Health Frustrations!!!

So we have spent like around $2,500 on the last 3 doctor visits and still no answers!!! GRRRRRR!!! They are hoping it is just because my thyroid levels but it has been two years and they still haven't gotten them right. There is something that is causing that. I am tired, nauseous, and my hands and face go annoyingly numb. And that is just a few of the issues. I try to just ignore it and push through it but it makes it hard and things are really hard to enjoy when you feel so crappy!!!
I think what is even more frustrating is trying to find a doctor who actually cares and you are just not another number and to find one that will take what you say and try and figure it out not just blow it off. Especially when you don't have insurance and we have to pay all the visits out of pocket you don't want to be just waisting money.
My biggest concern is that the cancer will return or have spread. We just can't afford to go in for all the follow up tests every 6 months. Most of the doctors rely on the blood tests to reveal if there is cancer in the blood but I don't like that. As when they found my cancer they were shocked and had no idea. If I wouldn't have pushed to have my thyroid removed it would have been really advanced. I don't want to wait till cancer is to far advanced to find out. Everyone knows the earlier it is diagnosed the better chances of cure. I am not going to worry myself to death about it but I am not going to bury my head in the sand and assume it will never happen to me....Again!
I just really hope it is just getting my thyroid meds right and then...poof....feel great again:)

Holding back..just random thoughts

I still hold back a lot of things that I want to write. I feel bad about whining or that I am just being a downer but really it is just about getting my thoughts out there and sharing my struggles and I so love hearing feedback.


I have just really been struggling this past year with feeling so restless and unhappy. I have lost a lot of hope in myself, people, etc. I have never been one to feel that way in even the most impossible of situations. So for me it has been really really tough!! I just hate feeling like there is nowhere to go or no way to change the rut or path we are on. I know it is easy to say anyone can change their lives or it is just you got to do it. But really it isn't that easy. I am not afraid of hard work or challenges or at least I never have been before. But now I really feel trapped. I wonder if I really am suppose to be doing something different or if I am just fighting what the LORD has for me here. Honestly there are a lot of things that I think I would love and be good at but really no way to get there. Some people have great talents or certain qualities that make it so they can advance in jobs and life. But me really...... nothing!! I am not saying I am stupid or worthless or anything of the sort so please don't misunderstand me but I don't have any real talents and I am not really smart in any kind of field or such so I just really don't know what I can do to change my status. I am not saying I give up hope and I am not saying there is anything necessarily wrong with my life or such but I just don't fell like I fit in it. Does anyone else feel like they don't fit in their life???

The only thing I am sure about and know in my heart is where I belong is by Eric's side, but the rest is all in the air:) I am not sure if I should stay ranching, if there is a ministry that I should be working in, if I should be living somewhere else, or really anything. I have spent a lot of time in prayer asking GOD to show me where he would have me and what he wants me to be doing! Guess I just need to be patient and see what he has in store for me:) As you can see I am not very patient:)

I guess I just really wonder where I belong here. So many people have family and friends that are their world. Some have their careers and such. Other than Eric I feel very lonely. Me and Eric don't have families we can lean on and we don't have a lot of friends that are true friends. In life it is hard to find TRUE friends. The ones that will stick with you through it all. Ones that will be honest but love you anyways. The couple of friends I have like that I cherish with all my heart. They all live in different states and it is so hard being away from them. I have always been a people person and always been one to go and do. So it is hard not to have that. I thought I would get use to it but I seem to get more and more restless everyday!!! I feel so bad for Eric having to deal with me:) He does so much and the last couple of weeks has been a blast with him going to Sturgis, the fair, concerts and so many other fun, cheap things in our area:) I love it!!!

Sorry this was long and kind of rambling but hey this is just a place to get it all out right:)

We made it through the first Sturgis Motorcycle ralley....

Me on our friend Billys bike:)

So now that we live near sturgis only about 25 miles east of it we figured we better see what the ralley is all about and we fell in love!! I loved it. I loved seeing all the different bikes and how people had customized them. I also loved all the concerts and fun dancing. I am very tired though. We made it to everyday of the ralley and a few days before for atleast part of the day between work. I have to say that I expected it to be a lot different. Everyone said you would see all this dirty, weird things and to be honest not really any of that. Not to say some of the ways people dressed wasn't a little crazy but no full nudity or anything like that. Which I very much appreciated:)

I will say I was shocked the shear size of this event. This town is little and nothing goes on most the rest of the year. It transformed into the biggest thing ever and tehy say there were probably around 700,000 here this year for the 70th anniversary. CRAZY!!!!! Can't wait for next year but we would like to have a motorcycle:) I know keep dreaming:)

Here are a few pics.......

the town a couple days before

as the craziness started!!

My favorite motorcycle:)

Blind Hope

I just finished this book and I have to say it was amazing. It definitely hit home and I will admit I bawled my eyes out quite a few times as these are a lot of the same things that I have thought and that my baby Reksy taught me. I don't want to ruin the book for anyone that wants to read it. But I have to say that if we take the time to look at our furry friends and to realize how sweet, loyal and trusting they are we may learn a lot. Even more we could really learn from their forgiveness, joy, loyalty, and many other great qualities. I just marvel at how GOD works and sometimes teaches us things:)

HOPE for the first time in a long time

So I just have to say that today the LORD really spoke to me. I have been praying and praying to hear from him. I have been praying for so many things lately...Hope, strength, patience, peace, no fear, direction in our lives and so many many other things. Today hope was sent. It was sent in the form of a Dr. Dobson broadcast. It was a broadcast done from crystal peaks youth ranch in sisters Oregon. This is a ranch I have mentioned before and is very dear to my heart. This is the place I got hope another time when I really needed it most!!!!

My whole life I have just craved animals. They bring sooooo much joy to me and they were always there for me when I needed them. They never hurt me like people did or if they did it wasn’t on purpose. They were my saving grace. But it was horses that had something soooo very very special. I felt like everything was right with the world when I was on them. I had a dream for so long of rescuing horses and then helping kids who had been in bad situations like I had. It was in 2006 that I found out about crystal peaks and went for one of their information clinics on how to run a ranch like this. But I had no idea that the LORD would speak to me in such a big way that time. I was feeling so hopeless at that time as I was in a very abusive marriage that had prity much taken everything away from me and where I wasn’t even allowed to worship GOD in the ways I wanted or needed to. I prayed the whole way there that GOD would show me how to make my life better. Well this is what he showed me.......
　

　
OK so you are thinking that looks like a skinny old horse with a bunch of paint on him and that is exactly what it is!!!!! But no he is even more than that. This is JOB, he was of course named after job from the bible and that is because he had been through such terrible things. But on one of the breaks I was leaning on the fence watching all the horses, crying as I just felt so terrible I was praying GOD please talk to me, please say anything...and at that very moment from the bottom of the pasture this broken, boney horse who normally slowly, and achily made his way around the pasture looked up at me and ran to me at the fence. He came right up and put his nose in my face. I started to pet him and at that moment on his neck plain as day and spoke right from the LORD was the word HOPE. As you can imagine immediately broke down crying and job just stayed and let me cry my tears all over his beautiful dusty face. It was then I knew GOD was always with me. I held that day sooooo dear to me and lately I have let things fade that memory and I won’t do that again!!!

I am not sure what the LORD has for me. I hope it would be to work at or run a rescue program and to change lives but I just know I want my life to be about him. I want to spend everyday of my life seeing GOD work in others and see people come to him and be saved. I don’t just want my life to be about money and things. I don’t want to die wishing I had done more for him and others. I am going to be praying fervently about this. I want more than anything for my life to change for him in big ways!!!!

Here are the links for the broadcast if anyone is interested and the crystal peaks website. They are amazing, humble people who are truly devoted to the LORD and helping others. Amazing story of what they have done through the LORD!!!

http://www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org/
http://www.myfamilytalk.com/index.php/2010/07/20/crystal-peaks-youth-ranch-i/
http://www.myfamilytalk.com/index.php/2010/07/21/crystal-peaks-youth-ranch-ii/

I know I just disapeer a lot!!

Ok so I know I don't post often enough. But to be honest I don't really know what to post. Life has just been full of a lot of crap!!!! It is still hard daily missing my little shadow Reksy. I have at least put a few pounds on my horse though and I sure love having her with me. It does cause a lot of stress, but she deserves the best. It just seems like lately it don't just rain, it pours. My dog died, getting my horse back way to skinny, our truck broke down, the explorer isn't running well, and medical appointments and bills rolling in and burying us farther and farther!! Sorry this is such a downer post and now you see why I just disappear.

I have always been the optimistic type and I always try to look at the bright side but in the last year I can't seem to find that optimism or positiveness. Everything since I have been sick is just wearing more and more on me. I still try hard to try not to let everything drag me down but it is just hard sometimes. I am not giving up and I definitely don't just want to have a pity party. I spend a lot of time praying and I am just trying to figure out what I can do to change all these problems.

Well Back from oregon....and some huge heartbreaks!!!

Well I got back from Oregon a week ago. It was a very quick trip but I did get to see a lot of people and have some great fun and memories. I will try and do a post just about that soon. Got of course pics to go with it:)

Well my oldest dog Reksy got sick while I was gone:( He just wouldn't eat and then sometimes he would so when he didn't eat at all and then he started throwing up and such Eric took him into the vet. That is when Eric called me crying(and this man really doesn't cry over anything) he said that he had stomach cancer and it was some large masses. Of course I lost it and balled like a baby! All I could think is how I let that poor boy down being gone while he was so sick. I would be home soon so they gave him a morphine patch for comfort and Eric brought back my baby. I got home and got to spend one last evening with him and the next afternoon we took him in and he went to wait for us at our ranch in the sky. I can't even begin to tell you how much my heart is still hurting, that dog took a part of it when he went. We have been through so much together and he was my shadow. It has been a week today and my hurt is still so raw and open. He was like a kid to me!!! Here are a few pics of before and right before. I can't believe in just 7 days how quickly it took him. The weight loss and impact.

See my shadow:)

Reksy in 2006

The last evening together as a "family" you can see how sad Eric is:(


Well then the next surprise I got the day I got home was a flash of shiny copper out in the arena. I about fell over when I realized it was my horse Shar. Yes SHAR!! Eric surprised me and brought her home while I was gone. I was soooooooo amazed to see her but as I moved closer my devastation for the day depend. She is soooooo terribly skinny. I was shocked as the people said she was maintaining well and everything. Eric said she had actually gained weight while she was home as he had her on grass. It was hard to see that. I realize she is old and it is hard to keep weight on older horses sometimes but my gosh I wish they would have told me. But like Eric said no one is going to take as good care of her as we will. He said he was sorry he ever let me give her up. What a sweet guy. She is really happy, and seems

healthy other than skinny, her coat is really nice and sleek and shinny. I am trying to hunt down some REALLY good quality horse hay now, I have her on senior feed, corn oil and cool calories. I am introducing all of it slowly as not to colic her. I just want her fat and sassy again:) but I know it takes time. If anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear them. She is such a great girl and she deserves the best!!! I will also be getting her to the vet soon just to have her accessed.

I really need to catch up on every ones blogs!!! Miss y'all:)