Health Frustrations!!!

So we have spent like around $2,500 on the last 3 doctor visits and still no answers!!! GRRRRRR!!! They are hoping it is just because my thyroid levels but it has been two years and they still haven't gotten them right. There is something that is causing that. I am tired, nauseous, and my hands and face go annoyingly numb. And that is just a few of the issues. I try to just ignore it and push through it but it makes it hard and things are really hard to enjoy when you feel so crappy!!!
I think what is even more frustrating is trying to find a doctor who actually cares and you are just not another number and to find one that will take what you say and try and figure it out not just blow it off. Especially when you don't have insurance and we have to pay all the visits out of pocket you don't want to be just waisting money.
My biggest concern is that the cancer will return or have spread. We just can't afford to go in for all the follow up tests every 6 months. Most of the doctors rely on the blood tests to reveal if there is cancer in the blood but I don't like that. As when they found my cancer they were shocked and had no idea. If I wouldn't have pushed to have my thyroid removed it would have been really advanced. I don't want to wait till cancer is to far advanced to find out. Everyone knows the earlier it is diagnosed the better chances of cure. I am not going to worry myself to death about it but I am not going to bury my head in the sand and assume it will never happen to me....Again!
I just really hope it is just getting my thyroid meds right and then...poof....feel great again:)

Holding back..just random thoughts

I still hold back a lot of things that I want to write. I feel bad about whining or that I am just being a downer but really it is just about getting my thoughts out there and sharing my struggles and I so love hearing feedback.


I have just really been struggling this past year with feeling so restless and unhappy. I have lost a lot of hope in myself, people, etc. I have never been one to feel that way in even the most impossible of situations. So for me it has been really really tough!! I just hate feeling like there is nowhere to go or no way to change the rut or path we are on. I know it is easy to say anyone can change their lives or it is just you got to do it. But really it isn't that easy. I am not afraid of hard work or challenges or at least I never have been before. But now I really feel trapped. I wonder if I really am suppose to be doing something different or if I am just fighting what the LORD has for me here. Honestly there are a lot of things that I think I would love and be good at but really no way to get there. Some people have great talents or certain qualities that make it so they can advance in jobs and life. But me really...... nothing!! I am not saying I am stupid or worthless or anything of the sort so please don't misunderstand me but I don't have any real talents and I am not really smart in any kind of field or such so I just really don't know what I can do to change my status. I am not saying I give up hope and I am not saying there is anything necessarily wrong with my life or such but I just don't fell like I fit in it. Does anyone else feel like they don't fit in their life???

The only thing I am sure about and know in my heart is where I belong is by Eric's side, but the rest is all in the air:) I am not sure if I should stay ranching, if there is a ministry that I should be working in, if I should be living somewhere else, or really anything. I have spent a lot of time in prayer asking GOD to show me where he would have me and what he wants me to be doing! Guess I just need to be patient and see what he has in store for me:) As you can see I am not very patient:)

I guess I just really wonder where I belong here. So many people have family and friends that are their world. Some have their careers and such. Other than Eric I feel very lonely. Me and Eric don't have families we can lean on and we don't have a lot of friends that are true friends. In life it is hard to find TRUE friends. The ones that will stick with you through it all. Ones that will be honest but love you anyways. The couple of friends I have like that I cherish with all my heart. They all live in different states and it is so hard being away from them. I have always been a people person and always been one to go and do. So it is hard not to have that. I thought I would get use to it but I seem to get more and more restless everyday!!! I feel so bad for Eric having to deal with me:) He does so much and the last couple of weeks has been a blast with him going to Sturgis, the fair, concerts and so many other fun, cheap things in our area:) I love it!!!

Sorry this was long and kind of rambling but hey this is just a place to get it all out right:)

We made it through the first Sturgis Motorcycle ralley....

Me on our friend Billys bike:)

So now that we live near sturgis only about 25 miles east of it we figured we better see what the ralley is all about and we fell in love!! I loved it. I loved seeing all the different bikes and how people had customized them. I also loved all the concerts and fun dancing. I am very tired though. We made it to everyday of the ralley and a few days before for atleast part of the day between work. I have to say that I expected it to be a lot different. Everyone said you would see all this dirty, weird things and to be honest not really any of that. Not to say some of the ways people dressed wasn't a little crazy but no full nudity or anything like that. Which I very much appreciated:)

I will say I was shocked the shear size of this event. This town is little and nothing goes on most the rest of the year. It transformed into the biggest thing ever and tehy say there were probably around 700,000 here this year for the 70th anniversary. CRAZY!!!!! Can't wait for next year but we would like to have a motorcycle:) I know keep dreaming:)

Here are a few pics.......

the town a couple days before

as the craziness started!!

My favorite motorcycle:)