Waiting

I HATE waiting!! I know, I know, patience!! I should say I don't hate the waiting.  I hate the not knowing!  I hate wondering! I hate not feeling like I am doing anything and wasting time and life!!!  We have been looking for a house for over a year, I had to apply for disability last may and still waiting on the appeal now, etc.  It is so hard to feel like I am going no where!  I hate wasting life.  It is already so short!!

I have always been a worker.  I have always liked physical labor.  I loved working on ranches, farms and with horses.  That is where my happiness, worth and confidence came from.  It also helped me to work through things and to also avoid things:/  I have always worked through sickness and pain.  I was tough!!!  Now.....not at all.  And I have no control over it.  I can't control the pain at all anymore, I have no feeling in my arms, they spasm all the time, I can't write well anymore and sometimes not at all and typing even as we speak I have to erase and one finger type a lot as my hands don't work right anymore and sometimes not at all.  My legs have started loosing feeling, strength and even use here and there more often.  It is very frustrating and scary to be honest.  I'm not even 40( I know close) but to have the brain issues, the body issues I do at this age is scary.  I can't function properly, and my doctors were the ones this past year that told me I have to apply for disability.  They have actually been telling me since 2015 but I have fought it.  But at this point I don't have a choice anymore.

This has been a fight of its own with me.  I struggle with the worthless, useless feelings and have even been doing counseling and classes for this as I hit a VERY dark place and needed to learn to deal with it.  It isn't going away so I have to learn to accept and deal with that.  Now that doesn't mean I am not going to keep trying to get better, to find answers, to reverse these issues. I am definitely not going to give up!!!  I keep researching and trying the things that I can and can afford.

I am praying the LORD will help us find that house soon so we can get out of town and also to give me something to concentrate on. something to keep me busy when i have the ability and to keep my mind busy on.  To feel like I am doing something.  Even though I do as much as I can now.  I have to take the boy to and from school, take care of him til dad gets home, take care of the house, cook, etc.  I can't do it all as well as I want and sometimes but I am doing the best I can.

Mostly just praying for GOD to show me my place in this world!! I don't want to be a waste of air and that is how I feel. I want to do something with my life.  But even more than that I want to do something GOD driven with my life.  I have had some big dreams of rescue animals and people but we shall see where GOD takes me!!!