I have found myself so many times wanting to write about things that are bugging me or that I am struggling with and then I stop myself because I don't want to sound like a whiner or a downer, but really to be honest I kind of started this blog so that I could write about my life as a whole. And really life has its ups and it has its downs. So I need to be more brave like some of my fellow bloggers and just write what is going on in this little head of mine.
It has been really hard the past couple weeks, I find myself sad and frustrated by so many things. I think part of not being able to just put a smile on my face and stay positive is that I feel so crappy physically. Everything has just been getting worse and worse and we just can't afford to get to the doctor. I know it is my health and that is important but if you can't you can't. So many people say well get on some disability or health help from the state and believe me I have tried, but our health care is broken!!!!!! Unless I get pregnant there is no programs out there for me right now. If anyone knows of something let me know and I will check into it. But with the Tularemia and cancer no insurance company wants to touch me for any amount of money and if they would it wouldn't cover anything but broken bones basically as the rest of the problems will be linked to the Tularemia and the cancer as that is how insurance companies get out of paying for it. Believe me I know I worked for an insurance company for 3 months and got a different job as I couldn't work for a place that screwed hard working people out of their money and did nothing for them!!!
I am still looking for work but with a 10% unemployment rate and living 40+ miles from town it has been hard to say the least. One office I interviewed at had 212 applicants and most of the others have had 60+ applicants. That is really hard to compete with. We are just lucky the housing and such comes with Eric's job so we barely scrape by to make it but then we have all the past medical bills and bills from when we lost the house so that keeps haunting us! So as you can see I feel overwhelmed and frustrated right now.
I pray about it and trust the LORD, but I know I am letting him down by still worrying about it. But it is soooooooo hard not to. I worry everyday that the cancer is back and that it is worse. But I just try to pray and keep my faith!
Sorry this is such a downer post but like I said life has its ups and downs and sometimes it is just nice to vent and get them off your chest, I appreciate everyone letting me do that. I have kept this blog private from my friends and most all my friends so that I can be free to really write without worry of what they will think or say. But honestly I find myself wondering what kind of friends are they if I can't share my struggles or feelings with them anyway. I know my family is not supportive or loving so I know better than to go to them with anything but it makes it very lonely.
I have lived out of state for almost 4 years now and have asked lots of friends and family to come visit and to come out for our wedding last September but only 3 have ever visited and no one made it out for the wedding. They all said they couldn't afford it but yet most all went on vacations instead to Vegas, Mexico, Florida, etc. That really hurts. I try to let it go, but it hurts. I am trying to just let all the hurt go as it doesn't hurt anyone but me!
You are not a downer! That is what is going on right now and I think telling the truth is better anyway. Here is some encouragement straight from Him:
ReplyDeleteIsaiah 40:18-31
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Blessings,
Kathy
Never forget that you are His treasure. His treasure.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are sad. I have had many down times in my life too. I don't have illness like you, but back in my 30's I had lots of pain and unexplained fevers and was eventually diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I still struggle with it and I can understand how hard it is to not feel good enough to do the things you want to do. A horribly depressing movie entitled, "the diving bell and the butterfly" was inspirational for me. It helped me appreciate what I have and making the most I can of it. Again, my prayers and sympathy go out to you.
And you are right, our medical system SUCKS. Most folks who aren't sick or have insurance through work think it is just fine, but those who buy there own or are sick no better.
Thank you TJandMark, I appreciate your prayers. I will have to find that movie. I know that I just need to give all my worries to the LORD and leave them there, but I just can't figure out how to do that:) That is part of growing him I guess.
ReplyDeleteI just keep putting them back in His care. I don't leave them there either! LOL.
ReplyDeleteSee if this helps: http://www.findahealthcenter.hrsa.gov/
ReplyDeletewow citygirl wish I had those oncologists. No we get collection calls on a daily basis from all them, I don't blame them they want there money and we intend to pay as we can but the stress of them calling everyday makes it all worse. I had thyroid cancer but still have complications with many things and they get worse as time passes.
ReplyDeleteThanks south dakota cowgirl I will check that out.