picture of the day-Be Strong and Courageous

This is big to me!!! This is my biggest struggle right now.  I have always been tough and strong but these past few years life has really brought me to my knees and changed me:(  It has changed me in a way I don't like.  I am a wimp, my faith is wavering, I fell abandoned, Unloved, and I am falling short all the time.  I don't like that.  But I think GOD is breaking me for a reason and man is he breaking me.  My spirit, my body, my emotions, etc are broken beyond what I can even describe.  The sadness and despair is sooooooooooo deep.  I hate it!! I fight it, I pray and yet no hope no relief.  GOD has a plan and I just need to trust that!!! 

I thought I would share a few pictures below of when I did feel Strong and Courageous!!

 

Working elk at the Elk Ranch.  I always felt strong, capable, needed, appreciated.  

Living in the Yurt- I felt strong, capable, adventurous!

showing- I felt accomplished, talented, physically fit

Working on Ranches-Tough, Brave, Accomplished, Physically fit, capable!

Living in the Tipi-Brave, smart, adventurous, capable, healthy!!!

 

picture of the day- Evening sunset

Picture of the day- Back to online games for bonding

Since Eric is back in North Dakota this is our way to bond:)  Games on the internet with each other:)  It does help:) And I will add for Eric sake he did kick my butt today in battleship.  

Picture of the day-Changing the way I look at life

I have been fighting depression and negativity for quite sometime now.  I know it will continue to be a struggle but I want to try better to fight it and not let it win.  I want to be that strong, courageous, outgoing, bubbly, fun loving, adventurous, strong in faith woman I use to be.  I want that back!!!  

 It has been hard for me being alone so much and for being injured an not being able to do anything "useful".  I want to have my life back.  I know all to well that life is to short and I am lucky to be here today and I don't want to waste the second chances GOD has given me.  I have let myself and others beat me down for to long.  

I am lost though.  I don't know what to do.  I know I want to do things differently.  I just don't know how!  I am not good at anything and not talented.  Now I am not trying to be whinny or self deprecating.  It is true.  I really don't have anything that I am good at or talented in.  I have things I love and am passionate about but I just don't know what to do with that.  I don't want to be poor all my life, I don't want to be unhealthy all my life, I don't want to be lonely all my life.  So now I pray and pray and pray that GOD will show me what he has for my life:)  

I am going to work better at fighting off the sadness and feeling of being worthless!  I thought I should think of the things that make me smile!!

1.My husband that loves me even when I am FAR from perfect

2.  My pets that make me laugh, smile, and keep me company:)

3. My true friends-the ones that know me and love me anyway:)

4.  That I am here.  I shouldn't be alive today and I am so there is a reason:)

5. Books-They give me time to just relax and daydream for a while

Eric heading back to North Dakota

Well Eric is headed back to North Dakota after working here for 10 days.  I will miss him like crazy.  I know a lot of people can't work with their spouse or can't spend a lot of time together.  But we can.  I am blessed that way.  My husband is my best friend and we love every minute together.  I am not saying we can't go without each other we just really like each other:)  It is especially hard when I don't have any friends or family close. I have never been anywhere very long without making friends but this state I have to say as beautiful as it is, is not a very friendly state:(  And having my injury and not being able to work I am sure has not helped with my social life.
  We are trying to get some things settled so we know where we will be living.  We are aiming towards south dakota right now.  As we truly loved it there, it is affordable, and we have friends there.  It is also only a few hours drive when Eric has his time off from North Dakota. But we shall see what happens in next couple months.
   Hope everyone had a great 4th of July!  It didn't seem like the 4th here.  We didn't do anything and there were no fireworks anywhere around us.  I also must say with all the crap going on in our country it was the first year I wasn't feeling very patriotic.  I feel as though things aren't looking very good for our country and what it originally stood for.  I keep praying and will try and do my part.  I love this country and want to see it get better!

Nerve Blocks

Well I had my nerve blocks done in my neck yesterday.  It did relieve some of the pain and numbness so that is great.  But it did make other things sore from the needle.  It will get worse again for a few days and then the steroid should kick in and help again.  I see my doctor next Thursday so hopefully this at least the answer to where we need to do more looking.  I think he is going to want me to see the neurologist next.  We believe it is the cysts on my spinal cord causing the issues.  That is not the answer I wanted, but at least it is in an answer.

Day 27-A great sunday

I know I missed two days but really there has been nothing going on. But today we had a great day.  We started out the morning going mini golfing and playing ski-ball.  It was a lot of fun but my arms not working well really makes it hard.  Then we went to the lake for some fishing and swimming since it was soooooooooo hot.   It was a great day with my husband!! I have my nerve blocks tomorrow so if you don't hear from me for a few days it is because I am recovering.

This course was a lot of fun.  And nice and shady for the hot day that it was even at 9:30 am

Ski-ball rocks.  We won all kinds of cheap fun kids stuff:)  Like the good ole days!!!