Holding back..just random thoughts

I still hold back a lot of things that I want to write. I feel bad about whining or that I am just being a downer but really it is just about getting my thoughts out there and sharing my struggles and I so love hearing feedback.


I have just really been struggling this past year with feeling so restless and unhappy. I have lost a lot of hope in myself, people, etc. I have never been one to feel that way in even the most impossible of situations. So for me it has been really really tough!! I just hate feeling like there is nowhere to go or no way to change the rut or path we are on. I know it is easy to say anyone can change their lives or it is just you got to do it. But really it isn't that easy. I am not afraid of hard work or challenges or at least I never have been before. But now I really feel trapped. I wonder if I really am suppose to be doing something different or if I am just fighting what the LORD has for me here. Honestly there are a lot of things that I think I would love and be good at but really no way to get there. Some people have great talents or certain qualities that make it so they can advance in jobs and life. But me really...... nothing!! I am not saying I am stupid or worthless or anything of the sort so please don't misunderstand me but I don't have any real talents and I am not really smart in any kind of field or such so I just really don't know what I can do to change my status. I am not saying I give up hope and I am not saying there is anything necessarily wrong with my life or such but I just don't fell like I fit in it. Does anyone else feel like they don't fit in their life???

The only thing I am sure about and know in my heart is where I belong is by Eric's side, but the rest is all in the air:) I am not sure if I should stay ranching, if there is a ministry that I should be working in, if I should be living somewhere else, or really anything. I have spent a lot of time in prayer asking GOD to show me where he would have me and what he wants me to be doing! Guess I just need to be patient and see what he has in store for me:) As you can see I am not very patient:)

I guess I just really wonder where I belong here. So many people have family and friends that are their world. Some have their careers and such. Other than Eric I feel very lonely. Me and Eric don't have families we can lean on and we don't have a lot of friends that are true friends. In life it is hard to find TRUE friends. The ones that will stick with you through it all. Ones that will be honest but love you anyways. The couple of friends I have like that I cherish with all my heart. They all live in different states and it is so hard being away from them. I have always been a people person and always been one to go and do. So it is hard not to have that. I thought I would get use to it but I seem to get more and more restless everyday!!! I feel so bad for Eric having to deal with me:) He does so much and the last couple of weeks has been a blast with him going to Sturgis, the fair, concerts and so many other fun, cheap things in our area:) I love it!!!

Sorry this was long and kind of rambling but hey this is just a place to get it all out right:)

Do you ever think you can do so much more....

I have been struggling with this for years and it just keeps getting more intense. I want to do more in this world. I want to do more for the LORD in this world!!! I want to leave this world knowing I lead others to the way, the truth and the life. I have had a huge dream my entire life of owning a ranch and rescuing animals and using them to help people and children. They have so much they can teach us and so much love to give. I really want to specialize in horses but know that cats and dogs and such would have some places to:) I even in 2006 visited crystal peaks youth ranch in sisters Oregon and did a informational clinic on starting my own ranch. It was the most amazing experience and it just really filled me more with this want and need to do this. If you don't know about crystal peaks you need to check out their website and read Kim's books, they are amazing!!!! http://www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org/default.aspx

I just hate that the only thing that keeps me from doing this is money. I don't have the money to start something like this. I know that it can be done but I just don't know how to go about doing it. There are other things that stop me to and I know things that I will need to deal with. But I just really need to pray on it and trust GOD has my life all worked out:)

Another thing that stops me is guilt:( 10 months ago I gave my two horses(my babies) to a youth rescue ranch. It broke my heart into a million pieces and even now as I write this I cry. But with all the bills and medical bills from the surgery and cancer we were falling to far behind and were going to loose our house so we found a job with housing on a ranch 4 1/2 hours away. I thought it would get better but it didn't it got worse, we got to the ranch and the owner hated horses and wanted me to keep them in a 400 acre pasture 2 miles from the house with no shelter. I was very unhappy about this and with my one being 23 I knew it would not be fair to her and that the winter would be way to hard. We didn't have anywhere else to go and I knew it was the decision I would have to make:( MY HEART IS BREAKING ALL OVER AGAIN WRITTING THIS:( But I got a gift from God of a christian youth ranch that could take them. I drove them the 8 hours to the place. It was a beautiful place and I knew it was going to be a great home and they would be able to take great care of them, but when I went to leave they were whinnying and trying to follow me, it broke my heart into a million pieces and believe me I asked GOD why?? I still trust someday I will see the why? I would have gone without food and medicine for them to have all their needs met and believe me I did at times. But now I find it hard to want to do it all again. And then to want to rescue others and help them when I couldn't even my own:( I definitely won't make that commitment again till I know that I can and keep it!!!!
So as you can see I am torn.....SO TORN!!!!! I will just keep praying and see where GOD leads me. Maybe he has totally different plans for me! I just trust he knows best!!!!