up in the air

I think life is ALWAYS up in the air!!!  I never know what is going to happen next or where life is going to take me.  I'm trying to learn to accept that.  I use to be really good about that and up for whatever adventure comes next but with my health issues I am finding that is really hard!!  Being in constant pain really wears you down.  I can't remember a day of not being in pain or sick.  It has taken everything from me....my health, my personality, dreams, goals, friends, family, a marriage, etc.  I try to keep fighting and keep a positive attitude but this has been going on prity much my whole life but really bad the past 15 years.  Imagine having the flu, vertigo, not sleeping, tooth ache, and pain worse than broken bones every single day for 15 years.  ITS A LOT!!!!!!!!! I try to be tough, but honestly I can't.  It has worn me down.  I have gone to two new specialists and see another next week.  They all feel so bad that there isn't more clear answers but with my health history they don't know exactly what is going on.  They don't know what the long term effects of the Tularemia are and the lyme is still a lot of learning on top of the auto immune, mthfr and SIBO.  I have to be VERY careful with my diet which has been a bigger challenge since I live with the BF and his son.  But I am making better changes. 

I know I need to catch up on so much from past couple years.  There has been so much.  But just since I posted a short updated in January a lot has happened.  I left my job at the farm:(  It was a VERY VERY VERY HARD and HEARTBREAKING decision but it was the right one.  It was Toxic and not a good environment.  I was blessed a few other employees actually left with me.  It was nice to have support and love in it.  I moved in with my current BF.  He is so kind, supportive and loving.  So now I live with him, his 10 year old son and our critters.  He has a german shephard and then this summer we added a kitten. Meet Miss Tala:

crashed out! Camping!

yes she has a crab shell on her head:) 
Beach camping

Kitty Caps are the best for scratching!
and they are cute:)

and then BF got me a puppy!!  Meet mr Tikanni

 

He is the cutest thing ever!! Super smart but we are still working on potty training and sleeping through the night. It is like having a baby.  We live in town(YES IN TOWN:( ) so we can't let him scream or cry it out like i would have done with my other pups.  So we are doing best we can.  He is 11 1/2 weeks now.  He is a BIG boy!  He is a Giant Alaskan Malamute.  I love him soooooooooooooo much!! The only hard thing is not being able to have him be raised around his big brother Duke!  That is a huge hole in my heart:( And an update all its own.  

Eric and I don't speak anymore:(  It breaks my heart:( I never wanted to get divorced much less not even be friends.  We did fine after everything but his new wife didn't like us talking and being friends so we don't anymore:(  It hurts and is hard but the hardest part is that means I don't get to see Duke.  I know people say he is just a dog.  He wasn't just that to me.  He was my baby, my world, I love him more than words can say and not being with him hurts me daily.  It really stinks that people have to be selfish, insecure, unhappy and cause issues where there doesn't have to be any.  So I pray daily that something will change and hope the LORD works it out to see Duke again.

Had a HUGE heartbreak and loss in March this year.  We had to make the heart breaking decision to put Bear down.  He started having seizures a few years back and we got them controlled for a long while but they came back last fall and increased in frequency and he had 3 in one day so we decided it was no longer fair to his old body:(  He was the sweetest, silliest Golden ever!!! Life hasn't been the same without him.  He is forever in my heart!!!

I have so many things going on, things to catch you up on.  I need to do it more as I find writing is therapeutic.  I have to go get ready for another doctor appt.  Those take up a lot of my days.  I am just praying this year will be the year that I get some answers, some relief, the year I can look back on and say everything changed for the better after hard times.  I know I am far from perfect and have made A LOT of mistakes.  But I try my best, I do the best I can.  I do know this is teaching me daily to be more understanding, more compassionate, try not to judge, and to understand you can't just pull up your big girl panties and push through all the time!!!