The person you want to be

I use to be tough, I use to be strong, I use to be brave, I use to be a lot of things I am not now.  I find myself wanting the old me back!  I look back and it makes me sad to see the people and circumstances I let take that from me.  It makes me sad to see myself allowed to be broken, hurt and torn down.  It makes me sad, it makes me frustrated and lately it makes me angry!  But I think the angry is good because it is lighting and candle in me.  A candle I want to see grow into a bonfire!! I want to be strong, brave, tough and full of life.  People, Hashimotos and the nerve damage to my arms have taken SOOOOOOO MUCH!!! But I need to refuse to let it take it all.  Lately I have felt hopeless and sad and a lot of time that I were better off not even here:(  NO ONE should have to feel like that.  It is a dark, sad, lonely place:(  I need to realize my limitations but also push them a little.  I don't want to live my life sad, depressed and in fear allllll the time.  I am going to look back at the last 5 year and learn from it and try and be better.  I have learned no matter how tough someone is THEY CAN BE BROKEN!!! I have learned not to be so judgmental as we don't know everyone's story and can't see into there hearts and bodies at what is broken:(  I have learned compassion is needed in this world! I have learned so much.  It has been a tough time and not anything like I would want anyone to go through.  It is isn't over and everyday will be a battle for me for the rest of my life but I want to fight it.  I want to win it!!!  I know there will be good days and bad days and I know the Devil will try and make more of them bad but I refuse to let him win!!!  I am thankful for all who have been there and all who have prayed and been an encouragement.  That means more than they could ever know!!! I truly know who my friends are!! That was probably one of the hardest things I had to learn:(  People I thought were "family" and friends I thought I could trust:(  But it is what it is.  So I just need to learn from it.  Remind myself to be a great friend and loyal friend.  To learn from others mistakes and most of all my own.  We are not perfect and no one ever will be.  But we should always try to be better.  Try to be a light in this world!!!