So when are y'all havin kids.......

Ok so I know I promised pics of new place, but me and my computer are having a disagreement on whether I should be allowed to!!!!

So that seems to be the question everyone asks these days.... First question...Do you have any kids? Second....When are you going to have kids? Well here is my immediate answer I want to say NEVER!!! But let me explain. Honestly this is a huge battle in my life and for many reasons. I grew up in a very alcholic home with lots and lots of problems and there was abuse. I didn't have the support or love I needed and to be honest my life was hell, especially the teen years!

I go back and forth with the idea of having kids. I never wanted to have kids with my ex husband and am so glad we didn't but now I have Eric and he is soooooo great and he loves kids soooooo much. He would be a great dad. I know he would love to have some but he says now he doesn't cause he knows I don't want to. But really it isn't necessarily I don't want to it is being scared. I am scared of so many things:

* scared of not being a good parent
*scared of not being able to afford to give them a good life
*scared of the fights it would cause with my family as I would not let them babysit and such due to the alcholism and smoking around the children
*scared of doing it alone, as we don't have any friends or family close to us
*scared medically that I can't do it or that something bad could go wrong with all my medical problems
*scared it would be irresponsible for me to get pregnant when we don't have insurance and such(yet I don't feel like that about others in the same situation)
*but scared I will miss out on one of God's greatest blessings
*scared Eric will end up resenting me if we don't have kids(even tho he says he won't:)
* Just scared, scared, scared!!!!!

So I guess y'all are getting to know me a little better now:) I have always said if GOD wants it to happen it will, but I think that I could be stopping him by my choice and actions also. Kids are just such a huge commitment and it isn't just your life you are messing with anymore, it is theirs to. I guess I wouldn't worry about it so much but it isn't like I am early twenties with years to wait, I will turn 30 this year. I am not saying 30 is old, but I don't want to be 80 going to my kids graduation:) I want to be around for a long time in their lives if I choose to have them:)