I have always struggled with this. My whole life I have always felt like I haven't mattered to anyone. I know I matter to my husband but I really have a hard time not mattering to others. I know that I should let that get me down or let that make me feel sad or insecure but to be honest it does. IT REALLY DOES!!! I just feel like if I was gone it wouldn't matter and that really hurts me!!! I know this is a downer subject but how else do we get to know ourselves and how to we get past things if we can't be honest about things!
I just look back through my life and I haven't really mattered to many people. Even my own parents. I was never a priority and if I was they made feel like crap for being a priority. Even "friends" I would try and be loyal do everything I could for them and they would betray me or drop out of my life when something better came a long. I am lucky to have my husband and my best friend Candi. Candi has never turned her back on me or made me feel bad for choices ever. She has loved me and been there no matter what. I am soooooooo very very blessed to have her but it is so hard to be so far from her. I feel so blessed to have her. But it is still hard when I look back and see how much of my heart I have given to others and they have just thrown it out when they didn't like something I did or when they found something more exciting in life to do. I look back and it was like I didn't even exist in their lives and that I didn't even matter:( I can't tell you how much that hurts!!!
I see people and friends who are surrounded by friends and family that love and adore them. Who get excited about them and the things they are doing in life. They celebrate exciting things with them with love, parties and such and they grieve with them when things are tough. They always have someone to turn to in times of need. I guess I feel jipped that Eric and I don't have that:( Really it probably is a blessing in disguise as it really has taught me to lean on GOD but it is sad also. I am not saying that everyone should agree with my decisions or that I am against their advice or anything because I need it and I respect it but I just wish they could love me and still tell you I told you so!
I just find myself not so excited about life:( I have never been like that and it makes me even sadder to feel like that. I just wish I had that "family" that would be excited with me and that would want to celebrate and grieve with me when I need it. TO BELONG!!!! I can't believe I am actually writing this but I can't seem to figure out how to keep from feeling like this but maybe acknowledging the feelings will help to break through them!!!
Cry it out girl. Sorry you feel sad and that you don't belong. All I can say is that seeing my number 1 guy laying on the rocks looking dead and then, PTL, not dead has made me enjoy what I do have more. Try to keep a gratitude journal of little moments and try to love on people and make people around you feel good, you know... do to them what you want done to you and see if it doesn't help a little. May God bless you and keep you and make his face shine upon you.
ReplyDeleteYou matter to me! We live far away from each other but I love being able to keep up with your blog and facebook. It makes me feel like we are connected somehow even though we are miles apart.
ReplyDeleteKathy- Thank you sooooooooooo much that means a ton. I can't tell you how glad I am that we are able to chat and keep in touch. Our friendship at the ranch was one I loved and charished dearly. Your openness in your blog has been an inspiration to me.
ReplyDeleteTJandMark- I know I am just being a weiner and feeling sorry for myself. I can honestly say and so can the doctors that I shouldn't even be here today and I know what it it like to face death straight in the face. I know that should make me feel so blessed and lucky and it does from the LORD, but it is also during those times that very few people were there. I treasure those people but mostly everyone just dispeared and I was left alone a lot!! Maybe it was just they couldn't handle it or maybe it wasn't. I am trying really hard to just get past all this and to let it go but I don't know why it just keeps coming back so maybe letting myself feel it within reason will help me to figure out how to get rid of it! THank you for your kind words and advice:) PS So glad your #1 is beside you:)
Hi there! Thanks for dropping by my blog and for leaving your link.
ReplyDeleteI know we haven't met, but here's my 2 cents on the issue at hand.
Psalm 139:14...I am fearfully and wonderfully made...
I too have felt the same way as you with an exception. Most of my family has always "been there" for me. However, the husband and I live far away from family. The friends part I can identify with completely! Close friends for me are few and far between, no matter how much of myself I give. At some point self-preservation sets in and it's easier to keep people at arms length, than risk getting hurt again and having the feelings of not mattering.
Take pleasure in the little things. The way that everything smells fresh and new after a good rain. The warmth of the sun on a spring day when there's still snow on the ground. The miracle of a new life during calving season. I know you could come up with a dozen things living on a ranch, just as I could go on and on!
If you didn't matter, you wouldn't be here. God knew us before anyone else, and he made you on purpose, for a purpose. If nothing else than to get this back-slidden woman to open a Bible today and pull out a quote for you.
Love and Hugs,
Kacee aka TheRanchWife
Kacee- THANK YOU so much!! You are to sweet and I look forward to keeping up with your blog life:) Thank you for the scripture:)
ReplyDeleteI pray that God will help you deal with what you are going through.
ReplyDeletein Jesus Name Amen!
~Ron
Wow kiddo. I wished I had words of wisdom, but I don't. :(
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself and I hope you find some solice soon.