Do you ever wonder if you matter.......

I have always struggled with this. My whole life I have always felt like I haven't mattered to anyone. I know I matter to my husband but I really have a hard time not mattering to others. I know that I should let that get me down or let that make me feel sad or insecure but to be honest it does. IT REALLY DOES!!! I just feel like if I was gone it wouldn't matter and that really hurts me!!! I know this is a downer subject but how else do we get to know ourselves and how to we get past things if we can't be honest about things!

I just look back through my life and I haven't really mattered to many people. Even my own parents. I was never a priority and if I was they made feel like crap for being a priority. Even "friends" I would try and be loyal do everything I could for them and they would betray me or drop out of my life when something better came a long. I am lucky to have my husband and my best friend Candi. Candi has never turned her back on me or made me feel bad for choices ever. She has loved me and been there no matter what. I am soooooooo very very blessed to have her but it is so hard to be so far from her. I feel so blessed to have her. But it is still hard when I look back and see how much of my heart I have given to others and they have just thrown it out when they didn't like something I did or when they found something more exciting in life to do. I look back and it was like I didn't even exist in their lives and that I didn't even matter:( I can't tell you how much that hurts!!!

I see people and friends who are surrounded by friends and family that love and adore them. Who get excited about them and the things they are doing in life. They celebrate exciting things with them with love, parties and such and they grieve with them when things are tough. They always have someone to turn to in times of need. I guess I feel jipped that Eric and I don't have that:( Really it probably is a blessing in disguise as it really has taught me to lean on GOD but it is sad also. I am not saying that everyone should agree with my decisions or that I am against their advice or anything because I need it and I respect it but I just wish they could love me and still tell you I told you so!

I just find myself not so excited about life:( I have never been like that and it makes me even sadder to feel like that. I just wish I had that "family" that would be excited with me and that would want to celebrate and grieve with me when I need it. TO BELONG!!!! I can't believe I am actually writing this but I can't seem to figure out how to keep from feeling like this but maybe acknowledging the feelings will help to break through them!!!

A Introduction to my little family:)UPDATED PHOTOS 1/21

Just thought I should take a few minutes and introduce you to my little family. It is just me and my new husband with four legged kids:) They keep us busy and laughing all the time.

First I will introduce you to Eric, (you will hear me refer to him as handsome also:))he is my world and the most amazing man I know. We met online little over 3 years ago, yes online!!! We were both on a horse website that you could chat on, I used it to talk to with people I had worked on ranches with. And we just started talking and he was everything I had always prayed for:) We have been through a lot together from crappy families to me being sick all the time, to me being diagnosed with thyroid cancer and prity much loosing everything since we didn't have insurance and never once has he made me feel bad or like he wished it was different. GOD knew me when he picked Eric:) He is an extremely funny man that loves the ranch life. He use to bull ride some and wants to learn to rope well. He is extremely mechanical and can fix prity much anything.

The below pictures is from our wedding September:)

Picture of Eric I took and won a photo contest with!!

One of our engagement pictures that I took!

Next up I will introduce our three dogs:) They are the three stooges for sure and so different in kind, color and personality.

First up is our youngest...Bear. He is a pure bred golden retriever. He was Eric's dog when I met him. He got a staff infection from a scratch when he was a the breeders as a pup. They finally took him to the vet and that is when they didn't want to stick with treating him so Eric offered to take him. He spent the first like 4 months of his life in the vet. His face and head swelled huge and that is why you will see in the pictures it looks like he has mange around his eyes and nose, the hair never grew back because of the fevers. But he is I believe 5 now and full of energy. Goes all day long and favorite is to chase the deer everywhere, and then take a bath in what ever water is available. Which I mommy don't like him taking off:) Very protective mom:)

He sure loves his pool!! yes it is his own personal pool!!

Next is our second oldest Kohanna. He is a malamute-wolf cross I got when he was 6 weeks old. He will turn 10 in July. His first house was the Tipi I lived in Idaho for 3 years. He loved it and I think he wishes we still lived in it:) He is a model baby as my husband calls him. He loves to talk and howl at everyone. He likes the finer things in life:) He sits with his legs crossed and Eric calls him a sissy, I say he is sophisticated.

Here he is baby Kohanna trying to get out of the Tipi:)

Bear and Kohanna trying to fit in bears medium sized kennel in the truck!! They are such nerds:)

Then there is old man Reks. I don't know how old he is probably 12+ years old. He is a German Shepherd-rottweiler mix. He was a dog that a neighbor had and was scared of so she asked if we wanted him since he got along sowell with Kohanna. I don't know why she was scared of him he is the sweetest. But he did have seizures at stress and such so I called the humane society where he came from as I was working at the vet at the time and they informed me he was used as a bait dog for fighting ring. So that explained his being scared of other dogs till we got to know them, his teeth were filed way down and his seizures. It took quite a few years but he is mostly over his fear of someone hurting him and we found out about the same time as I did about mine that he had low thyroid and that is why he was going bald and lethargic. Man some thyro tabs and he is like a new dog:) He is not photogenic but he is a cutie:)

oh he gets so embarrassed in his sweater:)

He is my shadow, gotta go everywhere with me!!!

Next is the Kitty's.

First Cat is Target, she is long haired Tiger striped cat that ways about 14lbs or so. She almost looks like a manecoon. She is about 5 or so and is still very playful and loves attention. She was a barn cat at the elk ranch and hung out in my horse barn away from all the others. One day she went missing for a few days and when she returned her rear foot was all swollen and abscessed. We aren't sure what happened, but we had to have one of her toes amputated and she had to become and indoor kitty for infection purposes for a while, well after she was all healed I loved her and she loved being inside with me so that is how I got her.

I'm Ready for my close up!!!!

Then there is the newest addition to the family and I so wish I could have pics because he is hilarious. It is Tonka a dark orange tabby cat. He is about 7 weeks old or so now and a spit fire. He is going to be a handful. If he gets in trouble he gets mad and thinks he is going to put you in your place, well wrong but he tries:) Him and Target have a love hate relationship so far. He loves her, she hates him. She looks like a bobcat whenever he comes near her. But hopefully they will learn to get a long so she won't be so lonely.

Tonka at two weeks old when we picked him out

I give, I give, Don't shoot:) Tonka at 5 weeks when we got him

Well this spring we will probably ad a few more family members and I will keep you updated.