to be honest.  I liked that feeling A LOT better.  Now I am to the angry and frustrated feelings.  I don't like those feelings ever but especially not during the holidays.  But I can't ignore them:(  I can't unfeel them and I find myself withdrawing quite a bit.  I am angry not only at him but at my mom, my grandparents and my aunt for hiding things, lying and for the trust in the relationships being destroyed.
  I did finally write him and did after a few days get a letter back. I know I should have no expectations but of course I did at least some little ones.  I thought he would say he was sorry and that he wished he could undo all that he had done, that he was sorry he had missed out on so much with me, but nothing:(  BIG fat nothing:(  WOW a punch to the gut:(
  I think it hurts more that my grandparents and aunt are so willing to just jump back in and that they were willing to not tell us kids:(  That they were ok with him just wanting to leave us out.  That they had lied about things that had happened in the past or that they let us believe things that weren't true.  That they are telling him personal things about me and my brother they really have no buisness telling him without talking to us about it.  My grandparents are flying up here to spend thanksgiving with him, I am trying to have the holiday spirit and say good he will have family for the holidays but then other things come to mind like they never fly up for holidays with us, they didn't fly up for my wedding but here is a man that disappeared on them for years and years after ripping them off over and over and causing hell in their lives and they fly on up.  I know it is their son and I am trying to be understanding but I feel hurt and betrayed:(
  I don't know what will happen.  I am trying to be understanding and look at it from others points of view but it is hard and of course there is a lot more to the story and it just brings up a lot of the old hurts that were never acknowledged.  So trying to just concentrate on the good and the awesome people in my life for now.
   I am trying to just be thankful for all the good in my life.  Even when it all is crashing down around me in every way I will find some good.  LORD I will find your good in this.

Christmas in the Country 2014- I joined this:)

#christmasinthecountry2014

I found this over at ritzvilleranchlife and was very excited to join:)  I think this is an awesome way to share the Christmas spirit and get to know new friends from other places:)  I am soooooo excited to get my name and get a gift put together:)  This is such an amazing idea.  For instructions and joining go to the following link and sing up:

http://ritzvilleranchlife.blogspot.com/2014/11/christmas-in-country-2014.html

Falling behind...Always Falling behind

So as I am sure you have noticed I have fallen behind on my thankfuls.  Life of course as usual has been nuts.  There has been a lot of changes at work, struggling finances and a big shock came along two weeks ago.  I haven't written cause I still really don't know how I feel about all of it.  But I figured I better write something or y'all might think I finally gave up.
  Work and personal life prity much still the same.  Struggling to figure out where I belong in life and how to live with all my physical limitations.  So for now that is all I will say about that.
  The big surprise.  Well my Biological dad contacted my aunt and grandma again for the first time in 20 years.  We all thought he had probably died of an overdose or something. I know that sounds horrible but he is a severe manic depressive and loved his drugs when I was born.  Since we hadn't heard anything in well over 20 years we figured he was gone.  My aunt who was a private investigator was even unable to find him.  So now here he is.  He is living few hours south of me.  He told them he didn't even want us to know since we already had a mom and dad.  WOW I won't even go into how that felt.  But then we found out I have a 1/2 sister.  And she is only 9 years old.  Yes he had gotten married again to a woman only 2 years older than me and had a girl.  They are divorced and now it is an ugly custody battle.  He has supposedly been clean past 20 years and has lived in midwest and drove truck.  So ya wow!! It really has thrown me for a loop and I really don't know what to think.  At first I was curious and now to be honest I am hurt and angry.  And to top it off some of my aunt and grandparents stories aren't adding up on them not knowing anything about him for all those years.  So trust is shaky at best:(  So there is just a lot now.  We found out because they added him on facebook.  That is not a great way to find out.  So now just one day at a time.  I don't know what will happen.  He does want to see us and talk to us now that we know about him but I really just don't know what will happen.
   So well as you can see I have been very preoccupied.  We shall see where this goes.  I am just hoping it won't bring more pain, more sadness and more distrust.  I am trying be open, forgiving and discerning.

Thankful Day 5-10

It has been busy busy busy so I am very far behind on my Thankful posts.  For 5-10 I am going to say I am thankful for time with friends and family.  We had been away for quite a few years from friends and family so it is nice to have that time to spend with them.  Time to make memories, laugh and just be together. It has been an adjustment and sometimes overwhelming for my husband but it has been really nice.  We are not sure that we will stay here in Oregon forever but we are trying to enjoy it while we are here and make many memories:)  Just going pick few random pics of family crazy fun:)

Thankful Day4- My Job

With my health I can't do much and can't work long so I am very thankful for my job at the horse farm.  I get to be around the horses and all the critters and I get to help run an amazing place.  It makes me feel needed and wanted.  It helps contribute to our household financially( not much:()  But it is something.  I just feel blessed to have it!

November already!!!

Well I didn't do very well on my month of daily questions but it was kind of a crazy month.  I think at some point I will carry those over to another month:)  But since it is November I like the idea of sharing the things we are thankful for. I try and find things everyday to be thankful for and to always thank the LORD for even the most little things.  But the years have been trying and my faith has been wavering:(  I still try and remember to push myself to be more thankful and try and remember to concentrate on even the smallest of good things.  So I wanna use this month to share the things I am grateful and thankful for.  I started a day late so I will do two days:)

November 1- My pets

I am so thankful to have my fur babies.  I am thankful to have their love, their companionship, their protection.  They make my heart smile, they make me laugh, they are ALWAYS there for me when I need a little love.  They are loyal always. I am blessed by having them!!

November 2- This Blog

I am thankful to have started this blogging journey back in 2008.  I can't believe it has been 6 years.  But I am thankful to be able to look back and see my journey, I am thankful to be able to see the growth and even the places I need to continue to work on.  I am thankful for the friends I have met on here.  It has been hard at times and opening yourself up publicly also opens you up to public opinion and judgement but it all helps me grow so I try and learn from that and appreciate those who are there to listen and watch someone grow A LOT:)  I have a long ways to go but love sharing the journey with those that read.