Hiding from Depression

I have been really trying to hide from the depression.   Running, running, running...trying not to let it catch me.  I want to be happy, healthy, bubbly and positive but I just can't!  Some would say you need medication.  NO I need to work on life.  I need to feel like I am doing something, like I am making a difference.  I want to feel like I have a purpose here.  I have had big dreams of helping others and animals and now I just feel it is to big and impossible and that breaks me.  I just feel like I am here just using up air.  That is not at all what I want to feel.  I trust GOD and know he has a plan.  I just don't trust me and hearing him right.  I just want to be the best person I can be and I know that isn't me now.  I hear you just got to do it!, you just got to pull up your big panties and go on, etc. etc.  That is the worst advice and very hurtful and now I know when others feel like I do that it won't be helpful.  Because if I could do it I WOULD DO IT!!!!! I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY!!! I am sure the LORD has a lesson in it all but I hurt so deep.  I want to be out there making a difference in this world.
   I know my injury and not being able to use my arms has been a huge issue.  It forces me to be idle A LOT and then I sit and stir.  There were a lot of things I had thought I had gotten over in life but really I had just busied myself enough to not think of them.  I feel hurt by a lot of people and I really don't know how to let it go.  It doesn't obviously hurt them and so it is only affecting me.  I feel hurt and rejected by so many family and friends. I feel angry that I don't matter enough to people that I think I should.  I know I live far away but still there is a phone, internet, etc.  And some get frustrated with me that I don't move back but we just can't afford it.  Some has been our choice in life and a lot has really just crushed us.  They say if you want it to happen you could make it happen.  And this comes from people who in the 8 years or more total I have lived out of state have NEVER come to visit me.  I understand the ones that truly can't afford it but there the ones that can and just don't so that really makes me feel unimportant! I know you are probably thinking quit feeling sorry for yourself and just get over it.  I would love to! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL LIKE THIS!!!
   I just wish I knew how to set it all at the feet of Jesus and walk away.  I WANT TO SOOOOO BAD!!!! I want to be happy again, I want to be positive.  I just feel like I have taken all I can take and I know there is still more to come.  We are up in the air with jobs and health and everything so I am OVERWHELMED.
    I hate writing these negative, bitching entries but this is my life right now.  I started this blog to be able to look back and see how things grow and change.  Right now is a low point.  I cry ALL the time and am very hurt by a lot of things. I just keep praying the LORD will show me how to forgive and let go.
   I also wish he would show us where he wants us in life and how to get there!!! I just don't want to be in this sad dark place anymore!!!  I want to thank those who have been there for me and who do pray for me, you don't know how much it means!!!!  I wish people could have known me before the cancer and you would see a whole different person even in this blog.

This is Job.  He was a rescue at crystal peaks youth ranch in Sisters Oregon.  His story was sad and he was old.  I was having a very hard time when I went for the clinic at the ranch.  I was in an abusive marriage afraid to end it and felt like my life again was prity hopeless.  I was standing by the railing during a break and all the horses were are the very bottom of the pasture.  I was praying LORD show me you are here, show me you haven't left me and at that moment Job who could barely hobble his way anywhere at much of a pace looked right up at me and trotted as best he could right at me stopping to let me pet him.  It was then that I saw the words that had painted on his side early in the clinic.....HOPE!!!!  That is really the last time that I remember feeling GOD right there with me saying it was going to be ok.  I just hugged his muzzle and cried and he just let me.   He was the sweetest horse and I knew GOD had done that all for me.  I just need to feel you again LORD!