Lots of catching up to do!!!

I haven't given up on the blog I promise.  I have just been battling my health HORRIBLY and with it has come SEVERE brain fog and my motor skills are not the best for typing so I have been putting it off:(  But I miss it and miss keeping up on everyone elses lives.  I want to get going on it again but it will have to be in short, sporadic bursts!  I just have to do a little as I can.  I am finding myself very frustrated and overwhelmed with the health stuff.  But trying to have a little fun here and there when I can.   I will try and post some pictures and back stories of some of our summer adventures soon.

I have finally gotten insurance as of April and we are working with quite a few doctors to try and get my health and quality of life better.  We have gone through some nightmare doctors and luckily now seem to have a good one.  It is just hard with the health care so flooded with us sickly people:(  I am seeing a functional medicine doctor and she has been working with me on my Hashimotos.  But she is trying to find the root cause of the hashis.  So in all of our digging she believes it may have come from Lymes disease so we are doing a lot of testing for that.  But in the digging I was told last week that I have Tularemia again:(  I almost died from it in 2005.  It is rare and they had a hard time figuring out what was wrong with me:( But once you are cured from it you aren't suppose to be able to get it again as it is like having a vaccine:(  So now I will be headed to the science university to treat it and figure out how I contracted it again or if it somehow was dormant:(  It is a very very horrible disease:(  So for now I am on a lot of antibiotics which with my body make me extremely ill:(  But I am just praying, trying to stay as positive as possible and reminding myself live every day as full as I can.

Well I will try and catch up on some posts soon:)

Life

I know I don't keep up on here much anymore.  As I have struggled with in the past I just want to keep things positive and not be negative on here all the time. But in reality that isn't always possible and is not being transparent. Life has its ups and downs and some of them last a while.

  My favorite blogs are from people who are so transparent, open and share all of what life shows them and teaches them.  That is how I wanna be.  I have learned so much from others in the good and the bad they share.  I have learned form there thankfulness, gratefulness, challenges, etc.  I hope in some way I can help others like that.  I know we are not alone in struggles in this world.  I know there is always someone going through more and worse.  There is always something to be grateful for.   But it s good to be able to write the good, the bad and all experiences.  It helps to be able to go back and see growth, patterns, etc.  It also helps when fellow bloggers offer love, suggestions and such.

 It has been a rough go since November with all the crud my bio dad coming back has brought up.  The rifts it has caused in our family.  The very very horrible memories it has brought up from the past.  This man has done horrific things not only to me but others.  That is hard to deal with to be honest.  I am so broken hearted for all he has done to others.  I know it isn't my doing and his actions are his but it breaks my heart that others have to go through the hurt and pain that I had to go with and have had to live with my whole life.  The only thing I can control is me and my reaction and what I allow in my life.  So I have had to make tough choices on some friends and family that I allow in my life. It is hard and sad but I am finding that it is the right choice.  I need to value myself and my well being a lot more than I have.

  I will try and right more often.  To share the good, the fun and the hard.  I love reading everyone's blogs and I love hearing from others. Thanks for all that take the time to read my blog:)

Need to Catch up

I haven't even had time to catch up on home stuff since returning from Arizona and have severely neglected my blog:(  I had a great time in Arizona at the show.  It was A LOT of hard work but it was a great time.  Who wouldn't love to work around all those amazing horses:)  Got to meet lots of people from lots of places.  Love watching all the horses doing so many different disciplines.  I love how versatile the Arabians are.  And of course who doesn't love warm and sunny weather:)

We got home a week and a half ago but we are changing barn staff at work so it has been a lot of interviewing and work to get caught up from being gone.  But it is nice to have a few extra hours for income:)  That I do like:)  We have been getting pictures and videos done of new filly and few others we have to market.  Lots of things to do on the farm:)

I am working on trying to get some reading done on y'alls blogs to:)  I am sorry  I am so distracted and don't keep up enough.

Hitting the Road Finally

Well we will be leaving the farm at 4am tomorrow.  We have had a lot going on at the farm and are leaving a few days late.  We will be heading down to southern california to drop a horse off and then across to Scottsdale for the big Arabian Show.  I am soooooooooooo excited to see all the horses.  We will be there with Q Nine selling presentation sets and halter stuff.  It is going to be a lot of work but a lot of fun at the same time. We will be gone almost 3 weeks so I am going to miss my handsome and all my critters tons. The dogs will be going to work with Eric during the day so that will be fun for them:)  Well if any of you are attending the Scottsdale Arabian Show stop by the Q nine booth at Wendell arena and say hello:)

Little over a week

In little over a week I will be hitting the road for Scottsdale Arizona.  I will be going down to work. We are going to have booth at the Scottsdale Arabian Horse Show. We will have one filly being shown in the show and we will have a foal being born sometime while we are down there that we will get to see:)  It is going to be a lot of work but it is going to be a GREAT time:)  We will be driving down with a horse so we we will stop over in California and then keep going next day.  The show runs 2 weeks.  We will get there and set up before the show and then take down when it ends have one day off and then head home.  So lots to do!!
  I am just trying to get all settled here at home for my husband and get all the critters stuff ready for while I am gone and then trying get all set at the farm for while we are gone.  I know I will have a great time but it is stressful preparing!
  I can't wait to see all the horses, meet lots of new people and I am excited to see some friends that have recently moved down there:)  I can't wait to share pictures and stories from the trip:)

Stuck

I just feel stuck.  I feel stuck in my life and I really don't know how to get unstuck.  I think my 4 wheel drive is broken:(  I am praying and just taking some time to really think on some things. On my health, my career, etc.  I have been working out with family at a local studio 4-5 times a week.  It feels good to be active in my brain for sure but my arms are making it VERY difficult to say the least:(  But I am just pushing on and will see what happens. I am definitely tired of being obese and want to get healthy. I want to feel good in my own skin, in my clothes. I want to feel good inside an out.  So I am trying to do the best I can.  I have always been super competitive and I tend to push supper hard so I am fighting myself not to overdo it and not to bash myself because I can't do enough. So trying to find balance.
 I am trying to make a decision whether to say at my current job or not.  There is a lot going on there and I feel like I could do more else where.  I feel like I could do better financially and performance wise some where else.  But I do love the horses and I do love some of the people I work with.  I love the farm dearly!  But I am just not sure it is the right fit for me.  I will keep praying and  thinking on it.
  We are trying to decide on if we want to make Oregon permanent or not.  I don't think it will be.  We are both tired of moving but I don't want to just stay because I don't want to move.  I want to live where "home" is.  Where we are happy, healthy and living life to its fullest.  I don't believe that is Oregon. To be honest I think it sucks the life out.  It is a beautiful state and lots to offer but I would like a slower paced life, less people and definitely less outside drama from family and such. Honestly the only thing holding me here is my old horse.  I don't want to uproot her again with her anxiety issues and move her to more severe climates.  But I am starting think we need to look at options of moving and finding a good place for her wherever we go.  She is old but she could live a lot more years possibly to:)  I hope so:)  Love that ole girl!!
   I want to get back to being excited about life.  Get back to loving all the simple things.  To appreciating every little thing this world has to offer.  I am trying to remember gratitude and attitude go a long ways:)  I just want to quit being STUCK!

Family Secrets

Well I wrote on this a little bit back in November before Thanksgiving but I wanted to do a little update as this is something that has affected my life in a big way.  My bio dad had come back into the picture after 20 years of no one hearing from him and after almost 30 years of not being in my life at all except one letter when I was 14 and then him stalking at times.  He is a VERY VERY VERY bad person and a very dangerous person.  He beat my mom badly, he threatened to kill her, he cheated, he stole, and on and on and on.  So NOT a good person.  I am actually thankful he stayed gone for so long and sadly wish he had continued that.  He is very manipulative and can lie his way into a lot of things.
   My grandparents and aunt bought his I have changed, I have repented BS hook line and sinker.  It has caused a huge rift between all of us:(  He told them he came here because he wanted family and wanted to be "home" again.  Well I did some research of my own and that isn't the truth at all:(  I can't go into all the details but it is really bad and I am just shocked and horrified to say the least:( I knew in my gut he didn't have good intentions and I am sorry but someone with pure Evil in his heart can't change that.  That man is EVIL!
  I am broken hearted that it destroyed the relationship with me and my grandparents but we all make our choices and they have made theirs:(  I know it is their son and I am sure it hurts deeply to not have had him in their lives, but they choose that because of how horrible he was, the lying he did, how dangerous he was.  But they seem to forget all that:(  I just don't know how they think it is ok for him to just walk back in our lives and he had told them not to even tell us kids they were in contact.  I don't know how they thought that was ok and then I find out I have a half sister.  She is VERY young and she doesn't even know about me and my brother:(  How could he keep that from her?  And my grandparents think that is all ok.  They say we are called to forgive and they are going to forgive and walk in love.  Ok I get we are called to forgive and I will forgive but that does not mean we have to allow that person into our lives and it sure doesn't mean we don't proceed with caution with people that have a habit of doing bad things over and over and over for over 50 years.
   I know its very vague but there is a lot I just can't talk about and really it is stuff people shouldn't have to think about or go through.  I am just trying to process everything and move on.  I will not let him consume my life and everyone makes their choices and so I will accept them and move on.
   I want to concentrate on a better, happier, healthier me in 2015:)