I'm not hiding

I am not hiding it has just been CRAZY busy and filled with a bunch of family drama that we don't want!!!  SO I will have to catch up here really soon with pictures from our camping trip last weekend and just what is going on in life.  As life always does it really has some twists and turns!!!

I am worth it!!!

SO perfectly said!!!  This is me in a small quote.  I am still working on the second half for sure.  I find myself still wanting to hold onto people I shouldn't. I don't like to give up on people, because I don't like to be givin up on but in reality most of the people have given up on me, or honestly never truly cared that much.  It makes me sooooooooooooooooooo sad to realize that but I need to realize it and I need to address it and let it go.  I think these past couple of years have been rough because I have really really tried to hold onto people and relationships I should have let go.  It breaks my heart to realize it and to figure out how to address it.  But in reality it is holding me back in life.  The hurt, sadness, frustration and anger only hurt me.  I hurt for people who don't hurt for me.  I hurt for people that I wasn't important to. I came back to a place holding onto these ideas that it was where I belonged and in reality I don't belong.  I have hurt so deeply over so many things and it is only hurting me.  I need to get all that hurt out, deal with it and let it go.  I am not sure how I will do all that yet but at least I know I need to.  Now to figure out how to.  I just don't want to become a cold, hard, unhappy person.  I want that sparkle, that bubbliness, that happy me back.  I should never have let people take that from me and I won't make that mistake again.  I deserve better and my husband definitely deserves better.  So we shall see where the growing comes in.  I know this will get harder before it gets better.

Lots of catching up to do

So I have been home from hunting like 6 days.  I know where is the posts and where is the catch up posts you ask???  Been crazy busy and things are not slowing down this week.  I will catch up as soon as I can.

This sickness:(

So I have slacked and missed a lot on the blog post challenge in may:(  This sickness is still here.  I finally went to ER and they think it is a virus in stomach and intestines   They put me on pain pills and anti nausea pills.  They help a little.  I am leaving for hunting on Wednesday so I am hoping and praying that I feel a million times better by then.  I am just going to do the challenge thru June on the days that I have missed.  It is a fun way to share things.  Hope everyone is well while I am away.  Look forward to bringing you stories and pictures:)  And hopefully a bear rug;)

The flu:( But 10 things I love

I have had the flu the last 3 days and have been miserable:(  I have fallen behind on my may blog challenge but I will try and get caught up soon.  I also realized I will be out of town with no service for 7 days.  I am going Bear hunting next week so I will not be getting to post then so I may just go into June with the days I have missed in may:)  Here is yesterdays topic I missed.

10 things I love:-No particular order
1.GOD will be first and foremost of course.  Without him we all have nothing.

2. All the time I get to spend with my husband.  I not only love my husband but I truly like him to.  I love our time together.  We have so much fun in all that we do.

3. I love anything I get to do with horses.  I love riding, grooming, and even cleaning stalls.  There is just something about a horse that makes my heart smile.

4. I love camping and vacationing:)  This is truly one of my favorite things ever.  I wish I could make a living doing this:)  I just enjoy being away and experiencing so many different exciting things.

5. I love to spend time with great friends and family.  To laugh and just enjoy time together with no worries, sadness  or gossip.

6. I love my pets(kids) soooooooooooo much.  They make me laugh, cry, yell:)  they make my life complete.  They are just a bonus in this life for sure:)

7. Crafting- I love to do all kinds of crafts.  I just love to make things and give them away as gifts.  I love to have home made things around my home.

8. Campfires- There is just something soothing and reminiscence of sitting around a campfire.  There is such a peace and happiness in it.

9. The Beach-There is just something about the beach.  The sound of the waves hitting the shore.  The way the sun sinks into this vast beautiful mirror like water in the evening.  IT is a place of peace, reflection and joy to me.

10. The mountains- I love the smells, the creatures, the sounds.  I love how close to GOD I feel here. I love how at those moments I get to be there I feel at home, I feel free, I feel like life isn't so crazy and out of control.  I love to see GOD's work in all the plant life, the animals and me:)

Something I miss.........

Todays blog challenge-Day 12, Sunday: What do you miss? (a person, a thing, a place, a time of your life...)

  

I thought a lot about this one.  There is so many things and people that I could write about.  I could write about the people I miss that have passed on, I could write about all the people that have drifted away, I could write about the relationships that weren't what they seemed.  I could write about the days of less responsibility and more freedom, I could write about the days of better health.  In life I think we could think about a lot of people and things we miss.

  To be honest I think what I miss the most is some of the person I use to be.  I know the big changes started in my first marriage when I started loosing myself to a person that only cared about himself and what he wanted.  To someone that pushed, prodded and talked until I felt like nothing.  Then came getting the Tularemia that took all my physical strength.  When that was over and I started to get a little better it hit me hard not only was all my physical strength gone but so was my emotional strength.  I had fought for my life and I had found out really fast who really cared and who my real friends were and sadly that number was not very big.  It was then that I realize it changed me.  It put a sadness and hurt into me that I have not been able to shake.  I find myself frustrated with people and wanting to pull away.  I find myself just wanting to pull back and be alone.  It wasn't like that was the first or last time people had disappointed me but it was like the straw that broke the camels back I guess.  On top of that losing my physical strength really hurt.  I had always been strong and tough and could get through anything and always tried to see the positive side of everything.  I miss that!!!!!!!!!!!!! I miss that strong woman that didn't take crap from anyone, who knew who she was, who was hardworking and healthy.  I have found out quickly through the past few years of cancer, and torn bicep tendons with complications that I am not as strong as I thought and that I don't like the person I have become.  I don't like the frustration, the sadness  the disappointment and definitely being scared.  I hate being scared and I am scared.  I miss being optimistic  bubbly, etc.  

  Life has knocked me down one to many times and I am trying my hardest to get back up and not let it take me down.  I miss that girl that was sooooooooooooooooooooo tough!!!!!!

one piece of advice I can offer

So Day 7 is to offer one piece of advice.  I think the best piece of advice I can offer is not to Judge so quickly.  It is really easy to pass a judgement so quickly and I too am guilty of this.  But it is one of the biggest things I am trying to work on now.  It is so easy to look at someone and to judge them not only by their looks and actions but by how we think they should live their life.  I know that I could live my life differently and better I am sure but I also have things that have happened to me that have broken parts of me that make that difficult and at this time impossible in ways.  We don't know everyones story and just because we can do something doesn't mean everyone can.  It is sad but in this world there are A LOT of broken people who have been wounded severely by people and it makes life even harder for them.  I would love to be stronger, smarter, thinner  prettier, etc but that doesn't mean it is possible at this moment for me and maybe never.  Some of the wounds that we have inflicted upon us can damage us and also remember we have the ability to inflict those wounds on others.  Lets try not to.  Lets try and truly understand a person before we just right them off or pass a judgement.  

  Now I am not saying that gives everyone a free pass to be irresponsible, lazy, rude, mean, dangerous, etc.  There is wrong and right and there is people with just plain bad intentions.  It is just finding that line.  Thinking on it before we pass a judgement or right someone off.

  Also use your own judgement.  Find out for yourself and not just let others make those decisions for you.