Our 1st Anniversary is almost here

I can't believe it is almost here! Our 1st anniversary is Sunday. I can't believe we are finally here. After everything we went through to have our wedding it is a miracle. We are just blessed that the LORD knew what was better for us than everyone else:) My life was truly changed and blessed when Eric came into my life. He is my knight in leather armor:)



I can't even begin to tell you how much I love this man. He is sweet, loving, hardworking, funny, and soooo understanding. He has had to deal with my family, his family, many many hospital trips and bills, and he has done it without being angry or upset with me. He has never made me feel bad or guilty. That may seem like that is the way it should be and yes it is but believe me it isn't always that way and in my life everyone before has always done that to me. I am the luckiest girl in the world to be married to such a man:) Not to menchin I think he is prity darn cute:)

I think we are going to head over to devils tower for a night and ride horses and such, then over to Custer state park SD to watch the buffalo round up. I know it will be a special time, just because we will be together and that is something to cherish:) OHHHHHHH and Eric took my wedding ring into get it sized so I will FINALLY get to wear it:) I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited can't you tell:)

Love having visitors:)

I just love the ranch life!!! I love even more sharing that ranch life with others. This past week we were so blessed to have some of my distant family visit. They loved seeing all the things we do on the ranch. We went out to check cows am & pm. They got to see how we weigh and ship out. But of course we had to ad some fun in there with trips to deadwood and Rushmore and such also. It was a blast!!!

I love seeing the awe in people faces when they see the ranch. When people come from big cities this much land seams endless to them:) We are blessed to live this life and so blessed to be able to work and play together:) Here are a few pictures of our fun:)

John and Kathy on our ranch

They loved their personal ranch vehicle:)

us gambling in deadwood-me the big spender of $4 but won $10

All of us at Mt. Rushmore

Where were you when the world stopped turning.....

I can't believe it has been 9 years since the attacks on 9-11. Where were you when it happened?

I was working at wild bunch ranch outside of driggs idaho, bordering the Teton mountains. Amazing views and an amazing job. I was working with wild animals that were raised for movies, picture, commercials, etc. I was out feeding and realized it was really quite for the morning as hot air balloons had been going over every morning for the last week and the airport didn't have any planes leaving it. Never really thought of why till the boss came out and told us of what was going on. Since we were living in the tipi at that time we of course didn't have power so we went into the boss house to watch some of the news. Just crazy!!!

so where were you???

Do you ever wonder if you matter.......

I have always struggled with this. My whole life I have always felt like I haven't mattered to anyone. I know I matter to my husband but I really have a hard time not mattering to others. I know that I should let that get me down or let that make me feel sad or insecure but to be honest it does. IT REALLY DOES!!! I just feel like if I was gone it wouldn't matter and that really hurts me!!! I know this is a downer subject but how else do we get to know ourselves and how to we get past things if we can't be honest about things!

I just look back through my life and I haven't really mattered to many people. Even my own parents. I was never a priority and if I was they made feel like crap for being a priority. Even "friends" I would try and be loyal do everything I could for them and they would betray me or drop out of my life when something better came a long. I am lucky to have my husband and my best friend Candi. Candi has never turned her back on me or made me feel bad for choices ever. She has loved me and been there no matter what. I am soooooooo very very blessed to have her but it is so hard to be so far from her. I feel so blessed to have her. But it is still hard when I look back and see how much of my heart I have given to others and they have just thrown it out when they didn't like something I did or when they found something more exciting in life to do. I look back and it was like I didn't even exist in their lives and that I didn't even matter:( I can't tell you how much that hurts!!!

I see people and friends who are surrounded by friends and family that love and adore them. Who get excited about them and the things they are doing in life. They celebrate exciting things with them with love, parties and such and they grieve with them when things are tough. They always have someone to turn to in times of need. I guess I feel jipped that Eric and I don't have that:( Really it probably is a blessing in disguise as it really has taught me to lean on GOD but it is sad also. I am not saying that everyone should agree with my decisions or that I am against their advice or anything because I need it and I respect it but I just wish they could love me and still tell you I told you so!

I just find myself not so excited about life:( I have never been like that and it makes me even sadder to feel like that. I just wish I had that "family" that would be excited with me and that would want to celebrate and grieve with me when I need it. TO BELONG!!!! I can't believe I am actually writing this but I can't seem to figure out how to keep from feeling like this but maybe acknowledging the feelings will help to break through them!!!

Health Frustrations!!!

So we have spent like around $2,500 on the last 3 doctor visits and still no answers!!! GRRRRRR!!! They are hoping it is just because my thyroid levels but it has been two years and they still haven't gotten them right. There is something that is causing that. I am tired, nauseous, and my hands and face go annoyingly numb. And that is just a few of the issues. I try to just ignore it and push through it but it makes it hard and things are really hard to enjoy when you feel so crappy!!!
I think what is even more frustrating is trying to find a doctor who actually cares and you are just not another number and to find one that will take what you say and try and figure it out not just blow it off. Especially when you don't have insurance and we have to pay all the visits out of pocket you don't want to be just waisting money.
My biggest concern is that the cancer will return or have spread. We just can't afford to go in for all the follow up tests every 6 months. Most of the doctors rely on the blood tests to reveal if there is cancer in the blood but I don't like that. As when they found my cancer they were shocked and had no idea. If I wouldn't have pushed to have my thyroid removed it would have been really advanced. I don't want to wait till cancer is to far advanced to find out. Everyone knows the earlier it is diagnosed the better chances of cure. I am not going to worry myself to death about it but I am not going to bury my head in the sand and assume it will never happen to me....Again!
I just really hope it is just getting my thyroid meds right and then...poof....feel great again:)

Holding back..just random thoughts

I still hold back a lot of things that I want to write. I feel bad about whining or that I am just being a downer but really it is just about getting my thoughts out there and sharing my struggles and I so love hearing feedback.


I have just really been struggling this past year with feeling so restless and unhappy. I have lost a lot of hope in myself, people, etc. I have never been one to feel that way in even the most impossible of situations. So for me it has been really really tough!! I just hate feeling like there is nowhere to go or no way to change the rut or path we are on. I know it is easy to say anyone can change their lives or it is just you got to do it. But really it isn't that easy. I am not afraid of hard work or challenges or at least I never have been before. But now I really feel trapped. I wonder if I really am suppose to be doing something different or if I am just fighting what the LORD has for me here. Honestly there are a lot of things that I think I would love and be good at but really no way to get there. Some people have great talents or certain qualities that make it so they can advance in jobs and life. But me really...... nothing!! I am not saying I am stupid or worthless or anything of the sort so please don't misunderstand me but I don't have any real talents and I am not really smart in any kind of field or such so I just really don't know what I can do to change my status. I am not saying I give up hope and I am not saying there is anything necessarily wrong with my life or such but I just don't fell like I fit in it. Does anyone else feel like they don't fit in their life???

The only thing I am sure about and know in my heart is where I belong is by Eric's side, but the rest is all in the air:) I am not sure if I should stay ranching, if there is a ministry that I should be working in, if I should be living somewhere else, or really anything. I have spent a lot of time in prayer asking GOD to show me where he would have me and what he wants me to be doing! Guess I just need to be patient and see what he has in store for me:) As you can see I am not very patient:)

I guess I just really wonder where I belong here. So many people have family and friends that are their world. Some have their careers and such. Other than Eric I feel very lonely. Me and Eric don't have families we can lean on and we don't have a lot of friends that are true friends. In life it is hard to find TRUE friends. The ones that will stick with you through it all. Ones that will be honest but love you anyways. The couple of friends I have like that I cherish with all my heart. They all live in different states and it is so hard being away from them. I have always been a people person and always been one to go and do. So it is hard not to have that. I thought I would get use to it but I seem to get more and more restless everyday!!! I feel so bad for Eric having to deal with me:) He does so much and the last couple of weeks has been a blast with him going to Sturgis, the fair, concerts and so many other fun, cheap things in our area:) I love it!!!

Sorry this was long and kind of rambling but hey this is just a place to get it all out right:)

We made it through the first Sturgis Motorcycle ralley....

Me on our friend Billys bike:)

So now that we live near sturgis only about 25 miles east of it we figured we better see what the ralley is all about and we fell in love!! I loved it. I loved seeing all the different bikes and how people had customized them. I also loved all the concerts and fun dancing. I am very tired though. We made it to everyday of the ralley and a few days before for atleast part of the day between work. I have to say that I expected it to be a lot different. Everyone said you would see all this dirty, weird things and to be honest not really any of that. Not to say some of the ways people dressed wasn't a little crazy but no full nudity or anything like that. Which I very much appreciated:)

I will say I was shocked the shear size of this event. This town is little and nothing goes on most the rest of the year. It transformed into the biggest thing ever and tehy say there were probably around 700,000 here this year for the 70th anniversary. CRAZY!!!!! Can't wait for next year but we would like to have a motorcycle:) I know keep dreaming:)

Here are a few pics.......

the town a couple days before

as the craziness started!!

My favorite motorcycle:)