I still hold back a lot of things that I want to write. I feel bad about whining or that I am just being a downer but really it is just about getting my thoughts out there and sharing my struggles and I so love hearing feedback.
I have just really been struggling this past year with feeling so restless and unhappy. I have lost a lot of hope in myself, people, etc. I have never been one to feel that way in even the most impossible of situations. So for me it has been really really tough!! I just hate feeling like there is nowhere to go or no way to change the rut or path we are on. I know it is easy to say anyone can change their lives or it is just you got to do it. But really it isn't that easy. I am not afraid of hard work or challenges or at least I never have been before. But now I really feel trapped. I wonder if I really am suppose to be doing something different or if I am just fighting what the LORD has for me here. Honestly there are a lot of things that I think I would love and be good at but really no way to get there. Some people have great talents or certain qualities that make it so they can advance in jobs and life. But me really...... nothing!! I am not saying I am stupid or worthless or anything of the sort so please don't misunderstand me but I don't have any real talents and I am not really smart in any kind of field or such so I just really don't know what I can do to change my status. I am not saying I give up hope and I am not saying there is anything necessarily wrong with my life or such but I just don't fell like I fit in it. Does anyone else feel like they don't fit in their life???
The only thing I am sure about and know in my heart is where I belong is by Eric's side, but the rest is all in the air:) I am not sure if I should stay ranching, if there is a ministry that I should be working in, if I should be living somewhere else, or really anything. I have spent a lot of time in prayer asking GOD to show me where he would have me and what he wants me to be doing! Guess I just need to be patient and see what he has in store for me:) As you can see I am not very patient:)
I guess I just really wonder where I belong here. So many people have family and friends that are their world. Some have their careers and such. Other than Eric I feel very lonely. Me and Eric don't have families we can lean on and we don't have a lot of friends that are true friends. In life it is hard to find TRUE friends. The ones that will stick with you through it all. Ones that will be honest but love you anyways. The couple of friends I have like that I cherish with all my heart. They all live in different states and it is so hard being away from them. I have always been a people person and always been one to go and do. So it is hard not to have that. I thought I would get use to it but I seem to get more and more restless everyday!!! I feel so bad for Eric having to deal with me:) He does so much and the last couple of weeks has been a blast with him going to Sturgis, the fair, concerts and so many other fun, cheap things in our area:) I love it!!!
Sorry this was long and kind of rambling but hey this is just a place to get it all out right:)
First of all, YES, I have felt all my life that I don't really fit in. I have another friend who feels the same way. We really are all islands only connected by Love. More love, more connections. But still you may always feel a bit alone. I like you, am very close to my hubby, but often have felt just like you and he has had to put up with me. LOL. And he does and I will say it gets easier. Trust, love, live in the moment as much as you can. Don't push ahead of God. If He hasn't told you anything new, stay put and in most instances He will lead your hubby if he is listening. That way you don't have to stress about it.
ReplyDeleteI would say you are an artist. You have the temperament for it. Start dabbling, like blogging, in artistic pursuits. It really helps somehow.
I agree with Tj and Mark, that sometimes God with lead you hubby and you can just follow.
ReplyDeleteAlso, waiting on God is one of the hardest things to do! For me it was with horses. It took a year of waiting before God showed my mom what barn I needed to be at. I just wanted to find a barn in a month! God knows best.
Sarah