When it is tough I quit blogging

I have gone back and forth about writing.  But this is more for me and no one really reads anyways so I decided to just write so I can look back and see where I am at and where I have been.  I always stop writing because life gets hard and no one wants to hear me complain, be negative, etc.  But the reality is my life has been hard and it isn't changing.  Maybe that is my fault and maybe someday I will change but seems like the more I change the worse it gets so to be honest I hit the I don't care anymore!! The just get up put on a fake smile and do what I have to do!  I don't have any expectations for life anymore!!!  I am in excruciating pain everyday, I'm nauseous and dizzy all the time, I have muscle spasms 90% of the time, brain fog is crippling, no feeling in my arms and my hands come and go.  My legs have started that more and more over the past 6 months.  But all the tests they want and treatments they think may help aren't covered by insurance and I have no income so it is what it is.  I have done all I can at this point and it is what it is.  So unless GOD does a miracle and heals me then it is what it is!  It has stolen all quality of life at this point! Everyone says stay positive, keep your chin up, do your best.  Well you try that while you feel like you have been run over by a truck EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE!!!! and for over 15 years.  NO BREAK! NO VACATION from pain, sickness.  NON STOP!!!!  I have not used pain meds very much. I usually make a 30 day supply last 8 months to a year.  I only take them when it gets to the point I haven't slept in days and I am throwing up from pain.  But now thanks to all those that abuse the medication I can't even get any.  They  never take away the pain anyways but they do take that top edge off so I can at least not throw up and maybe sleep a few hours.  But now that isn't even an option.  So on top of being sick and in pain you add not sleeping and then you wonder why someone gets to the point of hating life, being broken and just giving up!!!!!  Chronic illness is a life stealer that you cannot understand unless you live it!!!  Best way I can explain it is having the flu, a tooth ache, every bone in your body broken, etc but allllll at the same time!!! and there is NEVER a day you get a break from it.  You may have some symptoms go but then you have new ones that come.  I do wayyyyyy more than I am supposed to and I try to keep going as much as I can but my body is making less and less possible.  Its not like I can suck it up and push through the pain and sick.  I can't control the numbness and when things don't work, I can't control the dizziness or black outs.  So do what I can!  But at this point I AM WORTHLESS!!!   So all I can do now is put on the fake smile and hope GOD does a miracle.