I have been struggling with this for years and it just keeps getting more intense. I want to do more in this world. I want to do more for the LORD in this world!!! I want to leave this world knowing I lead others to the way, the truth and the life. I have had a huge dream my entire life of owning a ranch and rescuing animals and using them to help people and children. They have so much they can teach us and so much love to give. I really want to specialize in horses but know that cats and dogs and such would have some places to:) I even in 2006 visited crystal peaks youth ranch in sisters Oregon and did a informational clinic on starting my own ranch. It was the most amazing experience and it just really filled me more with this want and need to do this. If you don't know about crystal peaks you need to check out their website and read Kim's books, they are amazing!!!! http://www.crystalpeaksyouthranch.org/default.aspx
I just hate that the only thing that keeps me from doing this is money. I don't have the money to start something like this. I know that it can be done but I just don't know how to go about doing it. There are other things that stop me to and I know things that I will need to deal with. But I just really need to pray on it and trust GOD has my life all worked out:)
Another thing that stops me is guilt:( 10 months ago I gave my two horses(my babies) to a youth rescue ranch. It broke my heart into a million pieces and even now as I write this I cry. But with all the bills and medical bills from the surgery and cancer we were falling to far behind and were going to loose our house so we found a job with housing on a ranch 4 1/2 hours away. I thought it would get better but it didn't it got worse, we got to the ranch and the owner hated horses and wanted me to keep them in a 400 acre pasture 2 miles from the house with no shelter. I was very unhappy about this and with my one being 23 I knew it would not be fair to her and that the winter would be way to hard. We didn't have anywhere else to go and I knew it was the decision I would have to make:( MY HEART IS BREAKING ALL OVER AGAIN WRITTING THIS:( But I got a gift from God of a christian youth ranch that could take them. I drove them the 8 hours to the place. It was a beautiful place and I knew it was going to be a great home and they would be able to take great care of them, but when I went to leave they were whinnying and trying to follow me, it broke my heart into a million pieces and believe me I asked GOD why?? I still trust someday I will see the why? I would have gone without food and medicine for them to have all their needs met and believe me I did at times. But now I find it hard to want to do it all again. And then to want to rescue others and help them when I couldn't even my own:( I definitely won't make that commitment again till I know that I can and keep it!!!!
So as you can see I am torn.....SO TORN!!!!! I will just keep praying and see where GOD leads me. Maybe he has totally different plans for me! I just trust he knows best!!!!
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