What you want and remember and what it truly is..

well we have been in Oregon almost two months.  It has been 6 years since I left here.  I was happy and broken over it at the same time.  I was glad to be away from cruddy weather, family and friend drama and traffic and busy busy busy.  I was looking forward to seeing where life would take me with a VERY amazing man.  I was excited about living in a more down to earth, slower lifestyle with a lot less hustle bustle and traffic.  I would NEVER change my decision for sure.  Being with my handsome is the best thing I ever did.  But I was use to lots and lots of people and always being gone and doing.  Nebraska was a lot slower paced.  Plus it was hard missing out on things here with friends and family.  I have struggled with wanting to be back in Oregon and wanting the ranching or slower life.  It as hard for me not to have the best of both worlds.  But I would come home to visit and some of it I would miss so desperately but a lot I would see and be like man I don't miss that at all.  We have gone back and forth for so long.  My family and friends always say move back, be here.  But we were both hesitant in a lot ways for a lot of reasons.  But when Eric's job again went south in Colorado and beings we were there for 2 years and it just wasn't the place for us Eric wanted to make the move here to Oregon.  Part of me wanted to but a big part of me didn't.  But I left my family talk us into it.  Even though in my gut it felt off and wrong.  Especially after we had to make a trip back to South Dakota to get our storage unit.  South Dakota just felt like home!!!
   So here we are here in Oregon and it is HARD.  I find myself  feeling so ungrateful but also wondering if this was a BIG mistake.  I am trying to keep and open mind.  But I have realized especially in the past year that things we remember or the way we see things aren't what they use to be or aren't how they really were necessarily.  Being back here really reminds me why I left.  That is so hard.  But everyone is in different places in life, and we are different.  You can't be gone 6 years and expect the same.  It is hard not to fit in.  But at the same time I don't want to fit into some of the things that go on.  I am not a drinker, I am not a irresponsible partier, I don't want to just gossip and bash on people.  I want to live my life the best I can in a positive manner and how GOD would like me to.  I am not perfect in anyway and I have a lot to learn for sure.  I know that even in the past few years of writing this blog I find myself seeing a lot of mistakes I have made and a lot of bad decisions.  But at the same time I see a lot of growing and I know there is a lot yet to be done.  I know I have a lot to work on and I am trying to do that.  I just struggle with that fine line of not letting people hurt you and push you around and being to intolerant.  My personality is you hurt me and I will not take it and I will push you out.  I don't need bs and crap in my life.  But I don't want to be cold and unfeeling.  So I really am trying to look at every situation and every person individually and look at the motivation and circumstances.  So I am not sure where we will go from here.  If we will stay in Oregon or if GOD will take us else where but no matter what it is I know I will see growth.