Not good at relationships

I am not good at relationships.  I dive in with my whole heart and give everything I have.  I let people take advantage, I let people hurt me, and I don't know how to deal with them well.  I don't know how to deal with rejection, hurt, or betrayal.  So I find myself pulling away and then I go away completely. I am a soft hearted person and that is both a blessing and a curse.  I just want to learn to have healthy relationships and to live life in a healthy way.  To have a good heart but also protect it without being bitter or resentful.

My divorce was the hardest thing I have been through:(  I didn't want it!  I never in a million years thought we wouldn't make it all the way!  Yes we had our issues, yes we had our fights, but I thought we would figure it out, I thought we were dedicated to each other, and I thought we were that couple that would make it all the way:(  So my world was wrecked and my heart broken beyond words! I felt completely worthless, unloved, unworthy, and COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY alone:(  He was all I had.  I had built my whole world around him.  I would have done anything for him.  But I was just to much for him, and in that same breath not enough for him:(  Honestly my heart is still hurt and broken from it and I am not sure that it will ever totally heal from it!

I know my health has most to do with it as it kept me from being able to work as much as he needed me to and to be able to do as much as I needed and wanted.  I truly try my hardest but it isn't enough!  So I struggle deeply with worthlessness, hopelessness and just worry.  I worry all my relationships will end because of it.  Because I am sick, hurting, worthless, mentally messed up, scared and have let myself become someone I don't recognize and don't want to be but the harder I try to be a better person the worse it becomes and the more I don't like me.  I use to be strong, never cry, just pull up the boot straps and keep going, but over the past 10 years that has gone away and now I am a mess.  A mess I don't even like so I don't understand why anyone else would either.  I have been going to counseling for over a year, I have gotten back into church, I have reached out to trusted friends in those dark moments I was wanting to make some life ending choices but I still feel buried and stuck:(  Trapped in a body that hurts soooooooooooooooo badly and is so sick with a mind and heart that wants to go, do, give back, make a difference.  But I still try and I am going to keep trying.  I will do the little things I can do. 

Dating after the divorce was soooooooooooooooo not fun! I will write on that sometime.  Lies, users, games, etc.  It was such a bad bad bad experience.  I hope to not have to do that again.  I did meet BF though:)  He is kind, sweet, and tries to help me in every way he can.  I am blessed for him.  But I struggle with it to. I am soooooooooooo scared to get hurt, used, abandoned, etc.  I have been VERY open with him on these struggles and I will continue to be.  I have learned that I am me and I have to be me and be open and if it is meant to be it will workout otherwise its ok.  Forcing things does not work, trying to change for another person does not work, so I am trying to let go and trust GOD.  I know I can't trust my judgement after 2 divorces and all the friends and such I have let into my life that have done major damage.  Also I know I have some huge scars and issues that make it hard for me to make the right decisions and I know that is something I am working on.  I know I am almost 40 and have completely failed at life!!! I have learned not to judge others even more.  I never have been super judgmental but I am even more aware now as I would love more than anything to be a different version of me and have a different life and I will continue to try for that but for now I am me and I have to accept all my failures and to take responsibility for my poor choices. 

I am spending a lot of time in prayer and trying to stay positive and be grateful for all the good things I do have and for even the smallest of blessings.  I want to get back to that bubbly, happy, outgoing girl.  The one who always has a smile!!! I want to be a better girlfriend, friend, family member, etc.  I want to be the best me I can be!!!  I don't want my past to dictate my future or damage me further.  But I don't want to ignore it, make excuses for it or act like it didn't happen either.  That won't help for sure!!!  Life is a lesson all the way through I think!