I have always struggled with this. My whole life I have always felt like I haven't mattered to anyone. I know I matter to my husband but I really have a hard time not mattering to others. I know that I should let that get me down or let that make me feel sad or insecure but to be honest it does. IT REALLY DOES!!! I just feel like if I was gone it wouldn't matter and that really hurts me!!! I know this is a downer subject but how else do we get to know ourselves and how to we get past things if we can't be honest about things!
I just look back through my life and I haven't really mattered to many people. Even my own parents. I was never a priority and if I was they made feel like crap for being a priority. Even "friends" I would try and be loyal do everything I could for them and they would betray me or drop out of my life when something better came a long. I am lucky to have my husband and my best friend Candi. Candi has never turned her back on me or made me feel bad for choices ever. She has loved me and been there no matter what. I am soooooooo very very blessed to have her but it is so hard to be so far from her. I feel so blessed to have her. But it is still hard when I look back and see how much of my heart I have given to others and they have just thrown it out when they didn't like something I did or when they found something more exciting in life to do. I look back and it was like I didn't even exist in their lives and that I didn't even matter:( I can't tell you how much that hurts!!!
I see people and friends who are surrounded by friends and family that love and adore them. Who get excited about them and the things they are doing in life. They celebrate exciting things with them with love, parties and such and they grieve with them when things are tough. They always have someone to turn to in times of need. I guess I feel jipped that Eric and I don't have that:( Really it probably is a blessing in disguise as it really has taught me to lean on GOD but it is sad also. I am not saying that everyone should agree with my decisions or that I am against their advice or anything because I need it and I respect it but I just wish they could love me and still tell you I told you so!
I just find myself not so excited about life:( I have never been like that and it makes me even sadder to feel like that. I just wish I had that "family" that would be excited with me and that would want to celebrate and grieve with me when I need it. TO BELONG!!!! I can't believe I am actually writing this but I can't seem to figure out how to keep from feeling like this but maybe acknowledging the feelings will help to break through them!!!
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Deeper blogging
I have found myself so many times wanting to write about things that are bugging me or that I am struggling with and then I stop myself because I don't want to sound like a whiner or a downer, but really to be honest I kind of started this blog so that I could write about my life as a whole. And really life has its ups and it has its downs. So I need to be more brave like some of my fellow bloggers and just write what is going on in this little head of mine.
It has been really hard the past couple weeks, I find myself sad and frustrated by so many things. I think part of not being able to just put a smile on my face and stay positive is that I feel so crappy physically. Everything has just been getting worse and worse and we just can't afford to get to the doctor. I know it is my health and that is important but if you can't you can't. So many people say well get on some disability or health help from the state and believe me I have tried, but our health care is broken!!!!!! Unless I get pregnant there is no programs out there for me right now. If anyone knows of something let me know and I will check into it. But with the Tularemia and cancer no insurance company wants to touch me for any amount of money and if they would it wouldn't cover anything but broken bones basically as the rest of the problems will be linked to the Tularemia and the cancer as that is how insurance companies get out of paying for it. Believe me I know I worked for an insurance company for 3 months and got a different job as I couldn't work for a place that screwed hard working people out of their money and did nothing for them!!!
I am still looking for work but with a 10% unemployment rate and living 40+ miles from town it has been hard to say the least. One office I interviewed at had 212 applicants and most of the others have had 60+ applicants. That is really hard to compete with. We are just lucky the housing and such comes with Eric's job so we barely scrape by to make it but then we have all the past medical bills and bills from when we lost the house so that keeps haunting us! So as you can see I feel overwhelmed and frustrated right now.
I pray about it and trust the LORD, but I know I am letting him down by still worrying about it. But it is soooooooo hard not to. I worry everyday that the cancer is back and that it is worse. But I just try to pray and keep my faith!
Sorry this is such a downer post but like I said life has its ups and downs and sometimes it is just nice to vent and get them off your chest, I appreciate everyone letting me do that. I have kept this blog private from my friends and most all my friends so that I can be free to really write without worry of what they will think or say. But honestly I find myself wondering what kind of friends are they if I can't share my struggles or feelings with them anyway. I know my family is not supportive or loving so I know better than to go to them with anything but it makes it very lonely.
I have lived out of state for almost 4 years now and have asked lots of friends and family to come visit and to come out for our wedding last September but only 3 have ever visited and no one made it out for the wedding. They all said they couldn't afford it but yet most all went on vacations instead to Vegas, Mexico, Florida, etc. That really hurts. I try to let it go, but it hurts. I am trying to just let all the hurt go as it doesn't hurt anyone but me!
It has been really hard the past couple weeks, I find myself sad and frustrated by so many things. I think part of not being able to just put a smile on my face and stay positive is that I feel so crappy physically. Everything has just been getting worse and worse and we just can't afford to get to the doctor. I know it is my health and that is important but if you can't you can't. So many people say well get on some disability or health help from the state and believe me I have tried, but our health care is broken!!!!!! Unless I get pregnant there is no programs out there for me right now. If anyone knows of something let me know and I will check into it. But with the Tularemia and cancer no insurance company wants to touch me for any amount of money and if they would it wouldn't cover anything but broken bones basically as the rest of the problems will be linked to the Tularemia and the cancer as that is how insurance companies get out of paying for it. Believe me I know I worked for an insurance company for 3 months and got a different job as I couldn't work for a place that screwed hard working people out of their money and did nothing for them!!!
I am still looking for work but with a 10% unemployment rate and living 40+ miles from town it has been hard to say the least. One office I interviewed at had 212 applicants and most of the others have had 60+ applicants. That is really hard to compete with. We are just lucky the housing and such comes with Eric's job so we barely scrape by to make it but then we have all the past medical bills and bills from when we lost the house so that keeps haunting us! So as you can see I feel overwhelmed and frustrated right now.
I pray about it and trust the LORD, but I know I am letting him down by still worrying about it. But it is soooooooo hard not to. I worry everyday that the cancer is back and that it is worse. But I just try to pray and keep my faith!
Sorry this is such a downer post but like I said life has its ups and downs and sometimes it is just nice to vent and get them off your chest, I appreciate everyone letting me do that. I have kept this blog private from my friends and most all my friends so that I can be free to really write without worry of what they will think or say. But honestly I find myself wondering what kind of friends are they if I can't share my struggles or feelings with them anyway. I know my family is not supportive or loving so I know better than to go to them with anything but it makes it very lonely.
I have lived out of state for almost 4 years now and have asked lots of friends and family to come visit and to come out for our wedding last September but only 3 have ever visited and no one made it out for the wedding. They all said they couldn't afford it but yet most all went on vacations instead to Vegas, Mexico, Florida, etc. That really hurts. I try to let it go, but it hurts. I am trying to just let all the hurt go as it doesn't hurt anyone but me!
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Christmas is almost here
I can't believe Christmas in 3 days. It always comes and goes so fast. This is our first married Christmas:) It has been a rough time for us though. We just don't seem to be getting anywhere in life. We are as broke as broke can be and with me feeling like crap everyday it makes it so hard to be cheery and that is what I want to be. I am so blessed to be married to my handsome and I am glad we will get to spend the holiday together as husband and wife. It is sad how many people can't wait for it to be over and can't get in the spirit. People just forget what it is really all about!!! Lord help remind us all:)
We did get a tree up and I did decorate as best as I can but we will not have any presents under our tree and we won't have anyone to spend the day with:( I know presents don't matter in the end but it is nice to give the ones you love a gift and my husband has been soooooo broken hearted that he can't even afford me a gift. That breaks my heart! He feels like a failure and that makes me sad.
I am still looking for work up here but it is hard to find anything that will pay for the drive to town from out here. And with my health no doing so great it makes it hard to be able to do a whole lot. SOOOOO Very frustrating. We just look around and wonder will we ever get out of debt and be able to afford the things we need!!!!
Sorry I am just really frustrated right now and need to talk and I don't have anyone to talk to so I am just going to write!! I don't need to be rich but when we need something it would be nice to be able to go and get it!! Like clothes, I have only one pair of pants that fit and most of my clothes are rags. It is hard to feel good about yourself as a woman when you look like the bag lady! We only have 1 chair in our living room and that is it, so one of us always has to lay on the floor. I know it will just help me to appreciate the things I have more and I know I shouldn't be complaining cause there are others out there who have it way worse, but it is just sad and frustrating to me.
My health just keeps getting worse and we can't afford the doctors. The doctor a couple weeks ago wants me to have an upper and lower scope as my stomach and such is giving me a lot of trouble. And my thyroid levels just won't level where they are suppose to so that is a constant battle. I have chest pains quite regularly and I get dizzy and have to sit down before I black out. SO as you can see a lot of frustration and being scared that maybe I won't wake up one of these days. Yes it gets so bad sometimes i am not sure if I am going to have a heart attack or something.
Enough of the venting. I am just blessed to have such an awesome husband and a LORD that loves me. I want to remember this Christmas is really about the LORD and not me and what I don't get. I just pray he will help to show us this coming year how to start doing better and not being saves to debt and such. We want to be debt free and be able to help those less fortunate when it is needed. I pray that everyone will have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS AND BLESSED NEW YEAR!!!!!
We did get a tree up and I did decorate as best as I can but we will not have any presents under our tree and we won't have anyone to spend the day with:( I know presents don't matter in the end but it is nice to give the ones you love a gift and my husband has been soooooo broken hearted that he can't even afford me a gift. That breaks my heart! He feels like a failure and that makes me sad.
I am still looking for work up here but it is hard to find anything that will pay for the drive to town from out here. And with my health no doing so great it makes it hard to be able to do a whole lot. SOOOOO Very frustrating. We just look around and wonder will we ever get out of debt and be able to afford the things we need!!!!
Sorry I am just really frustrated right now and need to talk and I don't have anyone to talk to so I am just going to write!! I don't need to be rich but when we need something it would be nice to be able to go and get it!! Like clothes, I have only one pair of pants that fit and most of my clothes are rags. It is hard to feel good about yourself as a woman when you look like the bag lady! We only have 1 chair in our living room and that is it, so one of us always has to lay on the floor. I know it will just help me to appreciate the things I have more and I know I shouldn't be complaining cause there are others out there who have it way worse, but it is just sad and frustrating to me.
My health just keeps getting worse and we can't afford the doctors. The doctor a couple weeks ago wants me to have an upper and lower scope as my stomach and such is giving me a lot of trouble. And my thyroid levels just won't level where they are suppose to so that is a constant battle. I have chest pains quite regularly and I get dizzy and have to sit down before I black out. SO as you can see a lot of frustration and being scared that maybe I won't wake up one of these days. Yes it gets so bad sometimes i am not sure if I am going to have a heart attack or something.
Enough of the venting. I am just blessed to have such an awesome husband and a LORD that loves me. I want to remember this Christmas is really about the LORD and not me and what I don't get. I just pray he will help to show us this coming year how to start doing better and not being saves to debt and such. We want to be debt free and be able to help those less fortunate when it is needed. I pray that everyone will have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS AND BLESSED NEW YEAR!!!!!
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