Reflection

  The end of the year always brings much reflection.  I try to do that throughout the year but end of the year always get ya to thinkin of what you want in the New Year.  It has been a rough couple of months the last of this year.  Most of which I cannot share yet:(  But it has been VERY hard.  True colors came out in unexpected places.  It really broke me.  Not much left to break to be honest.  But I have been praying and thinking and I am not going to continue to let others drag me down or make me feel bad about my life.  I want to forgive, grow and move on.  I want 2015 to be a GREAT year.  A pivotal life changing year.  I want to be happy, healthy and enjoy every moment.  That won't always be easy but I am making a conscious choice to change and to take control.
   So far this week has been a great start to look forward to the new year.  We finally sold our 5th wheel so we got rid of that payment:) YEAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! and without that payment we signed me up for health insurance.  Yes FINALLY health insurance:)  So now praying for great doctors and great answers. I know it is still a long road but at least we have started down it:)
   Our biggest challenge is that we really don't know where we want to be in life:(  It is hard when part of your heart is in soooo many different places:(  But we both know since we have moved here we are definitely not as happy, we don't like the hustle, we don't like the overcrowding and high cost of living.  So we are probably not going to stay here permanently.  We both LOVE South Dakota soooo very much and that is at the top of the list.  Truthfully if it hadn't been for my old horse we would have moved this year, but I couldn't leave her behind and I don't think she can make it in such harsh weather.  So we put it on hold.  We have thought of eastern Oregon so I could be closer to family but not so close I am submerged in the family drama.  That is another thing we are both choosing not to participate in.  Which can be hard at times.  So we are just hoping for clear answers and the way to make things happen.  We would just love to have our own place someday!  We do miss the ranches desperately and have thought of going back to that also.  So who knows what 2015 will bring!!!
   Life is short! To short to be so full of hurt, sadness and worry!!! So wanting to live each day to its fullest in 2015 and everyday after:)  Hope everyone has an amazing 2015!!!

#christmasinthecountry2014 gift

I hope everyone had an awesome Christmas!!! 

  I got my Christmas in the country gift on Monday before Christmas:)  My camera broke right before Christmas so I wasn't able to get any pictures:( SOOOOOO very sad:(  But it was a beautiful little package from Jenn over at http://thesouthdakotacowgirl.com.  I LOVE her photography and it was a package full of it:)  I got a calendar from her own photos, some beautiful note cards and some stunning magnets all of her photos.  I love them all. Such a cool gift!! Thank you miss Jenn:)  This was a TON of fun!!! I just wish we had a little more time to make stuff and think things out.  17 days during Christmas season little rough:)  But I am excited to participate again next year:)

#christmasinthecountry2014

A Cowboy's Christmas Prayer

I know I post this prity much every year.  But I just love it!! May your Christmas be TRULY TRULY BLESSED!!!  May we all remember Jesus is the reason for the season! Merry Christmas all my blogger friends:)

I ain't much good at prayin',

and You may not know me, Lord—

For I ain't much seen in churches,

where they preach Thy Holy Word.

But you may have observed me

out here on the lonely plains,

A-lookin' after cattle,

feelin' thankful when it rains.

Admirin' Thy great handiwork.

the miracle of the grass,

Aware of Thy kind Spirit,

in the way it comes to pass

That hired men on horseback

and the livestock that we tend

Can look up at the stars at night,

and know we've got a Friend.

So here's ol' Christmas comin' on,

remindin' us again

Of Him whose coming brought good will

into the hearts of men.

A cowboy ain't a preacher, Lord,

but if You'll hear my prayer,

I'll ask as good as we have got

for all men everywhere.

Don't let no hearts be bitter, Lord.

Don't let no child be cold.

Make easy the beds for them that's sick

and them that's weak and old.

Let kindness bless the trail we ride,

no matter what we're after,

And sorter keep us on Your side,

in tears as well as laughter.

I've seen ol' cows a-starvin'—

and it ain't no happy sight;

Please don't leave no one hungry, Lord,

on Thy Good Christmas Night—

No man, no child, no woman,

and no critter on four feet

I'll do my doggone best

to help you find 'em chuck to eat.

I'm just a sinful cowpoke, Lord—

ain't got no business prayin'

But still I hope you'll ketch a word

or two, of what I'm sayin':

We speak of Merry Christmas, Lord—

I reckon You'll agree—

There ain't no Merry Christmas

for nobody that ain't free!

So one thing more I ask You,

Lord: just help us what You can

To save some seeds of freedom

for the future Sons of Man!

Its on its way.....

So my Christmas in the country gift is on its way to its new person:)  I am sooo excited for her to get it.  This was a ton of fun.  I am already looking forward to next year:)  I would like a little more time to get a present done though:) 17 days this time year hard to get something special done that quick:)  I did make one thing and then added few little things to it:)  This is just fun and a great way to get to know others around the globe:)  Can't wait to see all the fun things sent to everyone for #christmasinthecountry2014:)

Date Night-Christmas light edition:)

Saturday night my husband wanted to just have some us time.  We don't get much of that anymore between his 70+ hours a week at work and family and friend functions so I was excited:) We are both exhausted so we decided a night of checking out Christmas lights sounded fun and relaxing and would help get us in that Christmas spirit.  It did:) It was a wonderful evening together.  Drove around and looked at ones along the road,  Found a neat one done by a local business that even had snow machines, and then walked around a big local one near home.  The one near home does it every year and it gets bigger and bigger.  They do it for free and ask for food donations.  They give away hot drinks, and do fun things.  We went on opening night so they did camel ears(elephant ears small style:)), all hot drinks, caramel apples, corn dogs, nachos.  It was full of food, fun and some beautiful light displays.  Below are some pictures:)  Hope y'all are enjoying the Christmas season:)

#christmasinthecountry2014

Finishing up my gift:)  Few last things and then get it wrapped and shipped. I am excited for this.  The only thing I wished is that I had a little more time to pick presents or make things.  Two weeks just is a little hard to get something worked out but I think I got it and I hope my person likes their gift:)  This is a fun thing and I look forward to joining next year:)  May everyone have a truly blessed Christmas:)

Make a difference this Christmas Season

http://www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org/ranch-life/2015-cpyr-calendar-order-form/

It is time again for the yearly ordering of the Crystal Peaks youth ranch calendars. If you are not familiar with this organization you need to check out their website.  It is an amazing place that does amazing things.  They have been through so much and have helped so many.  The calendars are free, they just ask for a donation.  This is a great chance to help out an awesome place.  You can make a difference even in small ways.  Every little bit helps out!!!

To see how this place changed my life see the following post.
http://aranchlifeondreamsandprayers.blogspot.com/2012/06/day-15-shakin-faith.html

Finally a diagnosis

So our poor old kitty girl Target has been sick since August.  Sneezing uncontrollably at first.  Took her into vet and they thought allergies so we put her on prednisone and 2 days later normal self again.  Wean her off of it and month later sneezing and wheezing back horribly:(  Put her on pred again this time no fix and her whole face swells up. So call vet they can't get her in for few days, so I call the other vet and they get her right in.  They check her over and find she has an abscessed tooth and a cracked tooth so we get her on antibiotics and schedule a dental with yet another vet that has dental xrays.  SO we have the dental done, she has 9 teeth removed(poor girl:( ) But two weeks later still swollen face and not feeling well.  So we change antibiotics and swelling finally goes away.  But the sneezing and wheezing still there.  We try the prednisone again and then Thanksgiving her face swells up yet again and she is sneezing horribly:(  Next morning I get up and she starts sneezing blood all over:(  I couldn't get her in to our regular vets so I decide try a vet a couple towns away.  And I am soooooooooooooooooooooo glad we did, I wish we had gone to this vet when it started. Lucky all the blood she was sneezing was just a broken blood vessel from sneezing so hard. She did more testing that the other vets said they couldn't do and then she thought it could possibly be cryptococssis.  It is rare here but she thought it was a big possibility so we pulled blood and sent it in.  It took 5 days to get it back but it came back positive.  That stinks but I was happy to finally have an answer!!  But the poor girl is lucky to be alive.  So then they had compound medicine in Texas and mail it to us overnight.  So we started her on it Thursday.  It will take a while to do much good and it is something she will be on at least 3 months but could be on it the rest of her life possibly.  So now just praying to much damage wasn't done and that she responds well to the medicine.  Just thankful we know what is going on and can get her going in right direction. Praying she will be feeling A LOT better by Christmas:)

SOOO Excited I got my person:)

So I got my person for the Christmas in the country gift exchange yesterday.  I am sooooo VERY excited about this:)  Now to figure out what I will send this person as a gift.  This is such an AWESOME way to get to know others and interact with fellow bloggers.  

Thanksgiving weekend

Well our Thanksgiving weekend started wed so it was long weekend:)  It was my sister in-laws first time hosting so she asked if I would help so we made it a fun family sleepover:)  We had a great time cooking together, had our yummy dinner and watched some movies:)  Friday wasn't the funnest of days as my old kitty that has been having the sneezing and swelling issues started sneezing blood all over and we had to rush her to vet.  Luckily blood was just some broken blood vessels but we are still trying figure out why she isn't getting better. We took her to a new vet and they are going a different route.  We are waiting for blood work back so praying tomorrow finally brings us an answer.  She is the sweetest, toughest girl and even through it all has been lovey and even playful at times:)  Saturday we spent some time cleaning up the mess outside from all the wind and trees, and then we got the Christmas lights up:)  Sunday was AMAZING we always go out in the woods and cut our own tree.  So we took a drive up in the hills outside of where we live and got to see some amazing, amazing views.  Some I couldn't get grate pics of but in one spot we could see 3 mountains and of course all the hills.  It was stunning!!!  It was VERY cold but it was sunny and the snow was so so beautiful!!!  We didn't get the tree up last night since it was so full of ice and snow it is still drying, but tonight we will get that decorated:)  I will post some pics of our Sunday drive:)

Happy Thanksgiving Y'all

Hope everyone has a very happy thanksgiving!! May it be full of love, laughter and great memories!!

The shock has worn off

Well the shock of my biological dad showing up after 20 years has worn off.  I wish it hadn't to be honest.  I liked that feeling A LOT better.  Now I am to the angry and frustrated feelings.  I don't like those feelings ever but especially not during the holidays.  But I can't ignore them:(  I can't unfeel them and I find myself withdrawing quite a bit.  I am angry not only at him but at my mom, my grandparents and my aunt for hiding things, lying and for the trust in the relationships being destroyed.
  I did finally write him and did after a few days get a letter back. I know I should have no expectations but of course I did at least some little ones.  I thought he would say he was sorry and that he wished he could undo all that he had done, that he was sorry he had missed out on so much with me, but nothing:(  BIG fat nothing:(  WOW a punch to the gut:(
  I think it hurts more that my grandparents and aunt are so willing to just jump back in and that they were willing to not tell us kids:(  That they were ok with him just wanting to leave us out.  That they had lied about things that had happened in the past or that they let us believe things that weren't true.  That they are telling him personal things about me and my brother they really have no buisness telling him without talking to us about it.  My grandparents are flying up here to spend thanksgiving with him, I am trying to have the holiday spirit and say good he will have family for the holidays but then other things come to mind like they never fly up for holidays with us, they didn't fly up for my wedding but here is a man that disappeared on them for years and years after ripping them off over and over and causing hell in their lives and they fly on up.  I know it is their son and I am trying to be understanding but I feel hurt and betrayed:(
  I don't know what will happen.  I am trying to be understanding and look at it from others points of view but it is hard and of course there is a lot more to the story and it just brings up a lot of the old hurts that were never acknowledged.  So trying to just concentrate on the good and the awesome people in my life for now.
   I am trying to just be thankful for all the good in my life.  Even when it all is crashing down around me in every way I will find some good.  LORD I will find your good in this.

Christmas in the Country 2014- I joined this:)

#christmasinthecountry2014

I found this over at ritzvilleranchlife and was very excited to join:)  I think this is an awesome way to share the Christmas spirit and get to know new friends from other places:)  I am soooooo excited to get my name and get a gift put together:)  This is such an amazing idea.  For instructions and joining go to the following link and sing up:

http://ritzvilleranchlife.blogspot.com/2014/11/christmas-in-country-2014.html

Falling behind...Always Falling behind

So as I am sure you have noticed I have fallen behind on my thankfuls.  Life of course as usual has been nuts.  There has been a lot of changes at work, struggling finances and a big shock came along two weeks ago.  I haven't written cause I still really don't know how I feel about all of it.  But I figured I better write something or y'all might think I finally gave up.
  Work and personal life prity much still the same.  Struggling to figure out where I belong in life and how to live with all my physical limitations.  So for now that is all I will say about that.
  The big surprise.  Well my Biological dad contacted my aunt and grandma again for the first time in 20 years.  We all thought he had probably died of an overdose or something. I know that sounds horrible but he is a severe manic depressive and loved his drugs when I was born.  Since we hadn't heard anything in well over 20 years we figured he was gone.  My aunt who was a private investigator was even unable to find him.  So now here he is.  He is living few hours south of me.  He told them he didn't even want us to know since we already had a mom and dad.  WOW I won't even go into how that felt.  But then we found out I have a 1/2 sister.  And she is only 9 years old.  Yes he had gotten married again to a woman only 2 years older than me and had a girl.  They are divorced and now it is an ugly custody battle.  He has supposedly been clean past 20 years and has lived in midwest and drove truck.  So ya wow!! It really has thrown me for a loop and I really don't know what to think.  At first I was curious and now to be honest I am hurt and angry.  And to top it off some of my aunt and grandparents stories aren't adding up on them not knowing anything about him for all those years.  So trust is shaky at best:(  So there is just a lot now.  We found out because they added him on facebook.  That is not a great way to find out.  So now just one day at a time.  I don't know what will happen.  He does want to see us and talk to us now that we know about him but I really just don't know what will happen.
   So well as you can see I have been very preoccupied.  We shall see where this goes.  I am just hoping it won't bring more pain, more sadness and more distrust.  I am trying be open, forgiving and discerning.

Thankful Day 5-10

It has been busy busy busy so I am very far behind on my Thankful posts.  For 5-10 I am going to say I am thankful for time with friends and family.  We had been away for quite a few years from friends and family so it is nice to have that time to spend with them.  Time to make memories, laugh and just be together. It has been an adjustment and sometimes overwhelming for my husband but it has been really nice.  We are not sure that we will stay here in Oregon forever but we are trying to enjoy it while we are here and make many memories:)  Just going pick few random pics of family crazy fun:)

Thankful Day4- My Job

With my health I can't do much and can't work long so I am very thankful for my job at the horse farm.  I get to be around the horses and all the critters and I get to help run an amazing place.  It makes me feel needed and wanted.  It helps contribute to our household financially( not much:()  But it is something.  I just feel blessed to have it!

November already!!!

Well I didn't do very well on my month of daily questions but it was kind of a crazy month.  I think at some point I will carry those over to another month:)  But since it is November I like the idea of sharing the things we are thankful for. I try and find things everyday to be thankful for and to always thank the LORD for even the most little things.  But the years have been trying and my faith has been wavering:(  I still try and remember to push myself to be more thankful and try and remember to concentrate on even the smallest of good things.  So I wanna use this month to share the things I am grateful and thankful for.  I started a day late so I will do two days:)

November 1- My pets

I am so thankful to have my fur babies.  I am thankful to have their love, their companionship, their protection.  They make my heart smile, they make me laugh, they are ALWAYS there for me when I need a little love.  They are loyal always. I am blessed by having them!!

November 2- This Blog

I am thankful to have started this blogging journey back in 2008.  I can't believe it has been 6 years.  But I am thankful to be able to look back and see my journey, I am thankful to be able to see the growth and even the places I need to continue to work on.  I am thankful for the friends I have met on here.  It has been hard at times and opening yourself up publicly also opens you up to public opinion and judgement but it all helps me grow so I try and learn from that and appreciate those who are there to listen and watch someone grow A LOT:)  I have a long ways to go but love sharing the journey with those that read.

As you can see falling behind

So as you can see I have fallen way behind on my question a day.  Life has been crazy busy and I have been having a rough go with health stuff.  I will try and catch up on those days soon:)  Now I am working on Halloween costumes for our trick or treating and Halloween party Friday.  Halloween is my favorite Holiday so I am VERY VERY excited:)

Day 21- One thing you can't live without

Ok aside from a person if it had to be a thing I would say if I was stuck on an island and could only take one thing it would be music.  I love music.  I love the sound, I love the way it makes me feel.  I love that it can make you remember a moment so vividly, I love that it can tell someone how you feel.  I love to dance, I love to sing( not well I might ad:))  I love the way it makes my spirit smile.  Music is a very powerful thing.  So I would choose music.

Day 17-A movie to watch over and over and a book to read over and over

Well of course I have quite a few favorite movies and books but I will say lets see....  If I had to pick just one.  Oh That is soooooooooooooooo hard.  Lets see..

Movie-Twister

I love, love, love this movie!! I love the action, I love the adventure but most of all I love all the characters.  I love the way they interact, I love that they are also different and yet so close.  I have always been fascinated with tornado and especially after living in the Midwest it is a great movie!!! I watch it at least 3-4 times a year:)  I seen it 9 times on the big screen when it came out.  I wish they would re-release it to see on big screen.

Books this is probably even harder.  I love books a lot and I wish soooo many of them would be made into movies but they usually are never as good as the book:)  So for a books I would have to say for a book series I will choose... Love finds you books.  I am sooooo very sad they quit making them but I love that they are set in actual towns and include actual places and some history of those places.  I love all the different authors and different styles of writing.  They are amazing books to read!

Day 14- A favorite quote

I know I am behind on posts so I will have to catch up soon.  Been crazy, crazy, crazy here.  I will date them to be in order:)

This is something that has really hit me hard this year and I have been working on a lot.  Yes in reality we should expect that people we love care, that when we need help people will be there, that people will treat us kind and with respect.  but in reality that isn't the case more often that not.  This is a broken world and there are a lot of broken people in it.  So in reality expectations are ours and ours only.  We are putting those on others and setting ourselves up for failure.  This is something I am really working on not only for myself but for my relationships with others!!

Question a day-Day 9 what might your facebook status say in 2018

Well lets see 2018... That is not quite 4 years away.  I will be 38 that year.  I hope that it will say Lovin life, feeling blessed and headin on an adventure. Just won the lottery would be a nice one to:)


I hope by 2018 we have my health going in a better direction, that we will be doing ok financially and even more we will be doing great financially.  I hope by then maybe I will know where I am suppose to be going in this crazy life!!!  But I have found we can make all the plans we want but life has plans of it is own. Some way better than I have ever dreamed and some that I wish I never had to experience.  But that is how we grow and learn right?!?!?!

Question a day-Day 7 last thing that made you smile

Well today the last thing that made me smile was the pups at work.  We have 3 rat terrier pups here at work and part of my job is to get them out and play with them.  I know awesome job right:)  They are just to darn cute!! They growl, they ruff house, they run to fast for their legs trip and tumble.  They make me smile, they make my heart smile!! They are just toooooo darn cute!!!!

Question a Day-Day 6 the last thing that made you cry?

Well lets see.  I never use to be a cryer.  I use to only cry when I was VERY VERY ANGRY.  But in the past 3 years or so I cry a lot more and easily:(  I have never been a cryer so it was hard at first cause I was always taught crying makes you weak and crying in front of people makes you a cry baby and a whiner. But honestly I think if you can cry and be honest with your emotions and in front of others you are VERY strong.  I think being able to feel all your feelings honestly and be able to process them and move on in life is important.

Well honestly last time I cried was this weekend when our truck broke down:(  We decided to go for a night to meet some family for camping at a lake about 70 miles away.  Eric hadn't had a day off in weeks and works 12+ hours a day so I was very excited about some time together and some time out camping just to relax and forget some worries for a night.  well about 20 miles to camp the rearend started making a noise and then grinding:(  We did limp it to camp but then we had to have the truck and our trailer towed home Sunday morning:(  Since we are struggling so much financially we couldn't afford this:(  It just overwhelmed me and I broke. I was really upset.  Just beyond tired and frustrated.  I just don't get why it has to all keep falling apart.  What I have done to deserve all this.  And the part that made me cry the hardest is where is GOD in all this.  He is sooooo VERY important in my life but he has felt so far for years and feels absent and that makes it even harder.

So that is the last time I cried.

Question a Day-Day 4 What was the last dream you had you remember?

I always have very random dreams.  The last one I had and actually keep having is that I am looking for people I love.  I was looking for my husband, family and friends and I either couldn't find them or they would be right there and just gone.  I feel very alone and sad.  I am searching for them, I am reaching out for them and when I see them I don't even seem to matter.  They are very strange dreams. The last one I was looking in the forest and then there was a tornado coming.  Not sure if dreams really tell us anything but I don't like these ones for sure.

Question a day=Day 3 5 things that make me cringe

1.This one is kind of silly for sure but one of the biggest ones is when a kid or someone sucks on clothing or material.  Even as I write that I am cringing and shuddering:( It is like nails on a chalk board to some people to me.

2. When someone says we need to talk later?  Oh I hate that.  Maybe it is the anxiety in me but it just makes me worry, worry, worry and if it is longer than that day I don't sleep.  I play things over and over in my head.  I know, I know guilty conscience.  With the way I grew up always,  I was always blamed for ruining everything and my parents lives:( So yes I stew, I fret and get physically ill over it.

3. The words GOD Da*#it.  Even tryping that was hard.  I can't stand those words.  They are the worse.  Any way in which someone uses the Lord's name in vain really really really bothers me but that one bothers me somethin fierce.  Is nothing sacred anymore:(

4. Cleaning out the fridge-Yes I HATE that job.  I seem to always find science experiments.  ICK!!!!

5. Ticks, leeches, maggots anything that sucks your blood or crawls under your skin.  I will have a complete and under break down. I only got a tick once in Nebraska and I was ready cut my leg off.  I know to most no big deal and I am good with all kinds of crazy nasty stuff but that I don't do.  Always been an irrational fear of mine.

Question of the day-Day 2 If you had $1000 dollars how would you spend it?

If you had an extra $1000 dollars to spend right now on yourself how would you spend it?

HMMMMMMM..... Lots of things sounds great!!

Lets see I would take a trip to Yellowstone.  I love Yellowstone. I lived near there for a few years and I worked on a pack string in back country of Yellowstone for a summer and fell in love.  It is such an amazing place.  It is full of so much beauty and so many neat things to see and do.  I would live there if I could:)  My husband on the other hand has never been:( He really needs to go.  I loved it in the fall.  It was so beautiful with all the leaves changing and the animals were really active getting ready for winter.  I would love to take him and show him this magical place. Go camp, hike and just enjoy this amazingly beautiful place that GOD made.  That is what I would do!!!

Back country Yellowstone helping pack up the mules(circa 2001)  This is lurch isn't he awesome!!!

Question a Day-Day 1 what is fall to me?

What is fall to me?? HMMMMMMM....

First I will say I LOVE LOVE LOVE FALL.  I love the warm days and cool nights.  I love the changing of the leaves, the colors, the celebration of a great harvest and the saying goodbye of a lot of things in nature for the winter.  Its like they are saying goodbye but remember us:)  It is the smell of wood stoves starting to be used again, it is bonfires with comfy sweaters, hot choc and pumpkin EVERYTHING:)  It is hunting season, pumpkin patches and best of all HALLOWEEN:)  I love to dress up and be someone I am not for a day:)
   Fall is a time of reminiscing of thought and contemplation for me.  It is a time of togetherness with those I love. I love to hear the leaves under my feet,  I love to hear the geese pass over as they head south for the winter, I love everything there is about fall!!!

Maroon bells 2012

31 random blog post questions for October

Sometimes it is hard to figure out something to write about.  sometimes nothing new is happening so I thought it be fun to do a 30 day challenge and y'all are welcome to copy and paste and try it out also.  Just some random things to blog about for the month of October:) 

1. What is fall to you? smells, colors, etc.
2. If you had an extra $1000 dollars to spend anyway you want right now how would you spend it?
3. 5 things that make you cringe?
4.  what was your last dream you remember?
5.  5 things you have learned this year
6. The last thing that made you cry
7. The last thing that made you smile
8. share some pet pictures and stories
9. What your Facebook status might be in 2018
10. what is one crafty thing you wish you could do or do better?
11. what kind of heart do you have? gypsy, kind, big, etc. 
12. Bad habits. Share yours.
13. Who people think you are, compared to who you really are
14.  Post a favorite quote
15. One place you have never been and why you wanna go there?
16.  Tell us about a person that helped you or inspires you
17. A movie you could watch over and over and a book or book series you could read over and over
18.  Share something random: a quote, a picture, etc.
19.  Favorite way or ways to spend a Sunday?
20. What does heaven look like to you?
21. One thing you could not live without?
22. Find your most popular blog post and then write a second series of it, or an update on it
23.  Your day in photos {take a photo every hour from wake to sleep}
24.  A favorite fall memory?
25. Share pictures or description of your dream home.
26. My husbands bday so I will share something to do with him:)  Tell me about your other half:)
27. Top 5: Share a post with the top 5 blogs you just can’t get enough of
28. Share the favorite room in your home, and why you love it
29.  Do you believe in ghosts??                                                                                                                                      30. Share pictures of you in Halloween costumes from through the year                                                31. Favorite Halloween memory

A life forever altered

I have always been strong, I have always been tough, I have always had high pain tolerance, I have always been hopeful and so much more.  But when I got sick with Tularemia in 2005 my life was altered.  I almost lost my life to that battle.  They couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, I was a pin cushion a science experiment and was told that I probably would die.  The LORD was with me for sure because by science they said I should have been dead.  There was no explanation for me living through that.  But I did. By the grace of GOD I did.  But since that I have never been the same. Debilitating fatigue, nausea, dizziness, blackouts, muscle fatigue, crippling joint and phantom pain.  I could go on and on.  I searched for answers and was told since they didn't know what the lasting effects of the Tularemia clinically would be I would just have to live with it and hopefully it would get better with time.  Well it didn't:(  It got worse and worse and worse.  I then got a goiter and the doctor then diagnosed me with hypothyroidism.  So I did pill treatments but didn't get better.  More pain, gained 72lbs in 3 months:(  My hair was falling out by the handful, I was a mess.  I felt like death and to be honest I wondered if I would die.  Finally a specialist said he would take out my thyroid.  It was simple they take it out I pop a pill everyday and life would be grand.....WELL THEY LIED!!!! I did have it taken out and the surgery didn't go well, came out of surgery and was moved with no meds from a screw up in OR, my calcium levels crashed and I was wobbly and weak and shaky.  A week later I got the call.  The doctor had told me before surgery you are young, this is routine be easy.  Well this call changed it all he said you have Hashimotos disease.  I didn't know what that was but he said since we took out your thyroid it doesn't matter( ANOTHER LIFE ALTERING LIE!!!!) But what came next was a shock not only to the doctor but us, they found cancer.  What??  Seriously how much can a person take?  They said I should do the radiation Iodine to make sure all the tissue was taken care of.  So we did.  Not fun.  Well that was in 2008.  Here is 2014 and I am still a mess,  I am still miserable.  I haven't been normal:(  I am sick day in and day out.  I suffer so many horrible things and then on top of that you ad having both my bicep tendons tore and repaired on that and it is prity unbearable most of the time.  I can't even describe the pain most of the time.  I just lay in my bed and tears stream down my face for hours on end.  No pain meds touch the pain:(  I can't work much and what I do work wipes me out!  I smile and try and keep going when inside I am struggling and hurting.  I have always been a go getter.  I have always pushed through pain, but this pain, these problems I physically can't do it.  I can't make my hands work when they don't want to, I can't lift more than a couple pounds, I can't hold a pencil sometimes, it is crazy!! 

It would be different if I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.  If there was a treatment and a cure.  It would be different if I could still do what I love even if I was in pain, It would be different if it didn't affect me in every way.  I feel so guilty that I can't work full time and help provide for our life, I feel so guilty I can't rough house and play with my nieces and nephews.  I feel so guilty that I am not able to participate in everything.  

This isn't something that will end for me.  There is no cure.  This does spread into other diseases, This affects every bit of my life.  This has crippled us financially and I have not been able to get the help I need.  They are concerned the cancer is back as am I:( But that doesn't make the insurance affordable or the doctors see you.  So for now I am scared, I am sad, I am in pain, I am miserable.   But I pray and I do the best that I can.  I try to be hopeful and I try to keep going.  I try to remember to be thankful.  I try to enjoy every moment that I can because I am scared it could all be over any minute.  

I know this is sad and I know I sound so unhappy but I wanted to be real.  I wanted to share my story, my struggle.  I know I am not alone in this.  I know others have their battles.  I just always want to be open and honest.  

YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!

So starbucks pumpkin cream cheese muffins are my favorite but kind of expensive and a lot of times they are out of them when I stop for those occasional treats.  Not to menchin I am suppose to be gluten free so I found a recipe for them and can alter it to gluten free flour:)  Can you say ECSTATIC!!!!!!!!  So had to take a picture of finished product and they were D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S!!!!

Get away

I am sure everyone goes through that time they just want to get away!!  I would love to get away.  Of course Yellowstone would be amazing, or grand canyon or something cool like that but really don't care where:)  Sometimes you just want to go and do something different and be somewhere different.  I wish my arms were better and I felt better I would volunteer to do a working vacation on a ranch, farm or something like that.  Just see something different, get my mind going a different direction.
  My handsomes new job is going well so far and he likes it so far.  Praying it is the one.  He does work long hours though.  Has been 12 hour days 6 days a week so far.  We need the hours now to make up for all that was lost to the last job so it is ok for now but I miss him and leaves me to much time just to sit and think.  To wonder, and ponder.  Which usually leads to wishing I could see different places.
   Once we get things under control we will get to look into insurance finally:)  Praying for a good affordable plan.  I need to have the ultrasounds to check and make sure the cancer has not returned and to get more tests to figure out the muscle fatigue and weakness.  Get my body going right direction.  That will be awesome.  Just need to find the right doctors that are versed in Hashimotos Disease and dealing with auto immune disorders.
   So for now I just day dream of visiting amazing places:)  Excited to see Fall starting to set in.  Makes me miss the aspens of Colorado though! But just love, love, love this season.

Expectations

This is something that has really hit my hard this year and I have been working on a lot. Yes in reality we should expect that people we love care, that when we need help people will be there, that people will treat us kind and with respect but in reality that isn't the case more often that not. This is a broken world and there are a lot of broken people in it. So in reality expectations are ours and ours only and we are putting those on others and setting ourselves up for failure. This is something I am really working on not only for myself but for my relationships with others!!!

GOD came through

As if there were a chance he wouldn't...GOD came through!!!  I wish I was one of those people with unwavering faith and could leave all worries or sadness with the LORD and I strive for that daily but I am not.  I worry incessantly about money, health, relationships, safety etc.  My life as many has had a lot of turmoil yes a lot self inflicted but a lot not!! and the stuff that was not self inflicted has damaged me in many, many ways!!  I had always said I was tough and strong and nothing could take me down but the past 5 years have shown me yes things can.  That I am not so tough and as tough as I was that in reality NO ONE is tough enough to deal with everything in this life.  It is only through GOD who strengthens us and guides us do we get through those horrible times and even the best of times.
  Recently it has been jobs and money of course that have been first and foremost worry since all that had been told and promised did not come through for Erics new job:(  He loved the job but it didn't pay the bills and the inusrance that was suppose to be there did not come:(  Again we were disapointed and let down:(  So we have been scrambling putting in applications and such trying find Eric a different job.  A CAREER!! LONG TERM that would meet all the right requirements(enough pay, insurance and a long future)  We then decided maybe it would be back to working out of state in oil fields.  So we lined up some interviews for that.  I know we have to do what we have to do but I still don't want him gone all the time:(  I prayed hard that the right thing would come along here or that magically this job would come through as they said it would.  But that didn't happen:(  But he got a call for a interview close to home with good pay yesterday, so he went and did interview.  Good job, good pay but no insurance:(  He offered Eric the job and called to talk to him for a while about it.  Eric told him the only thing he was worried about was not having insurance.  That with my health we couldn't keep putting it off:(  So Eric told him we talk and he would call him back.  We talked and decided with the unlimited hours he can work we would just get our own insurance and this way he be close to home.   So he called and spoke with them today they are extatic about Eric coming to work there and they even said they would call some brokers about insurance and see what they can do.  They seem very caring and down to earth.  I pray it is as good as it sounds and that finally Eric can be appreciated for his hard work and that people will do what they say they will do:)
  I just thank the LORD for a good job at just the right moment and for keeping my handsome home with me!!!  We NEEDED this soooooooooooooooo badly right now:)  Thanks to all that have prayed it pays off:)

Ice Bucket Challenge-Redneck style

So we were nominated by our nephew in nebraska to do the ALS Icebucket Challenge.  We decided to do it as a couple and in a little bit of a creative way.  What an awesome way to bring awareness and raise funds for something.  

The person you want to be

I use to be tough, I use to be strong, I use to be brave, I use to be a lot of things I am not now.  I find myself wanting the old me back!  I look back and it makes me sad to see the people and circumstances I let take that from me.  It makes me sad to see myself allowed to be broken, hurt and torn down.  It makes me sad, it makes me frustrated and lately it makes me angry!  But I think the angry is good because it is lighting and candle in me.  A candle I want to see grow into a bonfire!! I want to be strong, brave, tough and full of life.  People, Hashimotos and the nerve damage to my arms have taken SOOOOOOO MUCH!!! But I need to refuse to let it take it all.  Lately I have felt hopeless and sad and a lot of time that I were better off not even here:(  NO ONE should have to feel like that.  It is a dark, sad, lonely place:(  I need to realize my limitations but also push them a little.  I don't want to live my life sad, depressed and in fear allllll the time.  I am going to look back at the last 5 year and learn from it and try and be better.  I have learned no matter how tough someone is THEY CAN BE BROKEN!!! I have learned not to be so judgmental as we don't know everyone's story and can't see into there hearts and bodies at what is broken:(  I have learned compassion is needed in this world! I have learned so much.  It has been a tough time and not anything like I would want anyone to go through.  It is isn't over and everyday will be a battle for me for the rest of my life but I want to fight it.  I want to win it!!!  I know there will be good days and bad days and I know the Devil will try and make more of them bad but I refuse to let him win!!!  I am thankful for all who have been there and all who have prayed and been an encouragement.  That means more than they could ever know!!! I truly know who my friends are!! That was probably one of the hardest things I had to learn:(  People I thought were "family" and friends I thought I could trust:(  But it is what it is.  So I just need to learn from it.  Remind myself to be a great friend and loyal friend.  To learn from others mistakes and most of all my own.  We are not perfect and no one ever will be.  But we should always try to be better.  Try to be a light in this world!!!

If you don't have anything nice to say..........

You know that old saying if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all, well that has been life lately.  To say it has been trying lately is an understatement.  I know people just don't want to hear more whining and crying so I have tried to just keep quiet to be honest.  I just keep praying for some miraculous changes and help.  So hoping that the LORD shows me his plans and a future.
  It has been crazy busy summer.  I had been crazy busy with my bullet jewelry buisness but my arms were not able to keep up with it, the nerve pain got to intense and I was loosing use of my hands more often than not so I had to stop doing it:(  I was bummed as there was a prity big demand for it.  But I have had to learn the hard way these past few years that sometimes you have to know your limits and when enough is enough.  So I am just finishing up some custom orders and I am done.
    My husband had taken a huge leap of faith and took a job with a huge pay cut in hopes that at 90 days it would pay off for him.  Well he LOVES the job and the opportunities that have come from it but the 90 day review was huge disappointment.  They love him and want him to stay and want to give him some great responsibilities but the pay is beyond low for this type of mechanic work and does not include paying for health benefits.  So now he needs decide if he thinks sticking around will pan out in the end or if he needs to do something different.  If he stays we will have to make some MAJOR changes in our housing and life.  We don't have a lot and don't buy things on payments but everyday payments and housing is sooooooooooooooo expensive as everyone knows.  So not sure what will happen in the near future.
   So as you can see it has been trying and stressful so I have tried to just keep quiet.  But I didn't want anyone thinking I was done blogging:)  I appreciate all those that pray for us.  IT does help.  Living with Hashimotos is beyond frustrating and hard.  It affects every minute of your life.  It makes even the simplest things difficult and stress makes it all worse so thank you for those who are understanding and pray.  It MEANS MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW!!!

Crazy busy summer!!

I have lots we have done and I can write about but it has been so crazy busy I haven't had time!  We have prity much every weekend full till end of September.  It is full of time with friends, family and lots of other fun. This week we will be heading out for our big family-friend camping trip.  I am sure with this group there will be lots of fun, laughter and crazy memories:)  I will have to share more when we get back:)

Weekend at the Drag Races

So the company my husband works for has 3 drag racing trucks they use for advertising, testing and of course fun:)  This past weekend was NHRDA pacific diesel nationals.  It started out a little bummer since our fastest truck had a break down and didn't get to run:(  But in the end it turned out AWESOME.  The truck my husband had helped all week to upgrade won!!  We were so excited for the driver, the business and Eric was proud he could be a part of it!!  There is now talk he may be getting his own race truck to work on and drive:)  A great weekend that included drag racing, truck and tractor pulls, good times and camping!

The winning truck:)

 another of the Team that did prity well himself