I have started a grief class. Not a someone died grief class, but life grief class!! It is for learning how to grieve losses in life. Losses like: loss of relationships, lost childhood. loss of innocence, loss of freedom, etc. It is a VERY hard class. But it is good. But also bringing up even more than I knew. I have been so deeply hurt in life and had some horrific things happen and obviously I haven't dealt with them or learned how to. I thought just putting on a smile and being "tough" was the answer but I am finding out in every way that is NOT the answer. It is destroying me! I am a mess emotionally and physically:( I need to learn how to actually heal and move on. Which I am not sure how to do.
I am FAR from perfect for sure. But I have never done anything to deserve a lot of the really bad things that have happened. I know, I know stop playing the victim! I am soooooo tired of hearing that. Not for me only but for so many. People that have been through hard things should be able to feel bad, feel hurt, feel angry, feel violated, expect justice. But NO we make them feel like they are weak, like they complain to much, etc. We make them feel worse in an already hard hurtful time! Just because we don't understand or think we could have done it better doesn't make someones else pain unreasonable or wrong.
I don't want to feel like this!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE UNHAPPY, FRUSTRATED, SAD, ANGRY, HURT, ETC!!!!!!!!! I DON'T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But just saying I don't and trying to be positive doesn't work!!! I am trying to claw my way out of the depths. To see a way to keep going, to honestly see a reason to keep going. At this point the only reason I stick around is to not disappoint GOD. I don't see a reason to be here. I am worthless and a waste of air. I am in more pain than I can bear EVERY single day, I am dizzy, nauseous, exhausted, muscles spasms, etc. I can't hardly function and hard to take care of myself physically. I push through and keep trying my hardest but my body won't do it no matter what my brain tells it!! I can't work, I can't think straight some days, I can't keep everything up around the house. So at this point it is a VERY DARK AND DEEP hole that I am not sure how to get out of.
I will be 39 in a couple weeks. I am 39 and have no job, no career, no husband, no children and no real connection in this world. I am worried that since the divorce I am permanently broken. When Eric gave up on me that was the most heart breaking thing I have ever had to endure. I would go through anything again besides that. He was the one person in the world I thought would never give up on me:( He walked away without a second thought and had another woman living in our house within 6 months:( My heart shattered and I am not sure it will ever be the same again. He was my everything! I loved him more deeply than I thought possible! Now I find I can't feel that feeling with anyone or anything! I love my current boyfriend but I find myself holding back. I feel like if Eric could give up on me after all he watched me go through and all we went through together that no one can love me. Not the forever kind of love at least! My medical issue are TOOOOO MUCH!!! To expensive and to hard!!! I lost the love of my life and I have not let myself really truly feel it completely or dealt with it. It is to much:( So hopefully this class helps me to start to heal. To show me the ways to let the LORD heal me. To learn to truly forgive and to heal!
I just want to find a purpose and peace in this world. I am trying even in my sadness and hurt to do better and be better.
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