Finding a purpose

I have struggled with this prity much all my life!  Finding my purpose.  I have NO idea what it is.  I have struggled deeply the past years with feeling like a waste of air and like I have no use or purpose.   I fight those thoughts daily and there have been dark moments.  I don't say this looking for help, attention or trying to be a victim.  I say this to be open, honest and to help others who hide those same feelings and thoughts because if they say them out loud they will be put down, labeled or berated for being an attention seeker, a victim, weak, etc.  (Then we wonder why people don't ask for help:( )  If this just helps one other person and they know they are not alone that is all that matters.

I have been through hell and back more than I can say.  There are so many things I have never talked about and so many things I probably never will online.  I know I am not alone in this.  But I was always strong and just pushed on, fight, keep positive and keep going.  But that NEVER works forever.  It takes a toll even when you don't want to admit it! It wears you down, it haunts you, it steals the real you!!!  But most of all what I never knew is that it would physically destroy me!  I always relied on my body to get me through.  To work more than one job, to show everyone physically I could do more than most, etc.  But now I can barely shower some days, I can't feel my arms anymore, I can't remember where I am supposed to be going sometimes when I am driving!  It is scary, frustrating and life altering.  I clearly have some major medical issues but my doctor and therapist or telling me the "PTSD" is making it worse, that is hindering any healing I may be able to accomplish:(  I realized I had been changed, I realized the terrifying experiences I have had in my life have definitely made me react differently and experience things differently, but I had told myself I was dealing with it just fine!! Well my body is telling me NO NO NO your not:(

This is a hard realization!  But I can't ignore it and I am digging in. It is hard, it is scary and I don't want to but I am going to.  I want my life back!  I want a life to be honest.  I want to know what safe feels like, I want to know what my purpose is, I want GOD to show me where he wants me!!! I am taking an abuse recovery class at church, personal counseling, and our church series is amazing.  So it is a lot all at once.  But LORD help me!!!  I'm trying!!! I don't want the Devil to win!!!! 

Everything around me is a mess!! I'm a mess!! I know life is messy!! But I can try and clean some of it up.  At least my part! Praying for guidance, change, health, peace and happiness.  Praying GOD will show me where he wants to use me for his good in this life!!