I have to say that I was never a weak, negative, sad, unhappy person. I was one of those people you just wanted to punch in the face because no matter what was thrown at me I could just shrug it off or roll with the punches. REALLY WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GIRL!!!!
I have to say I worry alllllll the stinkin time anymore and I am really frustrated and down a lot. I do not want to be that person and I really really do try and fight that. I can pinpoint when that all changed. I really believe it was in 2005 when I got the tularemia. Before that I could do anything physically and I was prity thin and happy with my body for the most part(as happy as most women can be:)) I really felt good about myself and who I was at that time. There were parts of my life that weren't so great(like being married to not the best man in the world) But as far as me I was happy. Then that disease hit and it wrecked me. I cannot even begin to tell you the toll it took on me mentally and physically. I should be dead. I am not saying that to be dramatic either I am being honest it wrecked every part of my body and took all my muscle, strength and everything I had. If it weren't for my dear friend Brenda I would have been dead. It was also then that it was one of those times "you find out who your friends are" and really I was shocked to see not many.:( It hurt me and it really really made me sad and to be honest I don't think I have ever recovered from that. I am a people pleaser and I can't stand it if people don't like me or say bad things about me, it hurts me to the core. So that was a very rough time. But since that disease my body has just seemed to wreak havoc with itself and I have never regained the strength and determination I had before. I want it back. oh and believe me I have tried to "PUT ON MY BIG GIRL PANTIES AND GET OVER IT!!!!!" But honestly I don't know how. And I hate the expression but that is for another rant sometime:)
I just don't want to be one of those negative, unhappy, weak people but how do I get out!!! I want to be healthy, happy and full of life. But I really don't know how people do that daily that feel like I do daily physically. I need to spend more time praying and more time being thankful for what I do have that is what I need to do. There is a lot of people out there worse of than me and in more pain than I and I should be thankful that isn't me and praying for them.
I just want to be that healthy, vibrant, bubbly person I was. The one who could look at the bright side of everything. I really just hope my job syndrome is over soon I don't want anymore!! Thank y'all for the prayers and support it REALLY REALLY does make a difference.
Honey, I can tell from your spunk, You DO have what it takes. And honestly, give yourself a break. It is easy to be tough, roll with the punches, when they are piddly little things. Life threatening illnesses and accidents put some pretty big dents in the old armor and it takes a while to get the dents out and sometimes, they just stay and you get used to them. I can remember when I thought I could conquer the world, when I saw sick folks and thought, "Chin Up". Now I know better. Just hang in there, that is half the battle.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree. And funny, because I was about to start out this comment, "Honey".
ReplyDeleteYou've taken the first step. You identified what you're unhappy about with yourself and now you have the opportunity to change it.
I'm reading a book I want to send you when I'm done with it. It might be a little bit yet as I'm not plowing through it like I usually do. I usually don't give my books away, but I really feel compelled to send this one particularly to you. No real idea why.
oregonsunshine I love books and I would love to read it. GOD has reasons for everything:)
ReplyDelete