Enough is Enough!!!!! Gotta do something about this!!!

Ok so I know I have said I have been struggling with my weight, but it is more than a struggle, it is my life. I am just at a point where I hate to even look at myself, I hate myself and I don't even want to go out in public. I need to be more honest in my blogs after all that is what this is all about!!! It is out of control and I really seen that with the pictures of me riding diesel yesterday. I can't even stand to see them, the minute I saw the picture tears started streaming down my face!!! I just feel trapped in this body that isn't me!! I have always kind of battled weight, but usually I just cut back on my food and excises a little more and it would come off. Don't get me wrong I have never been a skinny Minny, my body isn't built to be. But I was average and athletic before. But every since my thyroid really went haywire and then I had it removed the weight has just packed on and won't leave. I know, I know why don't you just eat less and exercise more. That is great and yes I do need to work on both, but even when I do healthy food and up my exercise the weight doesn't budge and my health gets worse, I throw up tons and feel like I am going to pass out and I have chest pains that are really severe. Yes I have cowgirled up and even ran through it and everything stopping to get sick and pushing myself more, but it doesn't work. I can start slow to a build up and just can' t do it. But something HAS TO BE DONE!!!!! I CANNOT live like this!!! I cry as I write this. It is so hard for me to be vulnerable and to admit all this but maybe that is what I need to do to somehow start a change. I just want to be healthy and happy in my body. I want my body to quit fighting against me!!!

Lately has been really hard as it does not matter what I eat it comes right back up and you would think I would loose weight but no. The doctor wants to send me to a specialist for stomach scopes to check for cancer, gastroparenesis or other problems that could be contributing to my problem, but we don't have insurance so it will be a while till that happens. I will post some pictures below and believe me this is REALLY REALLY REALLY HARD FOR ME TO DO!!!!!! I just hope throughout this year they change and I change:)

This was me 3 years ago and I was prity happy with where I was

3 years ago about 155lbs

Now( don't even want to say it 220)

4 years ago riding

yesterday riding

First time I met eric 3 years ago

Being silly 3 years later

original wedding dress to wear but couldn't fit in it anymore

My wedding dress this september, thank gosh for corsets!!!!

I am just hoping by writing this I will be able to update it down the road with pictures of me getting healthy again. I just want to feel good and comfortable in my body again. I want to be able to enjoy my daily life and feel good. My health has really been poor lately and It worries me. I should just be thankful I am even here and I am. I hope it doesn't seem like I don't realize that looks aren't the most important thing in the world, cause they aren't but it is good to feel good about yourself and to be healthy.